Sheldon Cooper quotes from The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon

Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish? [He takes a dead fish out of the bag]

Penny

Damn, I forgot to feed him... And that I had him!

Sheldon

Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy [He searches inside the bag].

Penny

[with a loud yell of embarrassment] Party’s over! Party’s over!

Sheldon

My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. Remind me to put a gun under my pillow. Or a chain saw.

Amy

Or you take advantage of your new found economic stability and move out, get a house, get married, start a family.

Sheldon

Or the chain saw.

Sheldon

You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.

You know, I get that.

Sheldon

But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o’clock you’d come to my house on channel 68 and we’d do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up a hobo … or a surgeon.

Leonard

I bet there are important discoveries made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.

Sheldon

It’s true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.

Arthur

Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That means a lot.

Leonard

It’s important you know how much mean to us.

Sheldon

Professor Proton, it is an honor to meet you.

Arthur

Just call me Arthur.

Sheldon

Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said that I should call him Arthur. That means we’re friends.

Arthur

No. A friend would have told me about the elevator.

Sheldon

Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my Mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.

Arthur

Is he dangerous?

Leonard

Actually he’s a genius.

Sheldon

I am.

Arthur

That doesn't answer my question.

Sheldon

[Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy? [Knock..knock..knock] Amy?

Amy

What?

Sheldon

Never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.

Amy

You don’t have to come in here and cheer me up.

Sheldon

Thank-you. Would you go and tell everyone else that because they think otherwise.

Amy

I’ll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.

Sheldon

Well, I don’t think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?” That’s a joke. It’s a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

Amy

Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?

Sheldon

Oh my. That’s an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.

Amy

And now?

Sheldon

And now what?

Amy

Do you have any interest now?

Sheldon

I’ve not ruled it out.

Amy

Wow, talk dirty to me.

Sheldon

I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but for me what we have is extremely intimate.

Amy

I guess I know that. It’s just a part of me wants more.

Sheldon

More? Just look at us. It’s only been three years. Here we are in bed together. [Sitting on it.]

Amy

[Amy laughs slightly.] Come on. Let’s go back out there.

Sheldon

No, hold on. My Elven magic user and your half-Ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn’t really be playing the game right if we didn’t see that through.

Amy

OK.

Sheldon

I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor. [Rolls dice] It comes off.

Amy

Oh?

Sheldon

What do you do?

Amy

I…kiss you on the lips?

Sheldon

I kiss you back on the… [Rolls dice] …lips as well. Your turn.

Amy

I remove your armor. What do you do?

Sheldon

I erotically caress your… [Rolls dice] …nose.

Amy

Keep rolling!

Leonard

[on phone on deck of ship in storm] Sheldon! It's not a great time. What do you want?

Sheldon

Hello to you too. I'm sorry, but this is important.

Leonard

What is it?

Sheldon

Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3-case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2-case.

Leonard

SO?!

Sheldon

So... Did you do that or am I in the house with an intruder?

Leonard

Sheldon, I've got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.

Sheldon

You're dodging the question. I knew it was you. What was that?

Leonard

What was what?

Sheldon

This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.

Leonard

Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there is no such thing as a kraaaa...

Sheldon

Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.

Penny

Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?

Sheldon

You over estimate his significance in my life.

Penny

Mmm.

Sheldon

Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? [Knocks his answer in Morse Code].

Penny

OK, I get it. I get it. You’re an emotionless robot.

Sheldon

Well, I try.

Amy

Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny’s got nothing to do…

Sheldon

Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy’s girlfriend is my enemy.

Amy

Really.

Sheldon

Yes. You’re either with me or against me.

Amy

You want to take the bus to work?

Sheldon

Maybe there’s a third option.

Leonard

So am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?

Sheldon

I’d like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.

Leonard

Where do you think I would take you?

Sheldon

Who knows? You said you’d be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you’re taking me to work, but for all I know I’ll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.

Leonard

I’m going to work. You can come if you want.

Sheldon

OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.

Leonard

No, I don’t.

Sheldon

Hurts, doesn't it? You know I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.

Leonard

I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I’m in hell.

Sheldon

You say you’re from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.

Leonard

Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?

Sheldon

All right, I’ll give you that one.

I’m going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.

Howard

Oh, I love those. I did them every year there.

Leonard

We did them at Princeton too.

Howard

Oh, that’s cute. Like it’s a real college.

Sheldon

Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.

Amy

Scavenger hunts at Harvard were really tough. I’d always get stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me. [Laughs] I guess that story’s more sad than funny.

OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.

Bernadette

Should we just do couples?

Leonard

Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.

Penny

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?

Leonard

I just said couples sound great.

Penny

Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.

Leonard

No, let’s do couples. I want to.

Penny

Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.

Sheldon

Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.

Amy

Stop that. Penny is not a liability.

Penny

Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?

Amy

Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Sheldon

Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there. I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That’s strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900’s. [Amy stops smiling.] If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.

Amy

[Amy stops the show.] You’re trying to get back at me for what I said about Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sheldon

That’s silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It’s more like Little House on the Preposterous.

Amy

Sheldon we are in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don’t need to seek revenge.

Sheldon

Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.

Amy

Well, that’s not how we’re going to do it.

Sheldon

Well, fine. I’m mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

Amy

I shouldn't have said it. I’m sorry.

Sheldon

Thank you.

Amy

You feel better?

Sheldon

Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He’s a cat. He doesn't have a job.

Sheldon

[Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy. [Knock..knock..knock] Amy.

Amy

Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?

Sheldon

I couldn’t sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?

Amy

No.

Sheldon

Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.

Amy

What do you want?

Sheldon

Amy, this isn’t easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you’re in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.

Amy

Sheldon, you’re not a weirdo.

Sheldon

I wasn’t speaking about me. I mean honestly, there’s no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you’re funniest kind of humor.

Amy

What’s your point?

Sheldon

My point is we’re a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.

Amy

I like you too.

Sheldon

I should hope so. I don’t see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense. [Amy slams the door in his face] Not even a goodbye. You see, that’s the kind of thing that makes people think you’re weird. Poor kid, she just doesn’t see it.

Sheldon

This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and.. .

Amy

And what?

Sheldon

No. No, no, no, no.

Amy

What’s wrong?

Sheldon

I've made a horrible mistake.

Amy

What are you talking about?

Sheldon

This table. It’s in square centimeters. I read it in square meters. Do you know what that means?

Amy

That Americans can’t handle the metric system?

Sheldon

Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.

Amy

But the Chinese team found the element.

Sheldon

Well they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn’t know about.

Amy

You mean you just got lucky?

Sheldon

Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!

Amy

You and me both, brother. It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that’s ground breaking.

Sheldon

What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I’m not a genius. I’m a fraud.

Sheldon

Because it’s just so happens, I’m also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn’t that right, new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.

Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It’s an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.

That’s what I told my lawyers.