Kitty Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

Red, you big old softie! Did anything special happen yesterday? Between you and Eric?

Red

Special? Well, let's see... The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity. The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw. I spent the rest of the day in a fog.

Kitty

Oh, no. Oh my God! You don't remember what you said to Eric?!

Red

Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.

Eric

Alright, Dad. Look, I tried to figure out the right words and then I realized I just gotta say it, so...

Kitty

Wait, Eric...

Eric

Mom, please. Dad, I...

Kitty

[in slow motion] Stop! He was drugged!

Eric

...love you.

Red

Go to your room!

Young Eric

Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.

Young Hyde

Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.

Young Eric

Okay, Steven.

Young Hyde

And it's Hyde.

Young Eric

Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?

Young Hyde

That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.

Kitty

Well, now, who do we have here?

Young Eric

This is Hyde.

Kitty

Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!

Young Hyde

I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.

Red

Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!

Kitty

Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]

Red

I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]

Young Hyde

If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]

Hyde

Now I have to kill you.

Kitty

Okay kids it's nighty night time.

Hyde

Night mom!

Fez

That's my mama!

Eric

I love you Fez.

Hyde

I love you more!

Red

I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

Kitty

Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!

Awwwww!

Bob

And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.

Kitty

She said no?

Eric

Can you do that?

Red

No.

Bob

I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.

Eric

Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.

Kitty

[in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

Bob

The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.

Eric

There is?

Red

No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

Red

Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric

I said No.

Red

You said No!

Kitty

... Dumbass!

Eric

Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty

[agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?

Eric

Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red

So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

Kitty

Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.

Kitty

Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!

Hyde

No, it's not what you think. We're not together.

Kitty

Then what's going on in my kitchen?

Jackie

Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]

Hyde

Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]

Red

Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!

Eric

Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.

Red

No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.

Kitty

Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

Kelso

I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

Eric

We...barely knew.

Donna

Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.

Eric

Like radioactive spiders.

Kelso

Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?

Kitty

Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.

Fez

Finally.

Kelso

What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

Kitty

Did it hit you this hard too?

Did what, dear?

Kitty

Menopause.

Ohhh...I never had it.

Kitty

Mom, everybody has it.

Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!

Kitty

You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.

Well, I didn't.

Kitty

Yes, you did!

Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.

Kitty

Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?

I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!

Donna

Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]

Kitty

Excuse me?

Donna

Uh, Mrs Forman-

Kitty

I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.

Red

Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?

Kitty

[snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]

Kitty

Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

Kelso

A little?

Kitty

SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Fez

I'm hooked.

Kitty

You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]

Eric

Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

Red

There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric

Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Red

Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .

Kitty

Just say it Red, barren!

Red

Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.

Kitty

Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.

Red

No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His? mother got run over by a car.

Kitty

Did you run over a dog, Red?!

Eric

[To Schatzi] Hey Schatzi, stay away from my witch sister. Her and her witch friends have been known to sacrifice small animals. Oh, and possibly that one asthmatic neighbor boy.

Kitty

Eric, little Wally moved away.

Eric

A six-year-old moved away? His parents still live in that house!

Kitty

Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.

Eric

What's so Belgian about them?

Red

They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.