The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

[picks up the Nokia N-Gage] The Nokia N-Gage. Nokia's attempt to mix a phone with a gaming system. These days, it's common to play a game on your phone, but back then, options were... kinda limited, but Nokia was here to change that. They had a pretty impressive catalog, too. Stuff like Call of Duty, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, and of course, Tomb Raider. Before we play the game, we have to put it in! Right? No problem, let's just pop the back off the phone, then you pull out the battery... Hmm. I hope no one tries to call me while I'm doing this.

Shit pickle, shit pickle! Shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle, shit pickle!

FUCKERRRRS! FUCKERRRRS!

MUNKY CHEEEEEEEEEEEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Nerd

So, we insert the SD card, pop the battery back in, put the case( of the phone) back on, and we're ready.

The Nerd

[after he reviews the Nokia N-Gage version of Tomb Raider] Well, it was an interesting experiment, but ultimately a failure. The (Nokia) N-Gage couldn't compete with Game Boy Advance, and eventually faded into obscurity.

The Nerd

Oh, shit!

Leave me alone. I'm busy.

The Nerd

[shouts] FUCK!!!

[receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the Surf Ninjas game] This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?

The Nerd

Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.

Sure thing. Go right ahead.

The Nerd

Have you ever watched the movie, Surf Ninjas?

Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in Street Fighter: The Movie? That would explain all the blue camouflage--

The Nerd

Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, Surf Ninjas, does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?

Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.

The Nerd

[hangs up abruptly] See? I knew it.

Hello? Hello? [sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed] Wow. What an asshole.

The Nerd

(looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy) What's this?

A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.

The Nerd

You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.

The Nerd

Oh, not funny.

Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.

The Nerd

No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.

That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?

The Nerd

I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?

No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?

The Nerd

Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...

Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.

The Nerd

Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

The Nerd

(covering the PS2 Home Alone game) The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!

Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.

The Nerd

It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. (holding the case) Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

The Nerd

(playing the SNES Home Alone game) The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.

Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?

The Nerd

The items are found in the most random places, (sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet) like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!

(disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...

The Nerd

(equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.

Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.

The Nerd

You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?

Yeah.

The Nerd

Pizza?

You've never had toilet pizza?

The Nerd

Yeah.

Yeah.

The Nerd

Pizza shit.

Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? "Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!" I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like "I wanna play with myself, all day long!"Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (begins crying) What am I gonna do?!

The Nerd

Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (rips of name tag) You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' Home Alone games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (screams a la Kevin)

Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

(while battling Harry and Marv at the tree) Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.

The Nerd

"Demonic evil tree"? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...

It was a long time ago.

The Nerd

I know, I know, it's--

DON'T TOUCH ME!

The Nerd

(playing Home Alone 2 for Genesis) Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?

I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? "Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!" Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!

The Nerd

At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, "What the fuck?"

This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!

The Nerd

Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!

Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!

The Nerd

(disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!

No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.

The Nerd

Naw, I-- No I don't....

No....

The Nerd

And that's from the web series that brought you "Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!"

The Nerd

That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say "Aladdin is the future in console gameplay"? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the "Coming Soon" games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!

Hey, I'm back.

The Nerd

What are you doing back here?

Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.

The Nerd

Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.

You got it, dude! Smell ya later!

The Nerd

Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! [Gets up to leave]

[Hisses angrily]

The Nerd

Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! [Produces a packet of Mentos]

[Screams and retreats]

The Nerd

Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!

Mentos! The Freshmaker!

The Nerd

You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.

[Pitched down] #PEPSIMAAAAN!#

Fred Fuchs

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!

The Nerd

...I guess that's a good point.

The Nerd

"Survive 'till the fixed time"... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?

Fred Fuchs

Yes.

The Nerd

Thought so.