[unaware that the gang, consisting of Donna, Hyde, Fez and Randy are attempting to 'kidnap' Fatso the Clown, the mascot for Fatso Burger, attempts to order from the drive through of the fast food joint] What's Cookin', Fatso?
[hiding behind the Fatso statue] Uhm... [in American accent] Welcome to Fatso burger.
I'll have a uh, big fatso combo with extra secret sauce.
Would you like apple pie with that?
And the extra large soda for 10 cents more?
Oh, And onion rings are free with all that.
So let me read that back. One big Fatso combo with extra sauce, an apple pie, extra large soda and one onion rings.
What? Then why did you take my order?
Thank you please drive away.
WELL WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!
[in regular accent] SEE YOU THERE LARD ASS! [Bob drives away angry as Randy, Donna and Hyde come out from hiding]
HydeThat was awesome. Bob just got into a fight with a ceramic clown.
Believe it or not it wasn't the first time.
[Red and Kitty try to sleep, but couldn't do it with Hyde and Samantha arguing at Laurie's room]
Hyde
Why the hell did you turn the TV on?!
SSam
To drown out your snoring!
Hyde
I was snoring to drown out your talking!
[gets up] Okay. I can't put up with those two fighting anymore. It's like living with a couple of Italians! [leaves room]
Oh yeah. We moved two fighting morons into an adjacent room and now we can't sleep. Who could have seen this coming...
[Kitty is enthusiastic that Red can finally stop taking heart pills]
Well that is wonderful news. Oh and you know what this means? We can bring back fried cheese friday!
It's not good news Kitty. I just bought a four month supply of heart pills I don't need now. That's 200 bucks down the crapper.
Hyde
Why don't you just sell 'em? You know, there's a seedy subculture that buys drugs for recreation... I saw one time on an after school special...
Well you can't sell drugs, it's illegal. And it should be, because people shouldn't have easy access to addictive substances that dull their senses...[takes a bottle of gin and a glass] I will be in the bath.
Hyde
You know man, you can sell those pills.
Hyde
Yes you can, you just have to find the right market.
Well who the hell is gonna want a bunch of heart pills?
[Red and Hyde visit the Viking Lodge, an old man's hangout]
Hyde
Anybody here take procardiacs? [Men raise their hands] The doctor is in!
[Jackie's been taking revenge on Fez for turning her down, and he has planned a counterstrike in their apartment's shower]
Hyde
Fez, if this is the ex-lax prank, I'd rather hear about it then see it.
No it's better. And she's turning the shower off.. she's getting out...look at herself in the mirror and... [Jackie screams, goes out of the shower with her hair dyed green]
Fez, you completely ruined my hair!
I had every right to destroy your car, you turned me down!
You turned me down like a million times and I never did anything!
Hyde
Actually I remember a lot of crying.
Yes I cried, because I have feelings, unlike you Jackie.
Oh, huhuh. I have feelings. And they told me to buy a bottle of spray paint and tell the whole world that you have a tiny-
IT'S NORMAL SIZED! Well you know what, I'm glad I turned you down, because you are a mean, bitter girl. And now, you're ugly on the outside like you are ugly on the inside.
Hyde
Holy crap man, cover your nipples!
I can't believe that's what you really think of me.
Fine. I'll just go pack up my things and get out of your life. [returns to her room]
Hyde
Damn man, that was harsh.
Yeah. Must have been my Jamaican fire.
Hyde
So...you're from Jamaica?
No, Jamaican Fire. It's my new cologne.
[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
I start college next week.
[long pause] So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long–
[tearfully] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [kisses Donna] So, uh... sounds like there's a party going on in there.
Yeah, there is. Your mom's, like, really drunk.
Oh, okay... Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for all that. I wish there was just some way to take the edge off...
[Cut to the final circle in the Formans' basement]
Edge, you are officially off.
Eric, I have the most incredible news. I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart!
Hyde
Yeah, Fez, I have some incredible news, too. So has everyone else.
I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie. She started out with me, the Ferrari. And then, she went to Hyde, the Mustang. And now, she's with Fez, who's like a... donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored, Mexican blankets.
Oh, hey, Kelso. I almost forgot. I got you something from Africa for your daughter. [holds up...] Check it out! A genuine... plastic rhino horn.
This is awesome! [holds rhino horn over his forehead] Look, guys, I'm a rhino! Ruff, ruff!
Hyde
Guys, I think it's time we honor all the brain cells that survived the '70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. Tonight... they're going down.
Die, brain cells, die! And you're next, liver. [takes a sip of beer]
Hyde
Hey... Did you guys hear about that car that runs on water? It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water, man!
It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here.
[Donna and Jackie enter the basement]
I knew you burnouts would be down here.
You guys, it's almost midnight. Mrs. Forman's pouring the champagne!
Hey, guys. Last one upstairs... has to call Red a dumbass!
[The gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso and makes him the last left behind.]
Oh, man. [wears the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs]
AAll
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
[The license plate at the end of the closing credits finally switches from '79 to '80]
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
