Kitty Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Kitty

OH MY GOD!

Donna

Oh my God!

Hyde

Alright! It's Donna's butt!

Red

DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!

Red

Is that what I think it is?

Kelso

If you mean paprika, yes, sir!

Kitty

Honey... Honey, paprika is red.

Kelso

If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!

Red

[angrily] Green paprika?

Kelso

Hyde, what am I looking for here?

Hyde

Oregano!

Kelso

If you mean oregano, yes, sir!

Red

Kitty, how's Burt?

Kitty

I don't know how to say this. Daddy's gone to a better place.

Kelso

Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.

Red

Who the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.

Kitty

And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.

Hyde

Told you to look where you were goin'.

Jackie

Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?

Eric

You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.

Red

Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?

Hyde

Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.

Kitty

Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.

Hyde

Look, nothing was going on.

Eric

Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!

Red

Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.

Kitty

Donna, you're so sweet for letting Jackie live here with you while her mother is...[pauses]...you know.

Donna

Whoring around Mexico?

Kitty

Donna that is not fair...[pauses]...I think she left Mexico.

Donna

Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!

Eric

Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!

Kitty

[Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!

Red

Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.

Kitty

A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]

Fez

Hang on, Dad.

Red

Kitty?

Kitty

Yes, Red?

Red

If I don't make it, kill the foreigner!

Kitty

Eric, we have to keep your father calm -- so no shenanigans.

Eric

Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.

Red

Will you shut up!

Kitty

Now, let's get you upstairs for your nap. And Eric, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.

Eric

Mom, please. I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.

Red

Will you shut up?!

Fez

Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?

Laurie

Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.

Fez

What is your problem?

Red

Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.

Kitty

Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?

Laurie

Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.

Red

Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]

Fez

Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?

Laurie

I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]

Fez

Bitch.

Eric

[after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.

Red

Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.

Eric

Wait, but Dad...

Kitty

No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.

Red

[after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!

Hyde

Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?

Red

I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.

Kelso

Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]

Red

All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.

Eric

But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]

Hyde

Hey look Fez, just like your frog.

Red

Ah, well. It was broken anyway.

Eric

No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.

Kitty

Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.

Red

This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.

Kitty

Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.

Red

[stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]

Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.

Red

[taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.

Kitty

Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?

Red

[overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?

Kitty

There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!

Red

Yes I did.

Kitty

No you didn't.

Red

Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]

Kitty

Bob, this is clearly upsetting Donna. How can you date her?

Red

Yeah. How can you date her?

Kitty

[glares at Red] What does that mean?

Red

What?

Kitty

You emphasized "her" like there's something special about "her".

Red

[stammering a bit] I just said what you said. But you must've missed it because I was on my way outside to mow the lawn. [heads outside]

Kitty

I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?

[walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]

Red

Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!