Eric Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Hyde

This is one messed-up Christmas, man. You guys are all starting to look like elves.

Kelso

[laughing while taking off elf ears and hat] That must’ve freaked you out! [laughs again]

Eric

[watches Donna play with a Gyro Wheel] It’s gonna fall off.

Donna

It’s okay.

Eric

Oh my God, it—it is gonna fall off!

Donna

It’s okay!

Fez

Let me give you my recipe for holiday cheer. Take one slop and half a bottle of schnapps, then stir freely with Fez. It is a wonderful life.

Kelso

The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off that Russian death ray that’s pointed at the White House. No, seriously. I read about it in a magazine.

Eric

Kelso, that was “The Flash,” and it is a comic book.

Fez

I love comic books. I wish I had thought bubbles. [pause] So, you see anything?

Hyde

Kelso, the Russians don't have a death ray. But they do have a stupid ray, and it's pointed directly at you.

Kelso

[picks up the phone] No, the Russians do have a death ray, and I'll prove it. Oh, operator, uh...give me the White House.

Eric

Kelso! ...I'm not allowed to make long-distance calls without permission.

Kelso

Oh, awesome! I'm on hold and they're playing that theme song to the President.

Eric

Hail to the Chief.

Kelso

Oh, thank you, Eric. But I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song.

Eric

Good job disposing of all the evidence you guys.

Kelso

You better take this serious, Eric. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of, even more than we had at the Pink Floyd concert.

Fez

Yeah, there is a lot. Without all the smoke machines and lasers...this is just a punishment.

Hyde

Man, I never thought I'd say this...but I wish there were more people to share this with.

Hyde

This is our third circle and it hasn't calmed me down at all. ...I feel almost more suspicious than before!

Fez

I don't wanna get sent back to my home country. If I return in shame, I will get stoned! And then, they'll throw rocks at me!

Eric

Everybody just settle down. Okay...SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE ALL LOSING YOUR MINDS! WHO IS YELL—WHO IS YELLING?! We all...just need to...keep...calm. [hears someone knocking] THAT'S THE DOOR! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!

Hyde

Guys, we are making too many mistakes. We need to sit down, and figure this out!

Hyde

Okay, this is starting to feel like work, man. The feds have ruined the circle. The circle sucks. That's right, I said it.

Kelso

Hey. This circle is the only thing that's keeping us sharp! If it weren't for the circle, we'd have no idea that the feds were surrounding us, putting bugs everywhere, watching our every move! [whispering] So I say "Thank you," to the circle!

Eric

I just want everyone to know...[pulls out lightsaber] I'm prepared to fight my way outta here.

Red

Eric, how the hell can you wear a Bears jersey at a Packer game?

Donna

Okay, maybe he doesn't understand why it's wrong. Let me tell you in a way how you can understand. The Packers are like the Jedi, and you're wearing a Go Darth Vader jersey.

Eric

Uh, that's ridiculous. The Jedi don't play football. They play manu-Ka.

Hyde

Forman, this is worse than when you wore the Air Supply t-shirt to the Aerosmith concert.

Red

For God sakes, will you just take the damn jersey off?

Eric

No. You know what? I like rooting for the underdog, okay? I am the underdog in real life. I like Charlie Brown. I like the little engine that could. I like the Bears.

Unlike some people I care about this radio station, plus I just love wearing a bikini, when I put one on I jiggle just like jelly!

Eric

Well she jiggles like two perfectly filled water-ballons, but I'm afraid you'll never get to see them, or touch them, or make a motor-boat sound with your mouth between them because she is a LADY!!!

Red

Have you been in bed all day?

Eric

Yeah, I have. I've been reading the Jack Kerouac classic On The Road. See, as I see it, why get out of bed when you can read about people who got outta bed?

Red

You have got to be the laziest non-Communist I've ever met. And you are about to read a book that my foot wrote. It's called On The Road To In Your Ass.

Eric

I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money. You know if we don't do something, this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers. You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants. Man, women, animal-they don't care as long as it's warm [drinks]

Leo

Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner. [at Circle in storeroom] That was a good idea...now how are we gonna pay for dinner?

[smiling] I think this pretty much covers your tab, but if you're interested, dessert's on me. [clicks tongue]

Leo

In that case [laughs] you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.

Eric

You see? What an awesome night. I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress...who are now making out...wow, the fact that I'm here is ... not slowing them down at all ... [laughs but is disgusted at what the waitress just did] good, God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand!

Eric

Poor Donna. I think I hurt her pretty bad. Her neck’s stuck, just tilted over like this. But on the upside, it looks like she’s really interested in everything I have to say.

Fez

So, she’s got a bad neck. Quit whining. I’ve gone out with girls that don’t even have necks. [in high-pitched voice while tilting head up] “Hi, Fez!”

Kelso

One time, this girl whipped her head around to look at me ‘cause I’m hot, and her neck just snapped. And then, she collapsed into the jukebox.

Hyde

Kelso, that was the Fonz.

Kelso

Well, where do you think they got it from?

Hyde

Forman, forget being a chiropractor, man. The way I see it, you’re diligent, tidy, and detail-oriented. So I think you should become a professional… butt wiper.

Kelso

Come on, man, this is serious. Eric, you gotta start off slow. First, you should be an amateur butt wiper.

Fez

What’s wrong with you two? So rude. Eric, I think you should move to Paris. That way you can become a butt wipier.

Eric

Dad, passing P.E. is all that’s standing between me and the rest of my life.

Red

You’re lucky this table is standing between my foot and your ass!

Eric

Okay, there's this program, where you teach impoverished children for a year, and they pay for your college! I signed up!

Donna

Eric that's perfect!

Kitty

That's wonderful!

Red

See, I knew spending your college money would work out for the best. [smiles] You're welcome.

Kitty

So, what impoverished area will you go to? [gasps] Is it east Milwaukee? [looks at Red for a second] I made a wrong turn there once and I ended up in an awful neighborhood...there were kids playing radios on a street corner. [Red shakes his head]

Eric

[smiling] No, I'm not going to Milwaukee.

Donna

So, where then?

Eric

Africa!

Kitty

Africa, Wisconsin?

Kelso

There’s nothing like drinking beer straight from the tap! [burps] This must be why babies love breast-feeding!

Hyde

That reminds me of an ancient Chinese proverb. It goes… something, something, something, crazy girlfriend. Something, something, drink the last beer.

Eric

[gargles beer] Hyde, I don’t think we’re gonna find the answer to our problems in a keg of beer. [pause] Unless they’re at the bottom, so drink up!

I’ve been in this warehouse a hundred times, and I never drank this. Now, I know why my grandmother’s an alcoholic! This feels great!

Fez

[after spraying beer straight into his mouth] …I’m gonna need a bigger mouth.

Eric

So I gotta go over to Donna's and get my going-away present. Man, she is, like, the world's worst gift giver. Remember that ugly sweater vest and that huge man ring? Now, I gotta go get excited about some other lame thing. "Oh, wow, Donna, clown shoes. Thank you so much."

Fez

I wish I had a beautiful girl give me clown shoes. Hell, I'd settle for a beautiful clown giving me girl shoes.

Kelso

I dated a clown once. But as soon as I learned how to make those balloon animals, I dumped her.

Eric

Hello?

Jackie

Hey, Eric? It's Jackie.

Eric

Uh-huh.

Jackie

Look, I just realized you're about to leave for Africa, and I won't get a chance to say good-bye in person. That makes me sad. I mean, you've always been very special to me.

Eric

Okay, Jackie, if there's a gun to your head, say the word cream cheese.

Jackie

No, Eric, I'm just gonna miss you is all, okay? So just take care of yourself in Africa.

Eric

Okay. I will. Wait, you want to talk to who? You want to tell him you love him? Well, I don't know. You guys didn't really leave on the best of terms. Okay. Dad, telephone!

Eric

Crap, it's almost time for me to go get my shots. God, why do I have to get shots anyway? So I get yellow fever. I could use a little color.

Fez

You guys, this might be our last circle together. We're growing up. I mean, [Hyde and Kelso] have jobs, and Eric is off to start his life, and...I'm doing more shaving than ever.

Kelso

Eric, I know you're scared of getting your shots, so I'm gonna be a pal and get 'em with you. 'Cause I owe you for that time I chucked that dead raccoon at you...and then, it turned out to not be dead. And then it bit you, and then you kicked it back at me, and then it bit me, and then we both had to go and get rabies shots.

Hyde

Remember on the way to the hospital, Kelso saw that dog, and he jumped out of the car because he wanted to go pet it. But he forgot the car was moving and he broke his arm. It was the funniest, bloodiest, most rabies-filled day ever!

Eric

Look at us. Best friends offering to help each other. You know, we always have to remember this moment. [Red walks in on the circle behind Eric; everyone except Eric stares at Red] What?

Red

Upstairs! NOW!

Eric

I am in huge... trouble. [laughs]