The Nerd quotes from The Angry Video Game Nerd

The Nerd

Okay, let's rank all the Doom ports. Graphics. I'd say the best is PlayStation and the worst is Super Nintendo. Music. I'd say the best is 3DO, and the worst is Jaguar because there is none. Control. The best is PlayStation and the worst is 3DO. If I were to give them names, I'd call them Poor Man's Doom, Silent Doom, Mosaic Doom, Almost Doom, Cow's Anus Doom and Diluted Diarrhea Doom. They all have their pros and cons. This is like a pick your poison situation. And no, I didn't forget about Doom 64 because that's a completely different game. I'd call this one Blind Doom because it's so dark you can't see shit. If only it was the 64th version of Doom.

Wait. What about Doom on Game Boy Advance?

The Nerd

Really? Doom on a handheld console? (scoffs) Do we really have to scrub Actually, this is half-decent for a handheld console. The resolution's similar to Super Nintendo, but it's brighter and easier to see what you're doing. It controls fine. The music and sound are good. Not as good as the PC obviously. For a portable version of Doom on Game Boy Advance, it's not bad. Okay, there can't be anymore of these. I'm done now, right?

Just hang in there, there's a few more.

The Nerd

Doom on the ZX Spectrum?! Why would they port Doom on the ZX Spectrum? Why even bother? The graphics are what you'd expect and the controls are so bad it's almost non-functional!

The Nerd

Now you're really pulling my leg. Doom on NES? There's no way! Look at it! It's total garbage! At least it works with the NES Zapper. That's good, I guess. Doom on Game Boy? No. No! (groans) This is below the bottom of the toilet! We're all the way into the sewage plan at this point. Doom on Virtual Boy?! You know, I thought this would be a cool idea to experience Doom in virtual reality, but this is way too soon! Not ready yet! Ugh. Man, at least the blood is red, it's because everything's red! Doom on Atari 2600? Yes, somebody actually made this. Doom on Vectrex? Somebody actually got this to run? Oh, that's it. I can't take it anymore. No more Doom. (Doom on Tiger handheld console lands on the Nerd) No. It can't be. Doom on Tiger Electronic Handheld! (laughs) This is fucked beyond belief! This is below human standards! This game is filth! This game puts the die in diarrhea! Who wants to play Doom on a Tiger handheld console? It can't get any worse. Oh, God! It's worse! Doom on R-Zone! Doom on a wristwatch? Doom on a flip phone? Doom on a calculator? That's right, Doom on a calculator. The crazy thing is you think I'm making this up. It's actually real! I am playing Doom on a calculator.

The Nerd

And by the way, I took ten of them earlier! You wanna give me the doom, you demonic devil dickhead? Well, I've got some dookie doom for you, fuckface! I'm gonna launch out my ass through this sumbitch! [picks up the BFSG] This is the BFSG, Big Fucking Shit Gun! [inserts the BFSG into his anus]

No! Not that!

The Nerd

Bombs away, motherfucker! Here it comes! [grunts] This way... All right, where's the button? Where's... Where's that fucking button? Come on. [activates the BFSG] Oh! Here we go!

The Nerd

Oh! Oh, man.

The Nerd

It's you.

Never mind, the man behind the wall.

The Nerd

You're John Romero.

Yes, it was me all along.

The Nerd

You made fuckin' Doom!

Yes, and I've been waiting for you to review it. What took you so long, Nerd? More than 200 episodes, and you still haven't done Doom.

The Nerd

Are you telling me you've been behind my wall the entire time?

Yes, it's been... interesting.

The Nerd

Okay, so look, you made me play all these Doom ports, you did all this weird stuff to the room, you're this decapitated head on a spike that's somehow alive, you're the great and powerful, can you do just one thing? Can you get Doom to run on my Commodore 64?

No, I can't do that.

(sighs) I don't think I could take anymore, but our last hope is The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles on NES.

The Nerd

Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha. [pushes the Diarrhea Dial more]

This is the worst Indiana Jones game of all! This is below any human standard of decency! I can't even believe this is real! Why did they make level one so difficult?! Right out of the gate, this game bullies you relentlessly! How were kids supposed to play this?! There's games that just suck, but then there's games that seem to be made with ill intent like this was designed to punish your soul as if someone hates you. Well, fuck them! They don't allow you to make any mistakes! You might be having a near, flawless run, but oops, you get hit, you lose your weapon, and then you're down to your fists, which is useless. You come to a wall of gun turrets, like the Contra level one boss. Good luck trying to punch that! I've given every ounce of my gaming spirit, AND I CAN'T BEAT LEVEL ONE!!!!!

[groans] It's killing me! No, no, it's... actually killing me! Ahhh! Why did all these games suck?!

[while he has a heart attack after he tries to play the game] I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying! [breathes heavily] There's only... one thing that could save me!

Oh, shit! Ah! Oh! I should've known! It's a replica! Fuck!

The Nerd

Oh, God. Oh, what's happening?! Ah! Ahh! [vanishes]

The Nerd

You know, if you thought I was jokin' around, I don't blame you. You are welcome to try it yourself. Try it out, because it is real. There is actually a message in E.T. Interplanetary Mission on PlayStation 1 that says... "Fuck off Bin Laden". I didn't know his name would come up. I mean, just to clarify, I agree with telling him to fuck off. He was a terrorist leader. A pretty awful person. He deserved it. PlayStation really showed him! E.T. told him off!

Fuck him.

The Nerd

But look... I can make sense of this, okay? You just gotta put it in the proper context. The game came out in 2002. That was only a year after 9/11, Bin Laden was still at large, tensions were high. So you can understand why... why... [sighs] why... [sigh] why? Why? WHY IS IT IN THE FUCKIN' GAME?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! If you're gonna tell Bin Laden to fuck off, you'd think it would happen in a different game, like... I don't know, Call of Duty or somethin'. I mean, of all the characters you could use as your spokesperson to counter terrorism, you're gonna use E.T.?! Even back in the early 90s, there were games comin' out like Operation Secret Storm. But it's not like there was a code in Mario Kart where Mario says "Fuck you, Saddam!". WHY is it in the game-- no no no, a better question is, how is it in the game? Even though it's a hidden screen, it still made it in. "Fuck off Bin Laden" successfully got an actual PlayStation 1 disc, which was packaged inside this case, which was sold in stores! WITH AN ESRB RATING OF "E!" They slipped the word "fuck" past the Entertainment Software Ratings Board! That's ingenious. So, how did this happen? Well, there's a story. I mean, who knows if this is true. But, it's been said that the developers were forced by the higher-ups to remove the standard credits scene, so, they basically put it into an easter egg instead and used the opportunity to vent their frustrations towards... their boss? Towards the head of Sony? No, towards the fucking leader of Al-Qaeda. That makes sense.