Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

You know, I am very disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate Howard’s accomplishment tonight.

Amy

Me, too. But we’ll see him tomorrow.

Sheldon

Yes, it’s just that in all the years I’ve known him, he’s never had the opportunity to receive my admiration. I was excited to see the look on his face when it finally happened.

Penny

You’re unbelievable.

Sheldon

I know.

Penny

Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.

Amy

On the count of 3. 1... 2...

Sheldon

Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.

Leonard

So?

Sheldon

So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?

Leonard

Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!

Sheldon

That's rude.

Amy

1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]

Howard

Hey guys, guess who's back from space!

NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]

Sheldon

Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!

Leonard

Snort it down and keep eating!

Sheldon

Play, play, play!

Leonard

What are you doing?

Sheldon

Trying to use a Jedi mind trick to control Stephen Hawking. Ugh, he must be wearing a tin foil hat or something.

Sheldon

Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back. Leonard, come back!

Leonard

[walks back into the room] What?

Sheldon

Oh, of course! It only works on the weak-minded.

Wil Wheaton

Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?

Sheldon

My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.

Howard

[talking about his new car] It's parked in 294.

Sheldon

I'm sorry, 294 is my parking spot.

You don't even drive.

Leonard

Maybe they reassigned it because you don't use it.

Sheldon

I don't use my nipples either, maybe they should reassign those.

Amy

Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don’t you just let me get some rest.

Sheldon

How can you sleep? I’m not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you and apply VapoRub to your chest.

Amy

[taken by surprise] You... you want to rub something on my chest?

Sheldon

Yes. All over it.

Amy

[stifling a cough] Maybe we should start with that.

Sheldon

Now you’re being a responsible patient. [he picks up the tub of VapoRub and sits on the couch opposite Amy] Now, you may notice some tingling...

Amy

Oh, I’m counting on it!

Sheldon

But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.

Howard

Wait, what are you doing?

Sheldon

You can’t talk, you’re paralyzed. I get right up in Santa’s big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?

Leonard

Uh, okay.

Sheldon

My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.

Leonard

This is weird, right?

Sheldon

Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of ‘em. And now you’re here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today’s not your day. I’m leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!

Leonard

Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa’s dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Amy Farrah Fowler

The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle. [looks at Sheldon, who just nods silently] You've been awfully quiet tonight. Is everything okay?

Sheldon Cooper

I'm fine.

Amy

Alright, so how was work today? Did you exchange your research with Kripke?

Sheldon

Yes.

Amy

Sheldon, what's wrong?

Sheldon

I read his research; it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist in the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy! [starts crying]

Amy

Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?

Sheldon

What do we have to lose?

Amy

How's that?

Sheldon

I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor. [Amy lets go] Why did you stop?! [Amy hugs him again]

Penny

Sheldon, can I ask you a question?

Sheldon

Of course.

Penny

You ever gonna sleep with Amy?

Sheldon

That's awfully personal.

Leonard

[a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.

Penny

Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?

Sheldon

Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.

Penny

All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?

Leonard

All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?

Sheldon

Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.

Penny

Then what's the problem?

Sheldon

Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.

Leonard

Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.

Penny

Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?

Sheldon

[long pause] It's a possibility.

Penny

[silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.

Sheldon

Oh, yeah.

Sheldon

One vintage Mister Mxyzptlk action figure. That’s Leonard’s.

Amy

Children’s toy.

Sheldon

One Star Trek: The Next Generation Phasor. That’s Leonard’s.

Amy

Children’s toy.

Sheldon

One Game of Thrones collector’s edition long claw sword. Ah, Leonard and I bought that together. That’s a bit of an ethical conundrum. Eh, I’ll keep it.

Amy

So, what’s your plan moving forward?

Sheldon

I suppose I’ll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?

Amy

No.

Sheldon

It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.

Amy

Like a dog boy.

Sheldon

Exactly.

Amy

What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?

Sheldon

That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.

Amy

Great! Here I am!

Sheldon

Wait. Here who is where?

Amy

Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?

Sheldon

Um.

Amy

Think about it, Sheldon. I’m not a stranger. We’re intellectually compatible. I’m willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rage-inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?

Sheldon

Um.

Amy

Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.

Sheldon

Um.

Amy

See, you can’t. I’m going to see if Leonard’s room is big enough for my water bed.

Sheldon

Um.

Sheldon

You can’t live here.

Amy

What? Why? Is it the {answering machine} message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.

Sheldon

It’s not the message.

Amy

What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.

Sheldon

You did.

Amy

THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON!?!? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you’re ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can’t live here.

Sheldon

It’s Penny’s fault.

Amy

What?

Sheldon

She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She’s the snake in our garden. She’s the reason we can’t be happy.

Penny

You love her very much. Don't you?

Yes.

Penny

You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.

You lonely?

Leonard

She's good, huh?

Sheldon

She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?

Penny

When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.

Sheldon

She's remarkable.

Leonard

She really is.

Amy

Our Penny's a star.

Sheldon

How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

Leonard

So now let's bring out theoretical physicist, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon

Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish born, French educated Madame Curie. Co-discover of radioactivity. She was a hero of science until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became full with blood and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work I see no reason why that can't also happen to any of you. Are we done? Can we go?

Penny

The letter was found in Bernadette's closet. Doesn't that count for something?

Sheldon

Are you pointing out that California is a community property state and since Howard and Bernadette are married the intellectual property contained in that letter is jointly owned by the two spouses?

Penny

Yeah, obviously.

Sheldon

Well played. Sometimes I don't give you enough credit, Penny.

Howard

What are you guys doing here?

Leonard

When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.

Howard

Oh yeah, what’s that?

Sheldon

It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.

Penny

We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.

Sheldon

Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.

Penny

Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.

Bernadette

Sit down, honey.

Sheldon

Raj, you’re up.

Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.

Leonard

Sheldon.

Sheldon

It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.

Howard

Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.

Amy

Told you.

Sheldon

Don’t.

Leonard

Amy.

Amy

You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.

Howard

Really?

Sheldon

Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.

Leonard

Penny.

Penny

It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.

Sheldon

I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.

Amy

No it’s not.

Sheldon

Don’t.

Leonard

OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.

Howard

Hm.

Leonard

Bernadette.

Bernadette

Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?

Howard

Yeah. I’m terrific.

Sheldon

So? Which one do you think it is, matey?

Howard

Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.

Leonard

Well, one of them is.

Howard

That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.