(looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy) What's this?
PBPizza Boy
A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
(He opens the pizza box to find Home Alone games on different consoles.)
PBPizza Boy
Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
PBPizza Boy
That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
PBPizza Boy
No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
PBPizza Boy
Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!
(covering the PS2 Home Alone game) The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
PBPizza Boy
Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. (holding the case) Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.
(playing the SNES Home Alone game) The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
PBPizza Boy
Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
The items are found in the most random places, (sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet) like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
PBPizza Boy
(disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
(equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
PBPizza Boy
Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
PBPizza Boy
You've never had toilet pizza?
PBPizza Boy
Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? "Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!" I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like "I wanna play with myself, all day long!"Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (begins crying) What am I gonna do?!
Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (rips of name tag) You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' Home Alone games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (screams a la Kevin)
Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
