[Red, Kitty, and Eric confront Hyde for letting Jackie sleep over in the basement. Eric is in a makeshift toga.]
RedWho the hell do you think you are? Bringing a girl into my house in the middle of the night.
And right in our basement. We keep our Christmas decorations down there. Baby Jesus was watching.
Told you to look where you were goin'.
Well what idiot leaves a Lego set right in front of the door?
You knocked over my Space Command Center? I spent three hours building that.
Red
Alright. Now what is going on in my basement?
Jackie's been sleeping here the last couple of weeks.
Couple of weeks. This is not the Playboy Mansion you know.
Look, nothing was going on.
Nothing was going on? Umm, space command centers were ruined!
Red
Would you please go put some pants on? This is where I eat.
Red
[learning Eric is selling his albums for money] You know, it occurs to me, that since I paid the allowance that bought those records in the first place, that money's mine.
Well, it occurs to me that possession is nine-tenths of the law.
Red
Keep up with the smart-mouth, and my foot'll be nine-tenths of the way up your ass! [leaves]
You know, Forman, you should write a book: Things My Father Threatened to Put in My Ass. Chapter One: His Foot. I'd buy that!
[Red is pleased with Eric's new job at Joanne's dog food factory]
Red
Look at you. You got that great dog food job now. And plenty of dog food money comin' in. I mean ... you two are happy, right?
Red
Of course you are. And that's why I've changed my mind. This promising new career in dog food has convinced me ... that you two are mature enough to get married.
Wha-Are, are you serious?
Red
Absolutely! Hey! Let's get you happy kids hitched as soon as possible! Like next week!
Next week? Wow that's, that's really soon.
Yeah, well sooner than we thought. We were thinkin' like ... someday.
Yeah, yeah someday. That's good.
[Eric and Donna are browsing the classified ads for places to rent near UW-Madison]
Eric, this place has a washer and dryer!
Wait. A washer and free water? My God, its like there's no reason to come home!
[Kitty laughs] Excuse me. [walks outside to Red who is fixing the car] A washer and dryer, Red! They are going to have a washer and dryer! That redheaded harlot is going to be Shouting out my baby's grass stains! What about my last summer with my youngest child? I bet you weren't thinking about that when you went fishing! I bought sparklers for the fourth of July! He loves sparklers and now he's leaving and what are we going to do for THE FOURTH OF JULY?!
Red
Uhh... [smiling] There's a car show in Kenosha.
A car show? I don't want to go to a goddamn car show in FUCKING KENOSHA! I just want three more fucking months with my baby boy, and now they're gone because of your bullshit! WAY TO GO DUMBASS! [storms back to house]
Eric, we have to keep your father calm -- so no shenanigans.
Oh, Mom, I haven't shenaniganned in six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-do-welled. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red
Will you shut up!
Now, let's get you upstairs for your nap. And Eric, he needs quiet, so no shenanigans.
Mom, please. I haven't shenaniganned in about six years. I've hooliganned, I've no-good-nicked, I've ne'er-done-well. Just yesterday I found myself rabble-rousing.
Red
Will you shut up?!
[Red joins Hyde in the basement. Hyde is watching a football game and drinking soda]
Red
Hey Steven. Where's your beer?
Red
Kitty threw away all my beer, the Packers are down by 11, you're 18, I know you have beer, so where's your beer? [Hyde removes the outer part of the soda can, revealing beer.] I don't want used beer.
Well I might have a couple of fresh ones in the shower. [Red opens the curtain to reveal about 15 cases of beer] Yeah I'm running low, I should probably hit the store. [Red takes a six pack and sits down to watch the game with Hyde.]
Laurie: well, look who the whore dragged in, herself. May I remind you you're married?
Oh, that's okay. The guy from last night was married, too.
[Red and Kitty walk in from the kitchen]
Red
Oh, are you two at it again? Your green card is on the way. [to Kitty] I thought this marriage was over.
Laurie, I gave you fifty dollars last week to go down to the courthouse and file for divorce. What happened?
Well, I had to get a new makeup mirror and some wine.
Red
Tomorrow we're going to the courthouse. [Red and Kitty walk away.]
Hmmmm, the courthouse is across town. I wonder if you can make it all the way there without sleeping with someone?
I bet I can make it there without sleeping with you. [Laurie walks away.]
Red
[as Fez comes into the room and sits down] Still not speaking to me, huh?
[puts his book down, annoyed] Fine, I'll speak. I spend all day running your bald, grumpy ass around town. And do I get a thanks?! No. Because you're unpleasant!
Red
...You wanna know why I'm unpleasant? I just had a heart attack, and now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place! [stands up, causing Fez to jump back] But I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car, breathing that mustard gas you call "cologne!" But mostly I'm unpleasant, because that's how it works in this family!
[gets choked up]...I'm family?
Red
[beat] Ah, crap!
[after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Red
Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
Red
[after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
Red
I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
Red
All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Red
Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
Red
Get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Under there? But... it-it's all spidery.
Red
Get under there or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass!
I just realized something. After all the years of me helping you fix stuff, you finally have to hold a flashlight for me. Lower, dumbass! [laughs]
[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]
Red
What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
Red
I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.
[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
Red
[imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
[imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Red
[imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
[imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
