TV show quotes
I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.
We did them at Princeton too.
Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.
Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.
OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Should we just do couples?
Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?
I just said couples sound great.
Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her.]
No, let’s do couples. I want to.
Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.
Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.
Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?
Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
So how was school?
Oh, good. Check it out. The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
You bought my Mom’s book?
Yes. It’s on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Oh. Come on. Not that book. It got like every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Oh cool. Are there pictures?
Seriously, please find another book.
Oh come on. How bad could it be?
The next chapter’s about the potty training. Bed wetting. Masturbation. Basically if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know, do whatever you want, just don’t talk to me about it.
Not even the chapter on the breast feeding crisis?
It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one. She got a little lopsided.
Oh my God. You still go left.
Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there. I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That’s strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900’s. [Amy stops smiling.] If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.
[Amy stops the show.] You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.
That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It’s more like Little House on the Preposterous.
Sheldon we are in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.
Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.
Well, fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
I shouldn't have said it. I’m sorry.
Thank you.
You feel better?
Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn't have a job.
I may have overreacted
Well, yeah, well. I didn’t handle it so great either.
Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
That’s not true.
It’s not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple’s massage. You said you wouldn’t want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I’m so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.
[Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy.
Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
No.
Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
What do you want?
Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.
I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you’re funniest kind of humor.
What’s your point?
My point is we’re a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
I like you too.
I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. [Amy slams the door in his face] Not even a goodbye. You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid, she just doesn’t see it.
This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and.. .
And what?
No. No, no, no, no.
What’s wrong?
I've made a horrible mistake.
What are you talking about?
This table. It’s in square centimeters. I read it in square meters. Do you know what that means?
That Americans can’t handle the metric system?
Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
But the Chinese team found the element.
Well they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.
You mean you just got lucky?
Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
You and me both, brother. It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that’s ground breaking.
What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius. I’m a fraud.
[singing to quarantined Bernadette, the other five backing him up]
If I didn't have you
Life would be blue.
I'd be Doctor Who without the TARDIS.
A candle without a wick,
A Watson without a Crick.
I'd be one of my outfits without a dick-y.
I'd be cheese without the mac,
Jobs without the Wozniak.
I'd be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making them much harder to crack.
I'd be an atom without the bomb.
A dot without the com.
And I'd probably still live with my mom.
And he'd probably still live with his mom.
Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.
You supported all my dreams and all my hopes.
You're like Uranium-235, and I'm Uranium-238:
Almost inseparable isotopes.
I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get,
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
[choked up] Oh, Howie!
If I didn't have you,
Life would be dreary.
I'd be string theory without any string.
I'd be binary code without a one.
A cathode ray tube without an electron gun.
I'd be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon.
I'd speak a lot more Klingon.
Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam [Klingon for "Today is a good day to die."]
And he'd definitely still live with his mom.
Ever since I met you, you turned my world around.
You're my best friend and my lover.
We're like changing electric and magnetic fields,
You can't have one without the other.
I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get,
From the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get,
From the moment that we met you, Bernadette.
Because it’s just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.
Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
That’s what I told my lawyers.
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, sure.
Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Oh, um, you know. Because we’re friends.
.... Why?
Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember, he’s not doing it on purpose. It’s just how he is. Oh, but he’s also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
You know, you’re describing a dog.
He did bite me once. But in his defense, I came up behind him while he was eating.
They hate that.
You know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I’ve ever met. He’s a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.
Why’s that?
You will not let this go.
My God, that’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.
That’s Lucy?
I don’t know why, but I always pictured her as Indian.
I think that reason's called racism.
I’m going to talk to her.
Why? What are you going to say?
I’m not going to say anything. I’m just want to check her out. She hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?
You. Because you just called him your Indian friend.
Yeah, well, you’re short.
We’re never getting our drinks.
No, believe that.
Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?
Oh, water would be great.
Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Rajesh Koothrappali. You see, Amy recognized you.
Wow, how’s he doing?
Oh, you know. He’s good.
Great.
Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
Um, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Yea, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.
Any chance I can get a different waitress?
I’m sorry, it’s rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you can do that with me and not with Raj?
I don’t know your email.
You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here perfectly happy and he’s at home a blubbering mess.
I thought you said he was OK.
Well, I also said I was getting your water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, maybe I’m a bad waitress, but you’re a bad person. Now, you want to hear the special?
So, when you say you’re not going to freak out about the DVD, here’s what that means. Don’t fixate on it. Don’t wake me up in the middle of the night. Or nag me through the door while I’m on the toilet.
Okay, first, talking to you while you’re on the toilet isn’t exactly a picnic for me either, okay? Remember, when you can hear me, I can hear you. And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It’s, it’s like, a, an itch in my brain I can’t scratch.
When I broke my arm I used to stick a coat hanger down there. You ever try that? Maybe go in through the ear?
You wouldn’t make jokes if you could feel the way I feel.
Well, I don’t know how to do that.
How about this? I promise I won’t pester you about the DVD. You can defecate in peace. That’s a win for both of us. But, until this matter is resolved, I would like you to wear this sweater. With nothing underneath it.
That’s stupid. Why?
You say it’s itchy and uncomfortable. I say situations like this make me feel the same way.
I’m telling you, try the hanger.
Put it on. Let’s share the experience.
You got it. If this sweater shuts you up, I’m gonna make a fortune selling them to everyone we know. Now all I need to do is head down to the video store and return the DVD.
Oh, did I forget to tell you? That store went out of business years ago.
Really?
How those nipples feeling, chief?
Sheldon you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
You did?
Yeah. Back when I was dating Zack. Actually it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
What? You went to a chapel?
Yeah.
Why?
We had one those silly fake weddings.
Penny, you know those are real. Right?
No, they’re not. [Laughing it off]
Yeah, they are.
[Looking worried] No, they’re not.
Yeah, they are.
He's right.
They’re real.
[quietly] It didn’t seem real.
I'm not sure about this, I heard splitting affects the children.
Zack, we don't have any children!
Are you sure? Cause you didn't even know we were married until this morning.
[Sheldon is counting his friends]
He's counting Hobbits and superheroes, right?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
