KJKyle Justin
(singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Takes a dump in a coffee can
Plays some games with a grudge
Gonna shit out some anal fudge
Look out, here comes some shitty games
Alcohol is his power source
Takes a piss like a drunken horse
Climbs a wall, then he falls
This game sucks his spider-balls
Oh no, he's playing the shitty games
When he plays his games
He feels so ashamed
He shoots web from his wrist
But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed
Battletoads on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', "What is this, a cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff, or somethin'?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- [he turns to his right and notices Kyle] Who the fuck are you?
KKyle
I'm your guitar guy. [the Nerd doesn't get it.] I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
Well then, go back behind the damn COUCH! Geez!
KKyle
You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
KKyle
[stutters] Why can't I do the review with you?
Oh, uh-- because that's not how it WORKS! It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back behind the FUCKIN' COUCH!!
KKyle
[angrily; while fighting back his tears] I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
KKyle
There are no other couches to go behind!
AVGN [commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]: It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]
[Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]
KJKyle Justin
[groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
KJKyle Justin
Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
Yeah, a shitty game. Ikari Warriors.
KJKyle Justin
Yeah, I know that game.
KJKyle Justin
Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
KJKyle Justin
Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
KJKyle Justin
You thought wrong.
Yeah, [to camera] I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
Alright. Let's do this. Play the song.
[Kyle cracks his knuckles.]
Kyle Justin (playing scales on his guitar and singing): Do-mi-so-mi-do...
Play the song. [Kyle clears his throat] Play the fucking song! [Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]
KJKyle Justin
So who is this guy? Rambo?
Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
KJKyle Justin
Arnold Schwarzenegger?
That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be "Rambo and Commando'". Say that three times fast.
AKAVGN and Kyle Justin
Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!
(Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)
You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
KJKyle Justin
I'm trying!
...you're really stuck. (Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)
KJKyle Justin
Just kill me.
KJKyle Justin
No, kill me for real.
Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. (The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.) Alright. We're back in business now. (The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move) Oh, shit, you respawned inside another rock!
KJKyle Justin
I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out!
(He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)
(turns to where Kyle was sitting) A-B-B-A!
(This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)
You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
KJKyle Justin
Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
Yeah, made it to Level 3. And finally it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into The Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
KJKyle Justin
[singing] White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. [stops singing] Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.
KJKyle Justin
[singing] It's the game of life.
A, B, B, A.
It will bring you back today if you want it to.
[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]
KJKyle Justin
[singing] It will save you today...
KJKyle Justin
[singing] and bring you back to life...
Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
KJKyle Justin
...didn't save him today...
Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. [puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster] Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book How to Win at Nintendo. Nowcheck out this code: "right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select." [pauses incredulously] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long? And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!
(after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To really find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, "Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies". Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is during the title screen, not before it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
KJKyle Justin
(singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
So here we are, back in level 3.
Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
KJKyle Justin
(singing) Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.
Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
KJKyle Justin
[singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]
You have accomplished
the mission.
You are the very prevailer
that protect right
and justice.
I would express my sincere.
Thanks to you.
Take good rest!
General Kawasaki
Get back behind the couch.
KJKyle Justin
[still singing] He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
