Steven Hyde quotes from That '70s Show

Hyde

This is one messed-up Christmas, man. You guys are all starting to look like elves.

Kelso

[laughing while taking off elf ears and hat] That must’ve freaked you out! [laughs again]

Eric

[watches Donna play with a Gyro Wheel] It’s gonna fall off.

Donna

It’s okay.

Eric

Oh my God, it—it is gonna fall off!

Donna

It’s okay!

Fez

Let me give you my recipe for holiday cheer. Take one slop and half a bottle of schnapps, then stir freely with Fez. It is a wonderful life.

Hyde

Jackie, what the hell where you thinking?

Jackie

Look, Steven, I know it's a crazy thing to do, its just ... I kno-I wanted to know what it was like to be planning a life and a wedding and everything, I mean, that's all I've ever wanted ... And I was starting to think it was never gonna happen with you.

Hyde

[puts hands by face] Are we back on this again [faces her] Why can't you just be happy with what we've got?

Jackie

BECAUSE I'M NOT!, [voice breaking] Steven ... okay, look, I need to know that we have a future together ... Can't you just give me some kind of sign or just a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe someday we'll get married?

Hyde

Jackie? I don't know.

Jackie

That's all you ever say. Please Steven, please just say anything besides I don't know. Anything else.

Hyde

I don't know...[looks down]

Jackie

Well then I can't be with you anymore.

Hyde

Jackie, don't threaten me, okay? It's not gonna work.

Jackie

I'm not threatening you, Steven, I can't waste anymore of my time on you if it's not gonna. happen for us ... Okay, well, at least now I know.

Kelso

The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that’s pointed at the White House. No, seriously. I read about it in a magazine.

Eric

Kelso, that was “The Flash,” and it is a comic book.

Fez

I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles. [pause] So, you see anything?

Hyde

Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you.

Kelso

[picks up the phone] No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it. Oh, operator, uh...give me the White House.

Eric

Kelso! ...I'm not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission.

Kelso

Oh, awesome! I'm on hold and they're playing that theme song to the President.

Eric

Hail to the Chief.

Kelso

Oh, thank you, Eric. But I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.

Eric

Good job disposing of all the evidence you guys.

Kelso

You better take this serious, Eric. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.

Fez

Yeah, there is a lot. Without all the smoke machines and lasers...this is just a punishment.

Hyde

Man, I never thought I'd say this...but I wish there were more people to share this with.

Hyde

This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all. ...I feel almost more suspicious than before!

Fez

I don't wanna get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I will get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!

Eric

Everybody just settle down. Okay...SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE ALL LOSING YOUR MINDS! WHO IS YELL—WHO IS YELLING?! We all...just need to...keep...calm. [hears someone knocking] THAT'S THE DOOR! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Hyde

Guys, we are making too many mistakes. We need to sit down, and figure this out!

Hyde

Okay, this is starting to feel like work, man. The feds have ruined the circle. The circle sucks. That's right, I said it.

Kelso

Hey. This circle is the only thing that's keeping us sharp! If it weren't for the circle, we'd have no idea that the feds were surrounding us, putting bugs everywhere, watching our every move! [whispering] So I say "Thank you," to the circle!

Eric

I just want everyone to know...[pulls out lightsaber] I'm prepared to fight my way outta here.

Red

Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?

Donna

Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.

Eric

Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.

Hyde

Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.

Red

For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?

Eric

No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.

Eric

Poor Donna. I think I hurt her pretty bad. Her neck’s stuck, just tilted over like this. But on the upside, it looks like she’s really interested in everything I have to say.

Fez

So, she’s got a bad neck. Quit whining. I’ve gone out with girls that don’t even have necks. [in high-pitched voice while tilting head up] “Hi, Fez!”

Kelso

One time, this girl whipped her head around to look at me ‘cause I’m hot, and her neck just snapped. And then, she collapsed into the jukebox.

Hyde

Kelso, that was the Fonz.

Kelso

Well, where do you think they got it from?

Hyde

Forman, forget being a chiropractor, man. The way I see it, you’re diligent, tidy, and detail-oriented. So I think you should become a professional… butt wiper.

Kelso

Come on, man, this is serious. Eric, you gotta start off slow. First, you should be an amateur butt wiper.

Fez

What’s wrong with you two? So rude. Eric, I think you should move to Paris. That way you can become a butt wipier.

Steven, I'm moving Angie to Milwaukee to get her away from the costumers. I love my little girl but you're the one who should be running that store, so [pats Hyde on shoulder] its yours. [returns to desk]

Hyde

Wow [walks forward, Jackie follows] Uh, thanks man.

Jackie

OH, MY GOD!! I OWN A RECORD STORE!!

Hyde

No, I own a record store.

Actually, I own a record store.

Jackie

I OWN ONE-THIRD OF A RECORD STORE!! [giggles]

Moving Angie here is gonna work out for everybody. See, I just got into this real snotty country club and they don't think I'm gonna be there much but I'm gonna be there all day everyday and I'm bringing friends so I need somebody around here looking after things...while I'm out making white people uncomfortable.

Kelso

There’s nothing like drinking beer straight from the tap! [burps] This must be why babies love breast-feeding!

Hyde

That reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb. It goes… something, something, something, crazy girlfriend. Something, something, drink the last beer.

Eric

[gargles beer] Hyde, I don’t think we’re gonna find the answer to our problems in a keg of beer. [pause] Unless they’re at the bottom, so drink up!

I’ve been in this warehouse a hundred times, and I never drank this. Now, I know why my grandmother’s an alcoholic! This feels great!

Fez

[after spraying beer straight into his mouth] …I’m gonna need a bigger mouth.

Hyde

I thought you left town.

Jackie

Why? Because you're so amazing and incredible that I simply couldn't exist in the same town as you knowing you couldn't make a commitment?

Hyde

No, because you wrote me a note saying that you left town.

Jackie

Oh.

Kelso

Want me to cover you up with the stinky blanket?

Hyde

Would you guys get lost?

Fez

Oh, you want your privacy. I understand. We're just gonna go upstairs and listen through the vent.

Hyde

So, what are you doing here, Jackie? You got something you wanna say to me?

Jackie

Yes, I wanted to say that I'm leaving for real this time.

Hyde

So, you came back to tell me that you're leaving again?

Jackie

Yes, but this is good-bye.

Hyde

Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Jackie

Steven, I'm serious.

Hyde

So, want to hang out next week?

Jackie

I'm going. [walks away, then turns around] Unless... Unless, Steven, there's something you'd like to say. In which case, I'm listening.

Hyde

Yeah. Have a good trip.

Jackie

I will.

Kelso

[shouting from outside] Can you guys stand closer to the vent and talk louder?

Eric

Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots. God, why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get yellow fever. I could use a little color.

Fez

You guys, this might be our last circle together. We're growing up. I mean, [Hyde and Kelso] have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and...I'm doing more shaving than ever.

Kelso

Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots, so I'm gonna be a pal and get 'em with you. 'Cause I owe you for that time I chucked that dead raccoon at you...and then, it turned out to not be dead. And then it bit you, and then you kicked it back at me, and then it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.

Hyde

Remember on the way to the hospital, Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car because he wanted to go pet it. But he forgot the car was moving and he broke his arm. It was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever!

Eric

Look at us. Best friends offering to help each other. You know, we always have to remember this moment. [Red walks in on the circle behind Eric; everyone except Eric stares at Red] What?

Red

Upstairs! NOW!

Eric

I am in huge... trouble. [laughs]

Hyde

Oh my God. What did I do?

Red

You married a Las Vegas stripper. Congratulations. With Eric gone, you’re the town dumbass.

Kelso

Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

Jackie

Oh, Michael, no!

Kelso

No?

Jackie

No!

Kelso

Jackie, you just made me the happiest man on earth! I cant believe I wanted to marry you! That was my worst idea ever! And I had some really bad ideas. I mean, a Firecracker Suit -- come on! What the hell was THAT?!?

Hyde

The best fourth of June ever, that's what.

Kelso

I can't believe it's our last circle before I go. Wait a minute... Oh! Now I get why we call it a circle! THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!

Jackie

You know, Michael, I will always remember you as the first boy who kissed me… and proposed to me, and told me that putting out makes your nails grow. I really believed you.

Donna

Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. You made me feel pretty. ...I am messed up.

Fez

Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso...[tears up] who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh, God!

Hyde

Man... Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me... watching you strapped to a homemade rocket, flailing around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Kelso

Well, guess this is goodbye. ...Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. [pause] Well, guess it's time to go. So... see ya.

Jackie

Bye, Michael.

Donna

Wow. He's really gone.

Fez

[holding back tears] My beautiful tormentor!

Hyde

This sucks.

Kelso

[runs back inside] I'm not leaving til tomorrow! [points at Fez] And you were crying! BURN!

Jackie

[entering the basement] So you guys-[screams] WHAT THE HELL IS THAT DOING HERE?!

Donna

We stole Fatso the Clown! And now we're gonna...uhm...what do we do with a stolen clown?

Hyde

[in starting a Circle] THIS is what we do with a stolen clown. Actually, this is what we do without a stolen clown. It always comes back to this.

[Randy providing voice] Hohohohohohohoho. Thanks for bringing me here you guys!

Randy

So Fatso, now that you're free, is there anything we can do for ya?

Huhuh yeah. Find me a really trashy clown-hooker with nice long legs and a pair of double D [honks horn].

Randy

I found this in the garage.

Fez

Oh Randy, you think you are so funny [sniggers] That was funny.

Jackie

Look at that freaky-ass clown. It's just staring at me...he doesn't even blink...

Donna

It's because he likes you. He loves you. He wants to marry you and then..KILL YOU! [Jackie screams loud]