[Red is not pleased that Kitty's serving tea]
RedThis is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
Red
[stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
PBPam Burkhart
Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
Red
[taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.
[Donna just told Kitty about her and Jackie discovering Bob and Pam in a hot tub]
Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?
Red
[overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?
There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!
Red
Yes I did.
Red
Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]
[Kitty is trying to convince Bob not to date Pam]
Bob, this is clearly upsetting Donna. How can you date her?
Red
Yeah. How can you date her?
[glares at Red] What does that mean?
Red
What?
You emphasized "her" like there's something special about "her".
Red
[stammering a bit] I just said what you said. But you must've missed it because I was on my way outside to mow the lawn. [heads outside]
[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
PPam
[walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Red
Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
Red
What are you, an animal?
But why wouldn't you lock the door?
Red
How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
Red
If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
Red
What are you, an animal?
[Fez catches Red reading a romantic novel]
So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Red
Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!
[Red faces Hyde in the basement over him tapping to the cable TV]
Red
What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!!
Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at the carwash girl? She is so sudsy.
Red
You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
Red, the carwash girls have to make 500 dollars, or their super-freaky love nest is gonna turn into a bookstore.
Red
Look there's only one clicker, and it's upstairs. My cable, my channel! [walks back up]
[Red, Kitty, and the gang gets to know Hyde's real father]
Red:
So William? What kind of work do you do?
WBWilliam Barnett
I own a chain of record stores.
Record stores...That's cool, huh? I was afraid you where gonna be a cop or something?
BBarnett
I don't like cops.
I don't like cops either...Hey, who do you think shot JFK?
BBarnett
I don't know because they [points up] don't want me to know.
I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.
Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.
I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.
You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.
(gasps) One of Red's beers?
There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.
Red
Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.
Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.
Red
You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?
No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.
Red
No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.
Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.
Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.
[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]
Red
Kitty, we don't need The Joy Of Sex.
Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
Red
But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
[browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Red
Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
[enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
Red
I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
[to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!
[Red sees Kelso's hand stuck on the refrigerator handle]
Red
Kelso, it's six in the morning. Did someone glue you to the fridge?
Red
Kelso, did you glue yourself to the fridge?
Red
I'm spending the day ice fishing. [puts on hat]
Well, I'll come with you. Grab a fishing stick for me!
Red
[takes off hat] I don't wanna go.
Red
Because I don't want you to go.
[mimics loading a shotgun] BURN!
Red
Really. I mean, Kitty, you'd hate it. It's cold and boring. And we both know the only ice you like is in your cocktails.
[Having been given money by Red to buy a jersey, Eric comes back to the stands wearing a Chicago Bears jersey, amidst a sea of Packers fans]
Red
Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?
Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.
Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.
Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.
Red
For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?
No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
