The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

Fred Fuchs

It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!

The Nerd

Aren't you doused in urine?

Fred Fuchs

From head to toe.

The Nerd

So, basically, the rights to LJN have been all over the place and lately have existed in sort of a phantom limbo. But this document, from the current owners certifies me as the sole inheritance of the name LJN!

The Nerd

(sighs) How could this happen to me? (throws certificate) With great power, comes great responsibility! And with me, as the head of LJN, I will UNDO the wrongs of the past, and prove that there is gold at the end of this rainbow!

The Nerd

I'll be doing the remakes of the LJN game library that starts with Back to the Future that used the same limitations they had back then. Except for this time, it'll be done right. So... (he types on the keyboard) I'd like to introduce you to my game designer, Sam. How you doing, Sam?

(appears on the screen) Hey, Nerd, I'm doing great. I'm really excited to be working on this. What are you calling me from?

The Nerd

It's, uh, Commodore 64.

How does that eve... It's very important. Listen, Universal has a strict deadline on this, so it has to be ready in time for the Christmas shopping season.

The Nerd

So, um, the actors, the likenesses, the music. Do we have, you know, everything signed off?

Uh... Yeah, I'm working on it, but it's almost there.

The Nerd

So, we want this to be more of a fun action experience. You know, racing around on a skateboard, lots of enemies, characters from the movies.

Ah, sounds good. I'll get to work and report back soon.

The Nerd

Thanks, Sam. (turns off his Commodore 64) That new game's gonna be good. Better be.

The Nerd

While he's working on that, I'm gonna get down to business and review the rest of the LJN library. It's like cleaning the cat piss stain on the back of the box litter. One of these days, you're just gonna have to do it. But how many games are we exactly talking about here?

The Nerd

The LJN stamp appeared primarily on three consoles; the NES, Game Boy, and Super Nintendo. With a few lone shit nuggets. For reviewing purposes, I'll be grouping them into categories; Movie-based games, sports games, Marvel games, wrestling games, and miscellaneous. In total, I've counted 67 games to the best of my research, including one game console, the LJN Video Art, which thankfully, I've already covered.

The joystick moves the cursor about. To draw, or, should I say to scribble around like a blind golden lion Tamarin on speed, you press down the button. And when you're pushing down the button and rocking the joystick around like this, it squeaks! (the joystick squeaks gratingly) Oh! (groans) That's awful!

The Nerd

Yeah, that thing sucked. But anyway, the criteria is that every game must have the LJN logo on the box or the cartridge with the exception of two that have LJN only on the copyright screen. These are just gonna be samplings, every LJN game will be shown, and after I've finally acknowledged them all, I can move on with my life. (goes to the futon and sits down) First, let's talk about the movie-based games. Now, fortunately, I've already covered most of them. Ahh, memories. Cue mandatory milestone episode number flashback sequence.

The Nerd

(on Alien 3 on Game Boy and Super Nintendo) But wait, there's more! Alien 3 on Game Boy turns Ripley into a stick figure, or, maybe it's an alien, I don't know. So all I did in this game was walk around like an idiot. There's ladders everywhere, but you can't go up any. Found some alien eggs. Touched 'em, and died. Lots of people walkin' around. Can't talk to them or anything. No hints! No direction! No map! This belongs to a certain genre. Strategy guide seller games. But Alien 3 fared a little better on the Super Nintendo. The graphics are good, the music is tense, and the control is smooth. You have a variety of weapons. You can select different missions like, save prisoners or destroy alien eggs. Though the enemies come a little too often. I wish there was a map. Somethin' like Super Metroid would've helped. There’s a blueprint system that you find on the wall but any time you’re lost, you have to make it back over there. Kinda like stopping at a gas station before GPS was invented. The best part is the Game Over voice...

Game over, man!

The Nerd

...which was from Aliens, not Alien 3. But who cares.

The Nerd

Well, here's one that I missed in my Arnold Schwarzenegger Games episode, True Lies. It’s one of my favorites of his. Not just for the action, but also the humor. The game retains some of that humor. Like when you shoot an innocent civilian, your assistant, the Tom Arnold character, gives you shit about it. Also, when you die, he says things like, "You only have one life left!”, as if he’s witnessing you die and resurrect. But wait, what do you do if a civilian is blocking the path? (Harry tries going through the door, but a server is blocking him) He won't move! (The Nerd presses the button to shoot the server blocking Harry, and his assistant complains about it) But when you fail, this happens! (Harry dies. An explosion sound is heard in-game, and a picture of a mushroom cloud is shown.) Now that's what you call a Game Over. It really does emphasize the magnitude of the defeat. BOOM! YOU'RE DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER! Unfortunately, the game is very monotonous. Even though the scene changes from the mansion, the mall, the park, it’s all the same, top down, run around and shoot crap. When you think of the movie, you remember the bathroom fight, the horse on the roof chase, the bridge scene, the Jamie Lee Curtis strip dance. I wonder how that would've worked. It does have the plane finale, but it’s just an automatic cutscene. Oh, and of course, there had to be a Game Boy version. Here, Arnold looks like a pill from Dr. Mario with a gun. It’s the same thing. Shoot bad guys, but avoid civilians. And anytime you shoot, you’re guaranteed to get shot back. It’s better to just walk past them. All in all, it's the same as the Super Nintendo version, just shittier.

You're fired.

The Nerd

All right, let's check on Sam. (he goes to his Commodore 64, pushes the space button and turns it on) Hey, Sam, how's the game looking?

Yeah, uh, she's pretty good you know all things considered I mean, the NES is a little harder to program for than I expected but you know it's, it's coming together you can see. Well hey, why don't you try it out for yourself? It’s an early build, but I think it's prominent.

The Nerd

(holds a prototype cartridge) Quick delivery. (inserts the cartridge into the Nintendo Entertainment System and plays the prototype game as Marty jumps through obstacles and on enemies against a blue background) All right. Okay, it's a good start. I mean we need some kind of power ups, here. So can we put Hill Valley in the background there, have some time travel, get the DeLorean up to 88?

Yeah, w-we got time.

The Nerd

Maybe have the holographic shark?

Oh, totally as a boss fight!

The Nerd

Do we get all the actors to sign off yet?

Yeah, yeah, well, well, well, well, no, uh, working on it. It- It’s almost there.

The Nerd

It's a good start. But yeah, there's a lot left to do.

Oh, let's get back to work!

The Nerd

I'll check in on you again soon.

The Nerd

It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good.

The Nerd

Let's check on Sam. (pushes the space button)

Hey, Nerd.

The Nerd

Hey, how's it coming?

Yeah, it's coming along, try it out.

The Nerd

O-Okay. Um, what-... Clocks? Really? Clocks again?

The Nerd

All right. Well, that'll get strained out. Anyway, we already took care of the LJN sports games. So next, let’s check out the LJN Marvel games which consist of Spider-Man, X-Men, and The Punisher. First up, the Spider-Man games. Luckily, I already covered some of them.

The Nerd

There is another one on Super Nintendo, just called Spider-Man. Though it's based on the animated series. (Super Nintendo version of Spider-Man theme plays) Gotta love that song. (lip syncs to the Spider-Man theme) It's another action game. It's colorful and appealing, at first. Love Spider-Man's walk cycle, walking like a tough guy. Reminds me of Henery Hawk. You can even punch computers. Make 'em explode! Yeah! That’s how I feel whenever my computer gives me shit! What’s this? Am I standing on an NES console? Anyway, you just gotta go around fighting enemies. Seems all fine and dandy, until you come to this barricade. Motherfucker, I tried kicking it over and over, till finally I managed to knock it down. Persistence and luck.But there is one more LJN Spider-Man game on Super Nintendo, that I covered already.

Let's end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played enough Spider-Man games. Well, it's a beat-'em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing. I found a good Spider-Man game! Who made this game? (he turns to the upper side of the game box and reveals the LJN logo with shock) They made a game that's not shit! (yells) IT'S NOOOOOOOOT SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (faints)

The Nerd

Yeah, I couldn't find much to complain there. But anyway, let's move onto the X-Men games. Now, there were two on NES by LJN, and thankfully, I've covered these as well.

The Nerd

All right, Sam. How's the game going?

Uh, you know, it's getting there, but uh, I mean there's a little bit of sprite flicker. Uh... Why don't you try it out?

The Nerd

Hourglasses?

Well, you said no clocks.

The Nerd

No! We need something else!

...Sundials?

The Nerd

(stutters) Wait. D-death blocks?! Oh, these remind me of something.

Uh, well see that that would be that'll be a thing called developer difficulty, where if you are testing your own game 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and not sleeping, you get really good at it and so the game ends up like way, way harder than you think it is.

The Nerd

Yeah, we need to tone down the difficulty.

It's okay, okay, we got a focus group lined up. Universal has done it for us.

The Nerd

Wait, everything's flickering!

The Nerd

Okay, I can't even control which way I'm supposed to be going! Okay, well, maybe, can we move on to another console?

That would entail starting over from scratch.

The Nerd

All right. Keep it on the NES! Get it fixed!

What were you thinking?!

The Nerd

(yelps)

The Nerd

All right, Sam. How's the game coming?

Yeah, this is okay, so I got the feedback from the focus group. Um, the difficulty is too high, the game is too easy, too many enemies, not enough opponents to fight with. Somebody says that they really want hula girls and the bowling ball weapon.

The Nerd

This is... horrible! Do we even have any, um, any power-ups at all now?

Uh, well, you said no-no hourglasses. So, the time kind of runs out a bit quick.

The Nerd

What's happening with the music here?

Okay, so, we had The Power of Love, uh, and, um, well, we couldn't, you know, the licensing and everything. So, I sped it right up, so you can't even recognize it because I had to avoid the licensing issues.

The Nerd

Oh, no, no, you didn't avoid the licensing issues and put the... (grunts) The bowling ball!

Since anyone knows the focus group wanted the bowling balls man, I don't know why.

The Nerd

Who wanted to avoid the licensing issues and have bowling balls? Oh, the flickering is worse. Oh, the controls are worse. Oh, the time limit is worse! Oh, we-we are spiraling into the toilet here!

Uh, just while they have you, we do need to mix the time travel, the Hill Valley background, uh, and a few other things just because of time constraints.

The Nerd

Fine, fine. Just make it playable. Make it work. How much time do we have to fix this?

Okay, so, the-the deadline is, uh, let me take a look. (looks at his watch) Two hours from now. Hope you got a flux capacitor!

The Nerd

(inhales sharply) All right, you got one last chance! Don't fuck this up! (slams the space button to turn off his Commodore 64)

The Nerd

Surf's up, dudes! It's T&C Surf Design. I've reviewed this in rhyme before if you'd remember that, but let's take another look.There's two sections, Skateboarding and Surfing, The skateboarding is self-explanatory, you just gotta dodge everything while trying to make the fastest time, and I don't understand the hit boxes or anything. Look at this, I just fell into the side of a hole. Man I could never skateboard, even in a game, I mean skateboarding is like some kind of high level wizardry, Tony Hawk and shit, it's fucking crazy man. Skate or Die, for me it's the latter. Oh! That's gonna hurt. (The Skateboarder hits an Oil Barrel) Owwww! (The Skateboarder then lands to the cement ground and slides with a bloody trail, bashing multiple oil barrels) Ooh! The surfing stage is one that goes down as one of the unholiest of ass fests, the controls, I couldn't figure out as a kid, and I can't figure them out now. You just keep getting sucked into this wave, not to mention, what's up with the choice of characters, The gorilla looks like some kind of generic cartoon, but the other one, uh.... Hang on, hang on, Somebody decided, that should be a character, Yeah we have this rad surfing game, what kind of character should we have? I don't know, how about a cat in a tuxedo. But it's not just a cat, it's a man's body with a cat's head, anyway, man this game sucks, wish I could be that guy casually floating at the bottom, he's got the life, but not me, I can't relax, I gotta flip some shit at the top of the waves here. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Oh, wow! Oh, yes, yes! (yells in frustration)

The Nerd

But hey, guess what, there is a sequel, T&C 2: Thrilla's Surfari. So the plot concerns Thrilla Gorilla, Wait wait wait wait wait, a plot? Wow! They really put a lot more thought into this one. So, Thrilla's girlfriend, his human girlfriend named Barbie Bikini is captured by a witch doctor, so it's the standard rescue the girl bullshit, the stages alternate between skateboarding and surfing, it's more action based than the previous game, you race through fighting enemies and jumping hurdles.

The Nerd

(in shock) Oh, my God, he exploded! Let's see that again. (Thrilla Gorilla explodes again) It's a thousand times more playable than the other game, but fuck them both.

The Nerd

(singing to the tune of Surfin' Bird) Everybody's heard about The Nerd! Nerd Nerd Nerd! Nerd's the word. Nerd Nerd Nerd! Nerd's the word. Nerd Nerd Nerd! Nerd's the word. Don't you know about The Nerd, everybody knows that The Nerd is the word. Surfin' Nerd! (accidentally falls off the surfboard)

(laughs) Wipeout!

The Nerd

Next up, Crash Dummies. Good thing I took care of that one. Everything is just flat and lifeless, and the character animation looks really stupid. Everyone walks like they're holding in their huge crap, you know, like when you have to go all bad, it feels the shit's pushing into your pelvic bone. But there's also Crash Dummies on Game Boy. So this one's just a bunch of mini-games. You start out falling from a building and are supposed to crash into as many things as possible on the way down. Was that supposed to happen? It's a game where you're a crash dummy, who crashes into shit! How do ya know when ya die?! The next screen says "that was boring". Yep, I'll leave it at that. Then there was the Super Nintendo version, a simple side-scroller. With 16 bits, you'd think they'd shift the quality to the next gear, but instead, they cut the corners. Fair gameplay takes a back seat to this half-assed accident that'll let the air out of your tires till ya crash and burn! There's also a Genesis version, which was identical. It was typical of Acclaim to put the same game on both consoles, while only putting the LJN stamp on the Super Nintendo version. But this was a rare case on the Genesis. Even though the LJN logo is nowhere to be seen on the box or cartridge, it does appear on the copyright screen, and to my knowledge, is the only Genesis game where the LJN name ever appeared. Since these games are so identical, I was on the fence whether it should be counted twice. If not, that would bring our total number of 67 LJN games down to 66. Or would you say an identical game half counts? 0.5? Or, would you say more than half counts? A 0.6? There's 66.6 LJN games.

FUCKERS! FUCKERS! (while he fights the devil)

The Nerd

Come on, knock it off! (pushes Super Mecha Death Christ and the devil off the screen)

The Nerd

Then there was a game called Revolution X on Super Nintendo, which was originally an arcade. The plot is some crazy shit, some dictatorship called the New Order Nation bans all video games and media. Can they ban Superman 64? Dark Castle? Action 52? Should have banned all these fucking games! You must battle New Order forces to get backstage at Club X to meet Aerosmith, where together you will begin the revolution? Aerosmith! The band Aerosmith is in this game! You'd think because they were such a big part they would have appeared more prominently on the box art, not just the boring Revolution X logo. (the Super Nintendo version of "Eat the Rich" plays) Their music is all over it, and I didn't even know the Super Nintendo was capable of emulating those songs with such clarity, just listen. And if that's not enough Steven Tyler gives you missing briefings.

If you're watching this, then they've taken over. It's up to you know. Find our car, and stop the New Order. (throws the car keys to the player) Remember, music is the weapon.

The Nerd

Steven Tyler is talking to me through my Super Nintendo. This blurs the line between awesome and ridiculous. It's a game where you start a revolution by using music? Love and peace? No. BY FUCKING MURDERING EVERYONE!!!!! (the gameplay is shown as the Nerd becomes both stunned and shocked) This can't be real. You just shoot everything! All you do in this game is destroy! You even shoot bad guys at a strip club! And the dancers keep dancing! I ain't seeing this, man! The arcade even has blood! Now we're living on the edge. Janie's got a gun all right. Sweet emotion? More like Sweet Ammunition. That's what they should have done, if you're gonna have an Aerosmith shoot 'em up game, you might as well play it up. Could've had a whole soundtrack!

Revolution X!

It's Revolution X, the hot new album from Aerosmith, packed with songs to take down New Order Nation to...

(singing) Love in an elevator, living it up when I'm going down, love in an elevator! (vocalizes) Dude looks like a lady! Dude-Dude-Dude-Dude looks like a lady! Dream on, dream on, dream on, dream on! (howls)

Revolution X, order now.

Hurry!

The Nerd

And so in '95, Acclaim performed an exorcism on the LJN name, and so it was gone for five years, like a demon seeking a new host. It found another console to invade, the Dreamcast, and thus emerged the final appearance of the unholy sign, the old rainbow in the dark. Look at that logo in full Dreamcast glory. You know, I'm gonna miss reviewing LJN games. No, I'm not. The game is Spirit of Speed, a racing game which takes place in 1937, so I guess maybe if you're really into classic cars of that time period, it might sort of be appealing. But jeez, give me Mario Kart or F-Zero any day, even as far as realistic racing games go, this is more like early Playstation and N64 than Dreamcast, Spirit of Speed my ass, more like Spirit of Slow. The cars handle like you're dragging 20 tons of bowling balls of donkey dung. You like trudging through farmland as dull green and gray wash over your senses, and 10 laps, what are you kidding me? This is something you play if you want to go to sleep. There's almost nothing to say about it. I can't work with this! But you know what? I just completed the LJN library.

The Nerd

Farewell, you fuck.

The Nerd

All right, Sam. Let's see the game.

Well, we did our best, so, this is the final product. We cut some corners, but I think...

The Nerd

Just show me the damn game!

All right, all right, all right. Here it is, here it is.

The Nerd

(pants) I'm a shitload of fuck! I'm a shitload of FUCK!!!!!!!!!!

Nerd!

The Nerd

Ah! (gasps)

You've made the worst game ever made! You've become the very thing you were fighting against!

The Nerd

No! (cries in despair)

(plays the remake of Back to the Future) I should be reviewing your game, Nerd!

The Nerd

NO!!!!!!

I'm the Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd!

The Nerd

No! No!

What was he thinking? What a shitload of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea bull fuck that is! It sucks, it blows, and it's a whole shit!

The Nerd

(while he slides on the LJN rainbow) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Say, Nerd.

The Nerd

Yes?

I just got out of the bathtub, and uh... happened to notice you've been playing Last Ninja on NES, is that right, Nerd?

The Nerd

Yes. That's right.

I also happened to notice you beat the game, huh?

The Nerd

I did.

Well, that's real swell, Nerd. You know, I happened to notice something else. Something about that scoreboard, Nerd.

The Nerd

What?

I noticed your score is above my score, Nerd. Is that right?

The Nerd

[checks the scoreboard] It is.

Because I just wanted to check, Nerd, and make sure my eyes are seeing correctly. Your name is on the top.

The Nerd

Correct.

So, uh... That means you beat my high score, huh?

The Nerd

Yeah. That okay with you?

[sarcastic] Absolutely, Nerd! I think it's great you beat my score! I do! I really do! I bet that makes you feel real great about yourself! That you beat good old Ernie's score! Congratulations to you, Nerd!

The Nerd

Thanks.

You know what I really like? That you beat my score twice! And the first time, you know what you wrote? Say it, Nerd. What does that spell?

The Nerd

It says "ass".

Hmm. "Ass." Is that what it says, Nerd? Can you repeat that for me one more time?

The Nerd

...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSS!!!

So if "ass" is higher than my name, Nerd, that means I'm below ass, meaning I'm less than shit?! Is that how I'm supposed to feel, Nerd?!

The Nerd

You know, Bert's score's higher than yours.

Fuck Bert! I already took care of him! You don't have to worry about that.

The Nerd

Look, just get outta here!

Oh, that's how it is, Nerd?! You just want to beat my high score and tell me to get the fuck out?!

The Nerd

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!