All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
SheldonPenny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon
Amy, what do you think?
There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
[Penny just gave Leonard and Sheldon each a vintage Star Trek transporter toy]
Sheldon
Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!
Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil and cradle the boxes defensively]
Sheldon
Oh, good lord, no!
Sheldon
Mint in box!
C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil again]
No! Once you open the box it loses its value.
Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
[ Sheldon is talking to his Spock action figure in a dream, about accidentally breaking Leonard's transporter toy]
Sheldon
What's the problem with it? I have my transporter swapped in Leonard's box, and now he won't know that his is broken. Everyone's happy.
Sheldon
But I thought where you come from, they don't have emotions.
SSpock
I come from a factory in Taiwan.
Sheldon
Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
SHStephen Hawking
I know.
Sheldon
I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
SStephen
My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon
I know.
SStephen
Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon
Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
SStephen
That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon
[twitching] What do you mean wrong?
SStephen
You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
Sheldon
No, no... that can't be right. [looking through paper] I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
SStephen
Are you saying I do?
Sheldon
Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Sheldon faints dead away]
SStephen
Great, another fainter.
Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was school, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
KKripke
Yeah, nice speech Francine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
She was my second cousin.
Sheldon
And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Don't remember. Please sit down.
The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
Sheldon
[Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]
Sheldon
I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon
What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon
Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon
Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away!
I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon
Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon
Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we? [turns on the music]
Sheldon
Super Mario Bros. theme?
Sheldon
I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work! [Starts to hum music.]
May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon
You know I don't drink.
Not even, strawberry Quik?
Sheldon
I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon
Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon
Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often. [Realizes something] Uh-oh! [Amy beams]
Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Sheldon
I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
That's enough from the both of you!
Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon
Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon
Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
I believe you two have prepared vows.
Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
MMinisters
By the power invested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon
..and the Klingon High Council...
MMinisters
..we now pronounce you husband and wife.
[All watching Howard's launch on TV]
[Bernadette instinctively grabs Raj's hand]
I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.
[She grabs Leonard's hand]
Sheldon
Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
[He grabs Amy's hand which surprises Amy]
[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!
Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon
Every time you drink alcohol.
You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis? They devour their mate.
Sheldon
Your point being?
[undoing her top button] Dessert is served.
Sheldon
[unfazed] I just had cobbler.
[redoing her top button] You know what? I'm done with this.
[She gets up and starts to leave]
Sheldon
Where are you going?
Sheldon
You can't leave. I need you.
[stopped in her tracks] You do?
Sheldon
Yes. You're my ride.
Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon
All right. [Offers her a seat] Please. [She sits down] Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except...I know what kind of man I want to be.
Sheldon...that was beautiful.
Sheldon
I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Sheldon
Good. Now, I assume we're splitting the check?
Sheldon
This insistence on hand-holding is preposterous.
Sheldon
Yeah, of course you do. You’re a girl. You like all kinds of hippy-dippy things.
Sheldon
It’s not fair. Penny isn't making Leonard hold hands.
There might be a reason for that.
Sheldon
Sweaty? Unhygienic? Looks dumb? Take your pick.
Penny said she’s not sure she wants to be Leonard’s girlfriend anymore.
Sheldon
Wrong. She just took a sip from his Diet Dr. Pepper.
Sheldon
So, if she wants to end her pair-bond with Leonard, why on earth would she guzzle a witches’ brew of his soda and spit?
Sheldon
String theory is complicated. That’s just yucky. Don’t get any ideas. All right, for the sake of argument, let’s say that’s true. Why doesn’t Penny just end the relationship?
She’s not sure how she feels.
Sheldon
How can she not be sure how she feels? You know, when I have a feeling, I know it. Trains? Love them. Swordfish? I love them, too. They’re fish with a sword for a nose.
Regardless, don’t say anything to Leonard.
Sheldon
Now you’re asking me to keep a secret from my best friend, colleague, and roommate?
Yes, please, Penny will kill me.
Sheldon
Uh, fine. FYI, secret-keeping? Hate it. Hand-holding? Not a fan. Hammerhead shark? I love that thing. Yeah, it’s another fish with a tool on its head.
Sheldon
Shh, we’re trying to watch the movie. This is not working out with him.
Sheldon
[Knock, knock, knock on the wall above Penny's bed] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams]
Sheldon
You frightened me!
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon
Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon
Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon
Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Sheldon
Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend? Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Sheldon
Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Okay, go home, crazy man.
Sheldon
Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Sheldon
Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Sheldon
Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Sheldon
Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Worst bedtime story ever!
Sheldon
My point is, I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
Sheldon
I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
Sheldon
[Turns to go, then stops] Penny?
Sheldon
...Please don’t hurt my friend.
[Sighs] That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon
[turns to leave, but turns back] Coconut, what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl now?
Has your, uh, assistant said anything about me?
Sheldon
Oh, in fact, she has. Uh, her exact words were, what is that guy’s problem?
I’m in her head. Let the dance begin.
Here’s your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon
Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Sheldon
Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
Sheldon
Two cherries?
One on top, one on the bottom.
Sheldon
Stems removed?
Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
I’m so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon
It’s all right, Alex. I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed.
Sheldon
[arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
Sheldon
I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
Sheldon
The original title was “A Re-derivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Sheldon
Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
