Lloyd Kaufman quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

Why's there always gotta be bats?!

Lloyd Kaufman

Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. [AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands] And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! [AVGN laughs offscreen]

Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--

Lloyd Kaufman

[Interrupts the Nerd] Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...

[nods in agreement] Takes a long time.

Lloyd Kaufman

Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! [AVGN snickers offscreen] And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.

Look at all the "Z"s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. [Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth] ...Like going to sleep. [AVGN glances at him and nods] Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!

Lloyd Kaufman

[suddenly wakes up and hallucinates] Ah, where am I?! [whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]

Alright.

Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?

Lloyd Kaufman

Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. [AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller] Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? [volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]

Lloyd Kaufman

I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. [actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head] I wanna take my clothes off.

Okay, okay, okay!

Lloyd Kaufman

Ah, I love this music.

Lloyd Kaufman

[having such difficulty playing] Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodie! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!

And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. (to Lloyd) And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!

Lloyd Kaufman

I spit on my name! [makes spitting noises]

What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!

Lloyd Kaufman

What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! (drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror) You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!

UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! [his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]

Lloyd Kaufman

Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.