Batnerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

Let's start with Batman: The Caped Crusader for the Commodore 64. This game came out a year before the Tim Burton movie, which makes it the only game on our list that's not movie-licensed.

You get a choice to fight against the Penguin or the Joker, but both games seem to be identical. I never really got far enough to find out. Every time you exit a screen, another panel pops up. I guess they were tryin' to make it look like a comic book, but it's just awkward.

The first enemies you encounter are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles, or bats, which take shits on ya. Yeah, if you look close enough, you can see the little shit bombs droppin' outta their asses.

The control is weird. As you can see the instruction manual explains it. To do different punches and kicks, you have to hold the joystick in a certain direction while hitting the button. It's also ridiculous tryin' to hit anybody; You have to be like a step away! And no matter how many times you hit somebody, they don't die! [fighting an enemy] Die! [continues attacking the enemy, who refuses to die] What the hell? [looks at the screen in shock]

There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.

So, I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What is all this shit? "Restart game"? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? [tries to type "N", but the keyboard doesn't respond] Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.

Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! [Batman voice] I'm Batman. [throws the "Batman: The Caped Crusader" Commodore 64 disk to the ground]

Next up, Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.

Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' BULLSHIT! You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but no, it jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: To shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press select slightly before you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! THAT'S A GOOD REASON WHY THE JUMP BUTTON SHOULD NOT BE UP!! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!! If this [up on the d-pad] aimed your grappling hook and THIS [B button] jumped, THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!

Everything's so dark, you can never tell where there's a door. Then you walk back and look for one of those spots where you can use your grappling dick. [Batman manages to jump onto his grappling hook] See? Right there. That was just a lucky guess.

Another problem is the fuckin' foreground keeps blocking me. It's like, "GET THAT SHIT OUT OF THE WAY! I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M DOIN'!" I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take LAVA DUMP all over the screen!

[playing "Batman: Return of the Joker" on Game Boy] The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.

[playing Batman: Revenge of the Joker on Sega Genesis] What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!

OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?! What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! AGAIN! THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL, AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER! I've had enough of this catastrophe!

[after subduing the Joker] I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass! Batman: Revenge of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman Forever! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! [Joker screams again] And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64! [Joker screams]

And just when you thought you had the controls all figured out, you come to this part where you need to jump down. You'd expect to be able to just simply push Down, maybe in combination with the jump button. But, oh, that's right, there is no fuckin' jump button. It's Up. That would be pretty impressive, to be able to press Down and Up at the same time. Well, anyway, you try every combination imaginable, and guess what? It's Down and R! YEAH, R! That's not even one of the main buttons! WHY R?! And again, the R button has to be tapped slightly before you press Down.

And sometimes there isn't even a hole to tell you where you're able to do that! WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CRYPTIC?!

WH- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus, or something. I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just fuck it up?! Well, they did. Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever!

[Batman voice] I'm Batmaaaaan. [throws "Batman Forever" to the floor]

[Batman voice] That's it. That's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.

Batman! Batman! You wanna play a really shitty Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, Return of the Joker on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?

[normal voice] Yeah, but I'm not really Batman, though.

You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! [laughs insanely] Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- [Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]

I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!

[chortles] Yes, you are! [water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face] [laughs insanely] Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! [The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts "Return of the Joker" into the NES Top Loader and the caption "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on the screen]

[narrating] Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!

Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.

Shut up!

[briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! [laughs resumes laughing]