Culkin quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

(playing the SNES Home Alone 2 game) Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? "Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!" I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like "I wanna play with myself, all day long!"Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (begins crying) What am I gonna do?!

The Nerd

Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (rips of name tag) You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' Home Alone games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (screams a la Kevin)

Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

(while battling Harry and Marv at the tree) Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.

The Nerd

"Demonic evil tree"? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...

It was a long time ago.

The Nerd

I know, I know, it's--

DON'T TOUCH ME!

The Nerd

(playing Home Alone 2 for Genesis) Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?

I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? "Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!" Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!

The Nerd

At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, "What the fuck?"

This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!

The Nerd

Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!

Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!

The Nerd

(disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!

No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.

The Nerd

Naw, I-- No I don't....

No....

The Nerd

And that's from the web series that brought you "Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!"