[Penny knocks on the door]
LeonardMerry Christmas!
Leonard
Very good. Thanks for asking. Come on in.
Oh good, Penny, you're here to exchange gifts. You'll be pleased to know that I'm prepared for whatever you have to offer.
[handing Sheldon his present] Ok, here.
Hmmm. [starts to open his present] I should note, I'm having some digestive distress, [Leonard shakes his head no] so if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed. [completes opening his present] Oh! A napkin.
[becomes weak at the knees and has to sit down as he reads] "To Sheldon. Live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy."
He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty, he wiped his mouth with it.
[gasps] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?!
Well…yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it!
[visibly shaking] Do you realize what this means?!?! All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Leonard
Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
We're all pathetic and cweepy and can't get girls. That's why we fight wobots. If you're not there, you'll be exposed to widicule.
[addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Leonard
Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
BKBarry Kripke
What's wwong with him?
He's depressed, because he's pathetic and creepy and can't get girls.
We'we aww pathetic and cweepy and can't get giwws. That's why we fight wobots. If you'we not thewe, you'ww be exposed to widicule.
[addressing Barry's rhotacism] I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
First off, that's axiomatically wrong, because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant -
[deliberately interrupting him] Hey, I'm thinking of growing a moustache.
Leonard
[playing along] Aaah… No kidding. Fu Manchu? A Handlebar? Pencil?
[desperately] It's extracted from the plant -
I'm not sure yet. You know. George Clooney has one.
Really? I once saw him at Ralph's. He was buying tequila.
Oh. You'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[They look at Sheldon, who is crinkling his lips in frustration]
Leonard
[smiling] Alright. This is cruel. We'd better let him finish before his head explodes.
Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca - ?
[very quickly, in a rambling manner] Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot Esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide, it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly! [takes a drink of water]
[continuing] It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding, and you [Leonard] promised you wouldn't do that anymore!
Leonard
[to Sheldon, Howard, and Raj, who have come to assist him in getting money that Penny's ex-boyfriend owes her] Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Yes. Koothrapalli's going to wet himself, I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Leonard
Excuse me, there are four of us and one of him.
Which means his triumph will be even larger. Minstrels will write songs about him.
[about Leonard] My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an overdeveloped sex drive.
BHBeverly Hofstadter
Oh, I don't know where he would have gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Yes, we think so. We've both done papers on it. Mine from a neuroscientific point of view and his from an anthropological. Mine, of course, was the only one worth reading.
Of course. I would very much like to read about your sex life.
Well, it's all online, or you can order it from the Princeton University press.
Leonard
Here is your tea, mother. So, what are you guys talking about?
The frequency with which your parents had intercourse.
Leonard
Swell. If you are lucky maybe she'll show you the PowerPoint presentation.
[Sheldon looks thrilled]
I'm sorry, it's on my other laptop.
Leonard
[attempting to get back at Howard and Raj, who were asking Beverly to talk about Leonard's more successful siblings] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Oh, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common, it borders on sociological cliché.
It's just temporary. I pay rent.
Leonard
He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
You hear about this on TV, but you never think it will happen to you.
Leonard
So they steamed your dumplings; get over it! New topic, please!
All right, Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard
Apparently so.
Leonard
No.
All right, then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard
When did pick up on that?
A moment ago when you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
Would you like some advice?
Leonard
Sure, why not?
Then this is the perfect time to launch a blog with an interactive comments section.
Leonard
Gee, thanks a lot!
Would you rather I offer my personal insight?
Leonard
No, I don't need any insights, I just wanna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self-employed, and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
Leonard
You're right, I really should be asking strangers on the internet!
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
