SquidwardWell, now that you completely ruined my day, once again, I'm going back to bed.
Squidward
Idiot. [opens his door filled with photos by SpongeBob] What the...?! [sees a picture of Pete] SpongeBob, why is my house filled with photos of your dumb junk?
Oh, I forgot to tell you, I took so many pictures I ran out of room in my house. [opens the door filled with photos and Patrick appears sliding with photos]
Squidward
[getting very angry; turns red angrily] IT'S A NIGHTSHIRT!
Here's your Krabby Patty! [puts his Krabby Patty on the table and holds up his tray] Shall I put it on your tab?
Oh, yeah. Keep it open. We might be here all night! Let me just say up front, I'm a fan! I'm excited to learn from a master. My career in self-worth are in your hands! Let us writing on this. Okay... advise!
Squidward
[sighs and gets up] Why don't you just concentrate on your patty? [leaves]
[looks at his patty] Of course, it's so obvious now! How did I not see it earlier? Squidward's a genius! I know now what I must do! [reaches in his pocket for googly eyes and puts them on the patty, admiring his masterpiece.]
FNFrederick Nitpick
[pops out of the ketchup bottle] Brilliant! [hands Patrick a bag full of money] I've never seen such an example of raw creativity! This will turn the art world on its head! I hereby declare this the next big thing! [echoes. The customers swarm the Krusty Krab and hold up their money]
You did it, Patrick! You found your inspiration!
[holds up his money bag] And I'm going to need some more of those patty thingies!
You got it, buddy! [jumps into the kitchen and flips some patties, which fly out to Patrick. Patrick decorates a patty and gives it to Tom, who gives him another money bag]
Huh? [hears cha-ching] Ooh, money! Money, money, money, money, money, money, money! [opens the cash register and notices it's empty, then gasps] What the? [gasps again and notices customers giving money to Patrick and SpongeBob giving him patties] SpongeBob! [grabs SpongeBob] Patrick! [grabs Patrick and pulls both of them into his office] What's the meaning of this?
It's my art. Uh, I buy Krabby Patties for $3 and I..I sell them for $50. [Mr. Krabs gets mad with a growling animal sound. SpongeBob and Patrick get worried and cry]
Squidward
Ha and ha!
Why is he so mad, Squidward? I was just following your advice!
What?! [to Squidward, angrily] It was your idea, huh?!
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob bringing more patties out.]
Here's a whole new batch of Krabby Patty canvases.
Great, SpongeBob! [to Incidental 41] That'll be fifty bucks!
I4Incidental 41
[hands Mr. Krabs money] It's so inexpensive!
And here's your patty! One more art patty, Mr. Star!
I4Incidental 41
It's such an honor to meet you!
[takes the patty] I can only imagine! Apprentice! [turns to Squidward] Make another of my masterpieces, good man. [Squidward grabs the patty and squirts glue on the top bun] If you work real hard, you may be an artist too someday! [Squidward growls at Patrick. Patrick looks at the patty.] Mm, probably not. Needs more glitter. [Squidward breaks down bawling, ending the episode]
[SpongeBob is mopping the Krusty Krab floor when Squidward arrives]
Squidward
Oh, SpongeBob, I got a present for you.
[gives a big smile with twinkling eyes] A present? For me?
Squidward
Now, now. Calm down. I've should've given this to you a long time ago. [knocks SpongeBob down and gives him the piece of paper]
Wow, Squidward! My very own restraining order. Uh...what is that? [looks at the restraining order stating that he is not allowed to be within 15 feet of Squidward]
Squidward
Perhaps my lawyers should explain. [points over to his lawyers Harry, Combover, and Bald]
Squidward
What?
Squidward
No.
Squidward
: No.
Squidward
No.
Squidward
No.
Squidward
No.
Squidward
[gets fed up with Patrick begging] No! No! No! No! [growls, Patrick continues to follow him] Go away, Patrick! Go away, Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! [washes hands and Patrick appears in the mirror] Patrick! [Patrick touches his Krusty Krab employee hat] Patrick! [pushes a button on the cash register and Patrick appears] Patrick! [starts walking with Patrick closely following him behind] Patrick! [using the restroom with Patrick beside him] Patrick! [starts sweating and shivering with Mr. Krabs now beside him]
Mr. Squidward? [Squidward screams] Time for your break. [walks off]
Squidward
Ah... don't mind if I do. [sits down] Ah...no better way to spend a break than with a little cool jazz. [takes out the box that holds his clarinet and tries to play it but it isn't there] Huh?
[comes out of the restroom] Hi Squidward!
Squidward
Hello... you...
I just finished cleaning the restroom!
Squidward
[sarcastically] Ooh... that's great...
I mopped the floors! I shined the mirrors! I scrubbed the sinks.
Squidward
[sarcastically] Wonderful.
Oh yeah! [takes out Squidward's clarinet that is soaking wet] But we are going to need a new toilet plunger. This one's broken.
Squidward
Patrick! [takes back the clarinet and growls at Patrick which Mr. Krabs appears to see what is happening]
Nice work, Patrick! Break time's over, Mr. Squidward.
[It was night time at Le Chm Bucket with a huge line. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob enters the restaurant disguised as rich noblemen in tuxedos]
Oohh! Just act like another fancy customer.
Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs covers SpongeBob mouth]
Shh! [stammering] What's gotten into you? Highfalutin customers don't bark at the top of their lungs like a seadog.
Oops, uh... I mean, I fancy a bit of the old chum. Indeed I do, Squire.
Good evening, Madam. Table for two, please?
I be Eugene....er.... I mean, uh, [looks at the used ketchup wrapper on the floor] Sir Krumple O'Wrapper. Uh, that's me name. Don't wear it out.
Alright, let's pull up your reservation. [looks through the reservation sheet] Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I'm not showing any "O'Wrapper."
Reservation? In this sinkhole?!
There's a two-year wait for a table.
Squidward
[walks over to Karen; annoyed] What's seems to be the problem? [much to his surprise, he notices Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob on their mustache disguises and doesn't buy it] Well, well, well, [blows Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob's disguises off their faces with a fan] if it isn't Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob. Now just follow me. I believe I have a table reserved just for you. [the 'table' that Squidward 'reserved' for Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob turns out to be a toilet. It turns out that Squidward just wanted to get his revenge on Mr. Krabs for not valuing him and SpongeBob for all those times he annoyed him. Squidward puts a tablecloth on the toilet] Bon Appetit, Suckers! [laughs at them as he walks away. Soon, everyone joins in the humiliation by laughing at Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob as they leave the restaurant in sadness and humiliation] See you in two years! [laughs and scoffs at them]
Yeah, see how you like it, Krabs! [laughs along with Squidward as Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob leave]
[Meanwhile, the line keeps getting longer and longer and Squidward continues to serve his Chum Fricassee to his customers and fans]
Squidward
Here you go, folks. Enjoy my world famous Fricassee. [All of a sudden, someone bursts through the front door which turns out to be Squidward's grandmother and she's not very happy] Grandma!?
TGrandma Tentacles
[enters the restaurant and corners her grandson by the kitchen doors] Someone's been cooking my recipe, [sniffs] and they're doing it wrong!
Squidward
What are you doing here?
TGrandma Tentacles
Saving my recipe from my bumbling grandson. [crushes Squidward's foot with her walker]
Squidward
Ow! I didn't do it! Uh, uh, it was him! [points to Plankton]
[Plankton is seen exiting the kitchen with the plate of chum and hears what Squidward said about him, becomes furious. He throws the plate of chums in rage and pins the blame back on Squidward.]
What?! Oh, you're not pinning this on me! You said you didn't care if it was ready or not!
Squidward
[fearfully] Ok, I admit it! I admit it! But—but—but what's the big deal? [Grandma Tentacles crushes his foot with her walker for second time] Ow!
TGrandma Tentacles
The big deal is when the chum is not cooked for exactly 24 hours, it causes severe tummy trouble.
[Listening to Grandma Tentacles, customers form a mob. The customers are enraged by what they're hearing to Grandma Tentacles.]
MFMale Fish
You fed us undercooked chum?!
TGrandma Tentacles
Tear him apart, people! [The fancy customers form a mob and start to attack Squidward and Plankton. They do an uproar, following what his grandmother says.]
I've had it, and I'm not gonna take it anymore! [Fred picks up a trash can, then throws it on a table. Other customers throw their chum meals on the ground and on the wall of the Chum Bucket. Another customer rips apart of an awning. Frank grabs a napkin holder, throwing napkins on the floor. Plankton pops up near the napkins.]
Not the napkins! [Frank doesn't listen to Plankton.]
AMAngry Mob
[An axe chops Squidward's picture in half.] He got what he deserves, that's what I say! [Else where in the exterior of Le Chum Bucket, it bursts into flames caused by the mob. As the restaurant is on fire, the customers run out of the bucket building.] It's on fire! It's all burning! Run! [the fire incinerates the restaurant, leaving only Plankton and Squidward standing with charred faces]
My restaurant! [begins crying]
Squidward
My fan base! [Squidward also starts sobbing]
TGrandma Tentacles
I hope you learned your lesson, genius. [crushes Squidward's foot with her walker for third time as a punishment for his selfishness and wrongful acts]
Squidward
Ow! [cries along with Plankton in despair]
[cuts to the Krusty Krab] Gee, Mr. Krabs. It sure was nice of you to hire Squidward back. Especially since he tried to destroy your business and all.
I figure it's the least I can do for him. After causing all that mayhem over at the Chum Bucket, in fact, I promoted him. He's our new doormat!
Squidward
No! [laying on the floor like a doormat as punishment for their humiliation] Living the dream! [Moaning and groaning, some customers who destroyed the Chum Bucket wipe their feet on Squidward and the episode ends.]
[voiceover] Dear diary, what an amazing day I've had! This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. Specifically, what not to feed them. The list was very thorough. Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intended those words are. Knowing I have the tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. And I hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year: cleaning day! Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. Ah yes, cleaning day.
Squidward
Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.
MMorty
Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary, local fry cook devastated. [holding up a newspaper]
Squidward
Oh, boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. [a cover of paper shows a sad photo of SpongeBob. There is writing that says "Local Fry Cook Devastated." Squidward laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Citizens stare at him scornfully] Taxi! [waving as a taxi car with the model of the boat screeches its tires approaching him]
DDriver
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader.
Squidward
Yes, I am. [taxi drives away in an angry attitude after hearing Squidward's revelation. The tires squeal, Squidward coughs in the exhaust. Then he continues walking]
AMAbigail Marge
Diary thief!
[from outside a house window] Secret stealer!
NNorma
Billy, stay away from that mean, old diary reader.
Squidward
Idiots. [The scene changes to outside of SpongeBob's, Patrick's, and Squidward's houses, with Squidward at his front door. It opens, revealing Quincy]
QQuincy
Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. [holds up loan papers] We are repossessing your house.
Squidward
[coughs] What?!
QQuincy
Take it away, boys! [Squidward's house is lifted away with a crane.]
Hi, Squidward. How's it going?
Squidward
SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me.
Squidward
For reading your diary.
Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published! It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you! Besides, you only read my work diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary! Now, that would have been really embarrassing...
Squidward
Nothing ever happens in this dump...
Squidward
Why did I say that?
Squidward
[pulls down the curtain on the window but then hears the phone ring and answers it] Krusty Krab.
Squidward
[comes into the kitchen to see what's going on] What?!
[SpongeBob is running all around the place, Squidward grabs SpongeBob and slams him down]
Squidward
What are you screaming about?!
[jumps on Squidward's head] Sea urchin! Geh...
[Squidward notices the urchin on his foot and he and SpongeBob jump onto the grill with the urchin crawling around on the walls]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
[screaming] Mr. Krabs!
[enters] What's all the ruckus?!
There's an urchin in the kitchen!
What are you talking about? The Krusty Krab is a standard in fast food cleanliness. An urchin wouldn't dare step spine in this establishment. [holds up his claw and notices the urchin on him and screams. The urchin jumps off his tongue and then he jumps onto the grill with SpongeBob and Squidward. The urchin continues to crawl around making strange noises. The grill then starts to smoke] The grill is still on... isn't it?
SSSpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs
[scream and jump into bathroom stalls, and into the toilets] Ah...
Squidward
Heh heh heh... What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! [walks down further into the alley] This time!
MMan
Hey! You! [starts walking toward Squidward]
Squidward
Let me give him a taste! A mere morsel of what's in store! [karate chops] Hi-yah! [kicks] Hi-yah! [flips] Hi-yah! That one was called Washing Sandy's Windows! [the man walks closer] Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! [the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily] Okay buddy, I warned ya! [near a trash can] I like to call this one Taking Out Sandy's Trash! Hi-yah! [kicks the trash can toward the man]
MMan
What? [gets hit on the head by the trash can] Ow!
Squidward
[laughs] How do you like them apples? Wah! [punches a crate at the man]
Squidward
[holding two wooden planks] Hah! Feel my wrath! [throws them] How's your uncle?!
MMan
[gets hit on the head by one of the planks] Ow! [the other hits him on the stomach] Ow!
Squidward
And as my finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! He-yah! [spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Then pushes it off of him]
MMan
Oh... hey, man! Wha-what was that for? [holding Squidward's groceries] I was just trying to give you back your groceries you dropped!
Squidward
[takes the groceries] Uh, oh.
Sandy! I found him! He's over here! [holding the belt] You forgot your belt silly! [looks at the man and gasps]
Gosh! What happened to you?
This guy's been... ka-rah-tayed!
After all I said about never using karate for revenge?
For shame, Squidward. For shame.
Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. [takes the belt] Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. [walks off with SpongeBob]
Squidward
Whatever! I'm still a karate master!
Wow, really? You are? [walks Squidward to the police car]
Squidward
Yes I am!
Hey watch your head. [Squidward gets into the police car. Then John gets into it] Oh, I'd never guess it.
Squidward
And what is that supposed to mean?
Oh, uh... nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doughiness in the midsection...
Squidward
Okay, already! I get it! [notices the handcuffs on him] What? Wait a second. Am I under arrest?
You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent... [Squidward screams loudly] ...or not silent. [drives off as the episode ends]
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
