Red Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Red

Have you been in bed all day?

Eric

Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?

Red

You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Kelso

Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here ... first thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.

Kitty

What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers? They're gonna kill him, he can't do anything!

Red

I told him this was a stupid idea and now were stuck out here in the middle of nowhere ... my foot is shaking it wants to kick his ass so bad. [Kitty shakes head]

Donna

[walks to Kitty and Red] I never should have let Eric go on this trip ... I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex [Kitty and Red look at her] ... I mean, scrabble.

Kitty

Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry [Donna's eyes open wide]

Kelso

[after analyzing car] Okay, I think it's obvious [stands] what happened to Eric ... [points around] we got an abandoned car, a flat tire, and footprints heading off in that direction. Mrs. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes. [Donna, Kitty, and Red are not satisfied with his analysis]

Red

Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help.

Kelso

And the coyotes got him along the way. Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

Kitty

OH, MY GOD!

Red

There goes the fun.

Kitty

Well, I hope you’re happy, Red Forman, because we are leaving! [to Hyde and Jackie] You two, get your A-S-Ses back to the car! [to the girls in bikinis] You two, get your B-O-O-Bs off my husband!

Kitty

How could you, Red Forman?! Steven stayed with Jackie, but you went off and gave my funnel cake to those whores!

Red

I was just trying to have a little fun!

Kitty

Oh, yeah?! Well, you can take your fun and shove it up your—

Eric

Dad, passing P.E. is all that’s standing between me and the rest of my life.

Red

You’re lucky this table is standing between my foot and your ass!

Eric

Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!

Donna

Eric that's perfect!

Kitty

That's wonderful!

Red

See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.

Kitty

So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]

Eric

[smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.

Donna

So, where then?

Eric

Africa!

Kitty

Africa, Wisconsin?

Red

I can't believe that is what you idiots have been doing in my basement all these years! I wish I had 2,000 feet, so I could put 500 of them in each of your asses!

Kitty

I'm shocked. The basement door closes, and out come the lighters and the drugs, and I am sure Donna's bouncing around there without a bra! It's like Amsterdam down there!

Red

[to Fez]Did someone shove a vacuum up your nose and suck out your last and lonely brain cell?

Kitty

What is going on in your head? I am so disappointed in you boys. And here I thought it was my dryer that made our clothes smell funny.

Red

Who taught you how to do this? Huh? Was it those damn Beatles? All you need is love? All you need is a job and a haircut!

Red

And you! [Kelso imagines Kitty's and Red's heads switching each other's bodies while high] Wipe that stupid smirk off you, dopey, dope-fiend face!

Kitty

Do you know what drugs do to you? They shrink your brain until one day you wake up, and you think you're superman and you can fly, and then you wind up jumping off the roof in your underpants.

Red

Oh, this idiot doesn't need drugs for that. He does that every Saturday. [Kelso laughs and nods] Well, this is the worst thing that you have ever done! Eric, I am gonna make you... I am going to... well, I can't think of anything worse than sending you to Africa. You're going to Africa!

Eric

Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots. God, why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get yellow fever. I could use a little color.

Fez

You guys, this might be our last circle together. We're growing up. I mean, [Hyde and Kelso] have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and...I'm doing more shaving than ever.

Kelso

Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots, so I'm gonna be a pal and get 'em with you. 'Cause I owe you for that time I chucked that dead raccoon at you...and then, it turned out to not be dead. And then it bit you, and then you kicked it back at me, and then it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.

Hyde

Remember on the way to the hospital, Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car because he wanted to go pet it. But he forgot the car was moving and he broke his arm. It was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever!

Eric

Look at us. Best friends offering to help each other. You know, we always have to remember this moment. [Red walks in on the circle behind Eric; everyone except Eric stares at Red] What?

Red

Upstairs! NOW!

Eric

I am in huge... trouble. [laughs]

Red

[catching Kitty smoking the gang's stash in the bathroom]): What do you have to say for yourself?

Kitty

I'M STARVING!

Hyde

Oh my God. What did I do?

Red

You married a Las Vegas stripper. Congratulations. With Eric gone, you’re the town dumbass.

Red

I can't believe Leo is a veteran. I don't know whether to like him a little more or like myself a little less.

Bob

Red, this was supposed to be your special night. We should be the ones over there getting free drinks.

Red

"We"?

Bob

I spent all my money on this costume.

Red

[walks up to Leo] So Leo, what exactly did you do in the war? I mean, just besides drive a supply truck.

Just drive a supply truck?! Leo, did you tell them what you did?

Leo

Nah. It's embarrassing.

You gotta tell 'm!

Leo

All right. I peed on Jane Fonda.

Leo here drove his truck right into a German tank formation and rescued an entire platoon.

Bob

Really?!

Didn't you get a medal for that?

Leo

Yeah. I forget what it was called, but it was shaped like a purple heart.

Red

Damn Leo. I'm impressed [shakes Leo's hand] From one veteran to another, I'd like to buy you a drink.

Leo

Actually, I like to buy you a drink.

Bob

I'll take a drink.

Red

Sorry. This round is for men who fought for Uncle Sam, not spent the war hiding in their Uncle Sam's house.

Leo

Hey man, even if he didn't see action, he still deserves a drink.

Red

All right, fine.

Leo

Bartender, one Shirley Temple!

Hyde

Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!

To drown out your snoring!

Hyde

I was snoring to drown out your talking!

Kitty

[gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]

Red

Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...

Jackie

Mrs. Forman, your brownies saved my life. Christine was yelling at me all morning but then I gave her one of your brownies and she started liking me.

Red

Oh, I don't believe that for a minute. I could eat a whole try of those brownies and I still wouldn't like you.

Red

Will you Just Listen?!

Kitty

Oh, Red. I'd love to talk to you, but I have to check the pressure in my tires.

Hyde

Hey Red. Kitty told Sam the presents weren't for her and I'm kind of in trouble. I got us each a bouquet of flowers for the ladies.

Red

Kitty! I got you roses! (to Hyde) See how it feels, dumbass?!

Kitty

You buy my gifts in bulk? [referring to Red's Emergency presents stash]

Red

No, it's more of a.... vast inventory of love. [pause]

Kitty

Well, you're about to get a vast inventory of MY FOOT IN YOUR ASS! [Red looks stunned] Yeah, I can do that too!

Kitty

Ooh, this pineapple reminds me of Donna. It's a little tart.

Bob

Hey, don't call my daughter names, you can call me names. I really wish you wouldn't.

Kitty

Why, I just..., I don't know what she sees in Randy. He's so charming, and, and friendly, and always willing to lend a helping hand. What a jackass.

Bob

Well, I like him. He calls me Mr. P. Where did he come up with that one?

Red

Kitty, if Donna's going to date anyone, why not him? I mean, he's bright, he's good with tools, and most important, he has never once tried to teach me the Ways of the Jedi.

Kitty

Wait a minute. You like Randy, too?

Red

Well, I'm just saying. I don't hate him as much as I hate most people.

Kitty

Well you have said a lot of hurtful things, but this is the worst! (she walks away)

Red

Kitty?

Bob

She's crazy. This pineapple's delicious.