So, basically, the rights to LJN have been all over the place and lately have existed in sort of a phantom limbo. But this document, from the current owners certifies me as the sole inheritance of the name LJN!
(The Nerd looks at his certification which makes him the owner of LJN. It was signed by Fred Fucks on December 1, 2021.)
(sighs) How could this happen to me? (throws certificate) With great power, comes great responsibility! And with me, as the head of LJN, I will UNDO the wrongs of the past, and prove that there is gold at the end of this rainbow!
(The Nerd walks to his Commodore 64.)
I'll be doing the remakes of the LJN game library that starts with Back to the Future that used the same limitations they had back then. Except for this time, it'll be done right. So... (he types on the keyboard) I'd like to introduce you to my game designer, Sam. How you doing, Sam?
SBSam Beddoes
(appears on the screen) Hey, Nerd, I'm doing great. I'm really excited to be working on this. What are you calling me from?
SBSam Beddoes
How does that eve... It's very important. Listen, Universal has a strict deadline on this, so it has to be ready in time for the Christmas shopping season.
So, um, the actors, the likenesses, the music. Do we have, you know, everything signed off?
SBSam Beddoes
Uh... Yeah, I'm working on it, but it's almost there.
So, we want this to be more of a fun action experience. You know, racing around on a skateboard, lots of enemies, characters from the movies.
SBSam Beddoes
Ah, sounds good. I'll get to work and report back soon.
Thanks, Sam. (turns off his Commodore 64) That new game's gonna be good. Better be.
All right, let's check on Sam. (he goes to his Commodore 64, pushes the space button and turns it on) Hey, Sam, how's the game looking?
SBSam Beddoes
Yeah, uh, she's pretty good you know all things considered I mean, the NES is a little harder to program for than I expected but you know it's, it's coming together you can see. Well hey, why don't you try it out for yourself? It’s an early build, but I think it's prominent.
(holds a prototype cartridge) Quick delivery. (inserts the cartridge into the Nintendo Entertainment System and plays the prototype game as Marty jumps through obstacles and on enemies against a blue background) All right. Okay, it's a good start. I mean we need some kind of power ups, here. So can we put Hill Valley in the background there, have some time travel, get the DeLorean up to 88?
SBSam Beddoes
Yeah, w-we got time.
Maybe have the holographic shark?
SBSam Beddoes
Oh, totally as a boss fight!
Do we get all the actors to sign off yet?
SBSam Beddoes
Yeah, yeah, well, well, well, well, no, uh, working on it. It- It’s almost there.
It's a good start. But yeah, there's a lot left to do.
SBSam Beddoes
Oh, let's get back to work!
I'll check in on you again soon.
(The Nerd turns off his Commodore 64)
It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good.
Let's check on Sam. (pushes the space button)
SBSam Beddoes
Yeah, it's coming along, try it out.
(The Nerd begins playing the prototype game. Marty is jumping through obstacles, collecting clocks, and stomping on enemies.)
O-Okay. Um, what-... Clocks? Really? Clocks again?
Sam Beddoes: Uh you know, time! Isn’t it?
The Nerd: I- Okay, we need to change the clocks. We can’t have clocks in the game.
Sam Beddoes: Got it, got it, right, changing the clocks. No clocks.
The Nerd: You didn’t get the licensing, did you?
Sam Beddoes: Uh… the hoverboard… uh, that we got that. It’s it’s pink and yellow.
The Nerd: How are you supposed to control this?
Sam Beddoes: Yes, so there’s like an acceleration, deceleration thing going on there so it feels kind of like uh… actually hovering on a hoverboard. I’m still working on getting it to be actually playable.
The Nerd: Yeah, playable! That would be… something.
Sam Beddoes: Yeah yeah, it’ll get there.
The Nerd: The holographic shark. W-what is going on with it?
Sam Beddoes: Okay, so the-the NES couldn’t actually do like transparencies so to make something look kind of transparent, you had a frame where you could see it and a frame where you couldn’t see it. See? You can see it’s like flashing on and off and if you put on a really old CRT TV, it kind of looks transparent and you only get a tiny little bit of a headache!
The Nerd: A tiny bit of a headache. Okay, t-this really needs to get fixed. How much time do we have to finish this again?
Sam Beddoes: (checks his watch) Uh… Ah! Um… plenty of time. We're good.
(The Nerd turns off his C64 system)
All right. Well, that'll get strained out. Anyway, we already took care of the LJN sports games. So next, let’s check out the LJN Marvel games which consist of Spider-Man, X-Men, and The Punisher. First up, the Spider-Man games. Luckily, I already covered some of them.
(The Nerd goes to his Commodore 64 and turns it on)
All right, Sam. How's the game going?
SBSam Beddoes
Uh, you know, it's getting there, but uh, I mean there's a little bit of sprite flicker. Uh... Why don't you try it out?
(The Nerd plays the prototype game again. This time, clocks are replaced with hourglasses and there are death blocks in the stage)
SBSam Beddoes
Well, you said no clocks.
No! We need something else!
SBSam Beddoes
...Sundials?
(stutters) Wait. D-death blocks?! Oh, these remind me of something.
SBSam Beddoes
Uh, well see that that would be that'll be a thing called developer difficulty, where if you are testing your own game 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and not sleeping, you get really good at it and so the game ends up like way, way harder than you think it is.
Yeah, we need to tone down the difficulty.
SBSam Beddoes
It's okay, okay, we got a focus group lined up. Universal has done it for us.
Wait, everything's flickering!
Sam Beddoes: Yeah, that's um, that's the NES uh, the uh, I can't do too many sprites on the screen at once, otherwise it starts flickering. I'm still working on the solution for that whole thing.
Okay, I can't even control which way I'm supposed to be going! Okay, well, maybe, can we move on to another console?
SBSam Beddoes
That would entail starting over from scratch.
All right. Keep it on the NES! Get it fixed!
(The Nerd turns off his C64 system and sighs)
AAThe Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd
What were you thinking?!
All right, Sam. How's the game coming?
SBSam Beddoes
Yeah, this is okay, so I got the feedback from the focus group. Um, the difficulty is too high, the game is too easy, too many enemies, not enough opponents to fight with. Somebody says that they really want hula girls and the bowling ball weapon.
This is... horrible! Do we even have any, um, any power-ups at all now?
SBSam Beddoes
Uh, well, you said no-no hourglasses. So, the time kind of runs out a bit quick.
What's happening with the music here?
(The Power of Love plays at a bit speed)
SBSam Beddoes
Okay, so, we had The Power of Love, uh, and, um, well, we couldn't, you know, the licensing and everything. So, I sped it right up, so you can't even recognize it because I had to avoid the licensing issues.
Oh, no, no, you didn't avoid the licensing issues and put the... (grunts) The bowling ball!
SBSam Beddoes
Since anyone knows the focus group wanted the bowling balls man, I don't know why.
Who wanted to avoid the licensing issues and have bowling balls? Oh, the flickering is worse. Oh, the controls are worse. Oh, the time limit is worse! Oh, we-we are spiraling into the toilet here!
SBSam Beddoes
Uh, just while they have you, we do need to mix the time travel, the Hill Valley background, uh, and a few other things just because of time constraints.
Fine, fine. Just make it playable. Make it work. How much time do we have to fix this?
SBSam Beddoes
Okay, so, the-the deadline is, uh, let me take a look. (looks at his watch) Two hours from now. Hope you got a flux capacitor!
(inhales sharply) All right, you got one last chance! Don't fuck this up! (slams the space button to turn off his Commodore 64)
And so in '95, Acclaim performed an exorcism on the LJN name, and so it was gone for five years, like a demon seeking a new host. It found another console to invade, the Dreamcast, and thus emerged the final appearance of the unholy sign, the old rainbow in the dark. Look at that logo in full Dreamcast glory. You know, I'm gonna miss reviewing LJN games. No, I'm not. The game is Spirit of Speed, a racing game which takes place in 1937, so I guess maybe if you're really into classic cars of that time period, it might sort of be appealing. But jeez, give me Mario Kart or F-Zero any day, even as far as realistic racing games go, this is more like early Playstation and N64 than Dreamcast, Spirit of Speed my ass, more like Spirit of Slow. The cars handle like you're dragging 20 tons of bowling balls of donkey dung. You like trudging through farmland as dull green and gray wash over your senses, and 10 laps, what are you kidding me? This is something you play if you want to go to sleep. There's almost nothing to say about it. I can't work with this! But you know what? I just completed the LJN library.
(The scene fades up to the Nerd who looks at the LJN logo in the sky at sunset as the logo fades away and the Nerd gives the LJN logo the middle finger salute.)
(The Nerd walks back to Commodore 64 and he pushes the space button.)
All right, Sam. Let's see the game.
SBSam Beddoes
Well, we did our best, so, this is the final product. We cut some corners, but I think...
Just show me the damn game!
SBSam Beddoes
All right, all right, all right. Here it is, here it is.
(The Nerd plays the final product version as he gasps in shock and shudders in horror and sees the gameplay and then he screams and goes to the Rampage arcade machine.)
(pants) I'm a shitload of fuck! I'm a shitload of FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
(The Nerd cries as the Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd appears on the reflection of the Rampage arcade cabinet.)
AAThe Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd
Nerd!
AAThe Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd
You've made the worst game ever made! You've become the very thing you were fighting against!
AAThe Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd
(plays the remake of Back to the Future) I should be reviewing your game, Nerd!
AAThe Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd
I'm the Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd!
AAThe Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd
What was he thinking? What a shitload of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea bull fuck that is! It sucks, it blows, and it's a whole shit!
(while he slides on the LJN rainbow) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
The Angry Video Game Nerd · 789 quotes
