[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]
PDPastor Dan
Okay, what did you want to tell me?
EricWell, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Eric
Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
PDPastor Dan
Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Wow. I never thought about it that way.
PDPastor Dan
Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Eric
Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
PDPastor Dan
Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]
[Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are jealous of Bob dating Pam]
I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
Eric
I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
But why wouldn't you lock the door?
How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Eric
Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
[Everyone plays Truth or Dare against each other in pairs; Donna is with Eric, Kelso is with Fez, and Hyde is with Jackie, leaving Mitch by himself]
Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.
Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?
You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.
Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!
Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!
Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."
[Mitch gets up and kisses Donna in front of Eric]
Eric
WHAT THE HELL?!
Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!
[holding a Darth Vader action figure] Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your little doll?
Eric
ACTION FIGURE! [looks at the action figure] Oh, no.
In the tub, Forman? It's getting really hard to be your friend.
[Hyde leaves the breakfast table with Kelso]
[Kelso pretends to interrogate Eric]
Alright, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name, what did you do on the day of yesterday?
Eric
You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!
[Kelso takes Eric's X-Wing model and smashes it against the table]
Eric
KELSO, WHAT THE HELL?!
Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop. That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you. Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?
Eric
I came home from the restaurant, and spent six hours building that model!
Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?
Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...
Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?
Donna, I'm asking the question here. Was that the girl from the movies?
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Eric
Kelso, will you shut up?!
Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?!
Eric
[pushes Kelso's face away] Look, Donna maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
Wait. You got other girls besides Donna to go out with you? What is this obsession with the underdog?
So the other day at the movies you lied to me?
Donna, I'm the senior officer here. So the other day at the movies you lied to me.
Eric
No! You know, I mean... it was the movies, you know. It's... it's all make-believe.
Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: Anger at your scrawny ass!
Eric
No!
Well, good job, Michael. You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one: Donna having sex with Eric.
[to Eric] You have the right to remain BUUURRRRRNNN!
[Kelso and Hyde make fun of Eric and Donna making up]
Eric
You know, I never stopped loving you.
Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either. [takes Hyde's hand in his]
[pretends to tear up] Don't. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!
You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed!
Forman, your bachelor party's tonight. We're going to a strip club, so don't forget your inhaler.
Eric
Come on, Hyde. I don't need a silly bachelor party.
Oh, come on, man. It'll be one last night of the finest debauchery that Point Place has to offer.
Eric
Hyde, all I need is my sweetie here for the rest of my life.
It's alright, Eric. You can go.
Eric
Alright! I'm gonna see nudies!
[walks into the kitchen] Oh, Eric, you're not going to one of those hoochie mama shows, are you?
Don't worry, Mrs. Forman. I'll return your son in the same slightly girly condition that he leaves in.
Eric
Guys... I have to tell you about this dream I had.
No. Eric, I can't hear another one of your lame dreams. "Guys, I dreamt I was purple and I could fly and Luke Skywalker was my lab partner."
Eric
No. It was about Donna. Okay, it was five years in the future.
Five years in the future? Did you see Jackie? How's she holdin' up? Do I need to get out now?
Eric
Hyde, in my dream, Donna gave up her life plans to be with me. And she was so miserable, she left me.
That's it? I took my feet off the table and turned slightly to the left for that?
Eric
Look, you guys, what if I really am holding Donna back.. and she just doesn't realize it yet? I feel like I could be ruining both of our lives.
Eric, relax, okay? It's just a stress dream, 'cause you're gettin' married tomorrow. Now I had a dream last night that's worth telling. Okay, Donna was in a wet t-shirt contest [begins to visualize scene but stops it] No, I can't. Forget it. It's too dirty.
So who's gonna be your best man?
Eric
Oh, you know what? Why don't you guys just decide who my best man is?
Whoa, you want us to choose? Well, if that's not an invitation to dress a dog up in a tuxedo, I don't know what it is.
All right. If anyone should be the best man, it's me. I'm gonna be a father, so I really need the money.
You don't get paid to be the best man. You do it for the satisfaction of nailing the hottest bridesmaid. It's in the bible.
Well, I can't do that, 'cause I'm bringin' Brooke. Yeah, we're getting pretty serious. Girls, man... you get 'em pregnant, they get all clingy.
Eric
I can't believe Red bought the muffler shop. Alright, that's it. New Eric's out, Old Eric's back. I should probably just go upstairs and think about what I've done.
Oh, come on. You can't turn back now. You're like an explorer discovering a new you. When Columbus discovered America instead of the West Indies, did he go to his room? No. He waded into Mexico and stole all of their gold.
Eric
Okay, I'm not following.
I think it's hot when you do naughty stuff and I want you to keep doing it.
Eric
You know what? It is hot. I'm not gonna let Red bully me out of it. I mean, how often was I hot before? Almost never, right?! But now, I am hot, and hot, I will stay. Let's celebrate.
(gasps) One of Red's beers?
Eric
There's a new sheriff in town, little lady.
Well, if it isn't my son, the vandal. You know I ought to vandalize your ass with my foot.
Eric
Look, I said I was sorry and I fixed up the shop. Come on Dad, aren't we- aren't we getting a little old for this whole dance? I mean, here we are, shaking our booties and I mean, disco's dead.
You're not taking dance lessons again, are you?
Eric
No, I'm saying, here's what's gonna happen. You're gonna accept my apology, man to man, and then sit down with me and my girl here, and enjoy this beer.
No, here's what's gonna happen. You are gonna put down that beer and go to your room.
Eric
Or, here's what's gonna happen. I am going to go to my room. But first, I'm gonna chug this beer.
Eric
Okay, that's really fizzy. But I think I made my point. Now you put some saran wrap on that, and I will finish it later.
[Red talks to Kitty over her reading The Joy of Sex]
Kitty, we don't need The Joy Of Sex.
Well, why not? It's not dirty. This book...it doesn't even have photographs, just sketches.
But they're so detailed. They draw in every single part. And it's not to scale.
[browses book] Oh, here's a fun idea. Ahahaha! Okay. Instead of throwing away our old dish towels, we can use them as blindfolds and play a sexy bedroom version of Marco Polo. Ahahahaha! Oh, come on. Don't you want to be one of those fun, older couples?
Kitty, I want us to grow old and withdraw into ourselves.
Eric
[enters kitchen] Hey, what's for lunch?
Well, I was thinking of making something, but that would mean I would have to look at a cookbook, and I don't like to learn new things from books.
Eric
Yeah, so is lunch off or, uhm... I mean, what's the lay of the lunch land here?
I don't see why I have to read a book on bodily functions. I've never read a book on eating, yet I'm extremely well fed.
Eric
But I'm not. Could I, like... seriously, like a sandwich or...
Well, you know what? Nobody is eating unless you give this book a try. Until then I quit cooking! [leaves]
Eric
[to Red] - I can't believe that I'm saying that, but please make kinky sex with my mother!
Eric
Hey, guys. Just to jump off topic here for a sec… When you’re dancing to… say, like, Donna Summer, do you ever wish you were on wheels?
Forman, so many parts of what you just said make me want to kick your ass.
Eric, you know what your problem is? I’m too good-looking.
Eric
Hey, Hyde, remember how you kept bringing it up, when Kelso nailed my sister. I never understood why, but now I get it. It's fun! So guess what -- Kelso nailed your sister! Oh, and another thing... Kelso nailed your sister.
Shut up, you little twizzler!
Eric
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Kelso nailed your sister!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
