[the guys are reading responses to Sheldon's lecture]
LeonardI found another Tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: [from his phone] "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
[Raj laughs]
Listen to this one: [from his phone] "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky, dead?"
[Howard and Leonard laugh]
[while on a laptop] Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
[Howard and Leonard have a look on the laptop]
Leonard
[amazed] Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
[Penny enters]
Hey, Leonard, is your wi-fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard
Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader"…no spaces.
[typing on her phone] Thanks. What are you guys doing?
Leonard
Sheldon gave a lecture at the university tonight [and] we're reading the reviews.
Well, picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2.
Leonard
[going to Penny with his phone] Read this woman's Tweet.
[reading from Leonard's phone] "Listening to Dr. Cooper's made me want to start cutting myself again."
[looking at Tweets about his lecture on Raj's laptop] I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Leonard
Uh, from the context, we think it means "Kill Me Now".
[unsettled] Well…s'pose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. I think I'll turn in.
[He starts to walk to his bedroom]
[very quickly, looking back at his friends] I didn't want to teach those poopyheads, anyway! [leaves]
[short pause] FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Here's what I wonder about zombies. [The others groan] What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
[To Leonard] You take this one. I spent an hour last night on do how vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other: Case Closed!
Leonard
I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj, are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in 28 Days if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is when Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
Leonard
Oh, Howard's gonna sleep here tonight. He had a fight with his mother.
Did you offer him a hot beverage?
Leonard
[long pause] No.
Leonard, social protocol states: when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage such as tea.
You heard the man, Leonard. [snaps his fingers and gestures to the kitchen]
[Leonard starts to walk to the kitchen]
And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced houseguest, so make me cocoa.
Leonard
I'm having dinner with Priya at Raj's. I think Howard's gonna be there; you wanna join us?
But tonight's Thursday. On Thursdays, everybody comes over here and has pizza, or a reasonable facsimile prepared by someone claiming to be Luigi, but who sounds suspiciously like Jackie Chan.
Leonard
Can we make a one time exception for tonight.
We could. We could also stop using the letter M, but I think that idea is isguided and oronic.
Leonard
Just come with me to Raj's.
I don't want to go to a party.
Leonard
It's not a party; it's the same group of people who hang out here hanging out over there.
I'm sorry, but 5 people eating and chatting is a party.
Leonard
How come it's not a party when we do it over here?
Because we don't throw parties.
Hey, Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
[laughing] No. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterwards and said "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa you could have put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
Leonard
[laughing at the memory] Bam! Right in the nose! Made me proud to own a PC.
Leonard
Morning, Sheldon.
Oh, good. You're up. I've written a new and improved roommate agreement that benefits me greatly. I'd like you to sign it.
Leonard
Why would I want to do that?
Excellent question. Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard
Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Affirmative. [Turns to laptop] Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. [laptop beeps in response] Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
VFVoice from laptop
Self-destruct sequence activated.
[Sheldon turns the laptop toward Leonard and Priya, showing a timer counting down from one minute]
Leonard
What are you gonna do, Sheldon, blow up the apartment?
That was my first thought, but all my cool stuff is here.
So what happens when it counts down?
Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next…[checks timer] 41 seconds, this computer will send an e-mail to your parents in India saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-Marshmallow-Fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard
What's the big deal?
Trust me, it's a big deal.
Leonard
They're gonna find out about me eventually, right?
Yeah, of course, just not today.
Leonard
Are you ashamed of me?
Leonard
Then why can't we just tell your parents?
He does that all the time, doesn't he? 15.
Okay, fine, Sheldon, you win. Turn it off.
Leonard
No, he's bluffing.
Leonard
It's blackmail!
Leonard
[unhooking the laptop] This is ridiculous.
It's a laptop with a full charge. [to Priya] Honestly, what do you see in him?
Okay, give him what he wants or we're done.
Leonard
Really?
Leonard
Okay, I'll sign it!
[Sheldon hits a key and places a pen on the agreement]
VFVoice from laptop
Self-destruct sequence aborted.
[to Priya as he stands up and leaves] You may have gone to Cambridge, but I'm an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
[in response to Howard offering to go for Jamba Juice] No. Jamba Juice is for heroes. [pulls down paintball visor] And that's what we're going to be.
Leonard
What are you doing?
Following in the footsteps of Kirk, Crunch, and Kangaroo. [walks out for hideout and bares himself, with arms wide open] Geology isn't a real science!!
[Sheldon is then shot down in slow-motion by the rival paintball team, and collapses]
DAMN THOSE SONS OF BITCHES!!
[all other members charge out, and shoot down the rival teams]
[getting up] If there's ever a Church of Sheldon, this will be when it started. [gets hit by another paintball] Ow!
[Leonard and Amy are sitting alone at their table at a wedding reception]
Leonard
[depressed] No, thank you. I'm not really much of a dancer.
[long pause]
Not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
Leonard
I'm sorry. The bride and groom seem happy.
Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially approved copulation ahead of them. In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
Leonard
That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning.
[fed up] Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard
I'm sorry. This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta-girlfriend 9,000 miles away.
I have a kinda-sorta-boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.
Leonard
[sarcastically, to Sheldon] You sound like you had a great night.
Leonard
Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
[confused] What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard
Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time…Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Short pause, and then Sheldon hits Leonard with his model train]
Leonard
OW! Why'd you do that!?
To send you a message. She is not for you.
Leonard
What!?
[The group is discussing Raj's new girlfriend possibly taking advantage of him]
I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion. [resumes eating]
Leonard
[long pause] Could you tell us?
Let's see…[rolls dice] Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
[points to dice] Wait, hang on. Doubles. Roll again.
[Sheldon does so]
…Okay, get this. [Penny and Leonard exchange looks of annoyance] It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappalis are vastly wealthy.
What do you mean "vastly wealthy"?
Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more…I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Leonard
Oh, I know they have money. I don't think it's that much.
No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago, I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a Notary Public. From time to time, I notarized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They are Richie Rich rich.
Well, so how much is that?
About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck. ($18.5 billion)
[The others look shocked]
[outraged] What the hell! The last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro!
Leonard
Listen guys I don't meant to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
[after scaring Sheldon with a Halloween prank]
I thought he would faint.
I thought he would pee himself.
Leonard
Looks like everyone's a winner!
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
