Poor Donna. I think I hurt her pretty bad. Her neck’s stuck, just tilted over like this. But on the upside, it looks like she’s really interested in everything I have to say.
So, she’s got a bad neck. Quit whining. I’ve gone out with girls that don’t even have necks. [in high-pitched voice while tilting head up] “Hi, Fez!”
KelsoOne time, this girl whipped her head around to look at me ‘cause I’m hot, and her neck just snapped. And then, she collapsed into the jukebox.
Kelso, that was the Fonz.
Kelso
Well, where do you think they got it from?
Forman, forget being a chiropractor, man. The way I see it, you’re diligent, tidy, and detail-oriented. So I think you should become a professional… butt wiper.
Kelso
Come on, man, this is serious. Eric, you gotta start off slow. First, you should be an amateur butt wiper.
What’s wrong with you two? So rude. Eric, I think you should move to Paris. That way you can become a butt wipier.
Kelso
There’s nothing like drinking beer straight from the tap! [burps] This must be why babies love breast-feeding!
That reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb. It goes… something, something, something, crazy girlfriend. Something, something, drink the last beer.
[gargles beer] Hyde, I don’t think we’re gonna find the answer to our problems in a keg of beer. [pause] Unless they’re at the bottom, so drink up!
CCharlie
I’ve been in this warehouse a hundred times, and I never drank this. Now, I know why my grandmother’s an alcoholic! This feels great!
[after spraying beer straight into his mouth] …I’m gonna need a bigger mouth.
Why? Because you're so amazing and incredible that I simply couldn't exist in the same town as you knowing you couldn't make a commitment?
No, because you wrote me a note saying that you left town.
Kelso
Want me to cover you up with the stinky blanket?
Oh, you want your privacy. I understand. We're just gonna go upstairs and listen through the vent.
[Hyde waits for Kelso and Fez to leave the basement]
So, what are you doing here, Jackie? You got something you wanna say to me?
Yes, I wanted to say that I'm leaving for real this time.
So, you came back to tell me that you're leaving again?
Yes, but this is good-bye.
Alright, I'll see you tomorrow, then.
So, want to hang out next week?
I'm going. [walks away, then turns around] Unless... Unless, Steven, there's something you'd like to say. In which case, I'm listening.
Kelso
[shouting from outside] Can you guys stand closer to the vent and talk louder?
Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots. God, why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get yellow fever. I could use a little color.
You guys, this might be our last circle together. We're growing up. I mean, [Hyde and Kelso] have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and...I'm doing more shaving than ever.
Kelso
Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots, so I'm gonna be a pal and get 'em with you. 'Cause I owe you for that time I chucked that dead raccoon at you...and then, it turned out to not be dead. And then it bit you, and then you kicked it back at me, and then it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.
Remember on the way to the hospital, Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car because he wanted to go pet it. But he forgot the car was moving and he broke his arm. It was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever!
Look at us. Best friends offering to help each other. You know, we always have to remember this moment. [Red walks in on the circle behind Eric; everyone except Eric stares at Red] What?
I am in huge... trouble. [laughs]
[Kelso, Fez, and Donna forgot to bring beer. Charlie gives them a six-pack]
Kelso
How much do we love this guy?
Charlie, it is so awesome hanging out with you.
CCharlie
Ah thanks guys, it feels so good to finally belong to something you know. It's like the first day of the rest of my life! [ leans against the railing, which breaks] WHOOHOO!
THE BEER! [gang looks down and hears a thud]
That was a pretty awkward landing...I hope he's okay.
Kelso
Of course he's okay. It's not like anyone ever died falling off the water tower.
[narrating to tape recorder, in kitchen]...And so they renamed it the Charlie Richardson Memorial Water Tower.
[The gang hosts one last circle with Kelso in the basement before he leaves Point Place]
Kelso
I can't believe it's our last circle before I go. Wait a minute... Oh! Now I get why we call it a circle! THAT IS FREAKING AWESOME!
You know, Michael, I will always remember you as the first boy who kissed me… and proposed to me, and told me that putting out makes your nails grow. I really believed you.
Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob. You made me feel pretty. ...I am messed up.
Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso...[tears up] who won't be here to do it anymore. Oh, God!
Man... Kelso, this is weird. I always imagined our last moment together would be me... watching you strapped to a homemade rocket, flailing around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"
Kelso
Well, guess this is goodbye. ...Man, I'm gonna miss this. Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life. And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever. [pause] Well, guess it's time to go. So... see ya.
[Kelso gets up and leaves the basement]
[holding back tears] My beautiful tormentor!
Kelso
[runs back inside] I'm not leaving til tomorrow! [points at Fez] And you were crying! BURN!
[Donna waits for Eric on the Vista Cruiser, reminiscing about their relationship.]
Sorry I'm late. Caught the last flight out. So... awkward! [both of them laugh] So, how are you?
I start college next week.
[long pause] So, what, you just came back here for New Year's Eve?
Look Donna, when I left, I was so positive that I was doing the right thing, but now I've been gone so long–
[tearfully] Eric, things are a lot different now.
Yeah, it's just... Donna, I thought about you, like, every day. And you know what? It turns out that Red was right. I am a dumbass. [pause] Donna, I'm sorry. [kisses Donna] So, uh... sounds like there's a party going on in there.
Yeah, there is. Your mom's, like, really drunk.
Oh, okay... Yeah, I don't know if I'm ready for all that. I wish there was just some way to take the edge off...
[Cut to the final circle in the Formans' basement]
Edge, you are officially off.
Eric, I have the most incredible news. I have kissed Jacqueline Burkhart!
Yeah, Fez, I have some incredible news, too. So has everyone else.
Kelso
I think it makes total sense that Fez ended up with Jackie. She started out with me, the Ferrari. And then, she went to Hyde, the Mustang. And now, she's with Fez, who's like a... donkey pulling a cart full of brightly colored, Mexican blankets.
Oh, hey, Kelso. I almost forgot. I got you something from Africa for your daughter. [holds up...] Check it out! A genuine... plastic rhino horn.
Kelso
This is awesome! [holds rhino horn over his forehead] Look, guys, I'm a rhino! Ruff, ruff!
Guys, I think it's time we honor all the brain cells that survived the '70s. Despite our best efforts, some of those bastards pulled through. Tonight... they're going down.
Die, brain cells, die! And you're next, liver. [takes a sip of beer]
Hey... Did you guys hear about that car that runs on water? It's got a fiberglass, air-cooled engine, and it runs on water, man!
Kelso
It's like we never run out of things to talk about down here.
[Donna and Jackie enter the basement]
I knew you burnouts would be down here.
You guys, it's almost midnight. Mrs. Forman's pouring the champagne!
Hey, guys. Last one upstairs... has to call Red a dumbass!
[The gang rushes upstairs. Hyde grabs Kelso and makes him the last left behind.]
Kelso
Oh, man. [wears the "Stupid Helmet" and goes upstairs]
AAll
10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
[The license plate at the end of the closing credits finally switches from '79 to '80]
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
