Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

I'm not seeing anything there.

Yeah, looks like a lot of junk.

Squidward

What do you mean you're not seeing anything? There's three in a row right here! Tic-Tac-Toe!

[Squidward starts to get irritated.]

Easy, friend.

Yeah, relax, Squidward, we're just here to have fun.

S6 E25 Pineapple Fever

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Squidward

Patrick, just how dumb are you?

It varies.

S7 Tentacle-Vision

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Squidward

[upon seeing SpongeBob dancing] That is the stupidest dance I've ever seen.

[to Squidward] Who put you on the planet? Ugh!!

S7 I Heart Dancing

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Squidward

[opens his front door from his house and breathes in and out happily] Another beautiful Sunday in Bikini Bottom. Nothing can ruin my good mood today! [closes the door and starts walking happily]

[looks out of his window, rushes downstairs, and opens his own front door] Good morning, Squidward!

Squidward

[walks by] Ignoring, ignoring! La la dum. La la dee. La la doo. [cha chas down the street until he steps on a gum] Wah! [hits the head on the ground] Chewing gum!? That's disgusting! [pulls his foot away but the gum stays on his foot] Oh, come on! [tries pulling it off with his hand but it gets stuck, then tries both of his hands but they get stuck, then he pulls harder but his head gets stuck. Then uses head and hands but gets even more stuck. He struggles but he gets completely covered in gum. He then screams angrily, blowing a bubble that bursts the gum and Squidward gets covered in gum. Tries to get it off again and it turns into a bow-tie and he gets it off] People who litter really bug me! [throws it away. Laughs] Litterbugs. [laughing] Litterbugs! [continues laughing]

S7 Keep Bikini Bottom Beautiful

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Squidward

Order up, SpongeBob! [walks to SpongeBob]

Squidward

SpongeBob, what do you think you're doing? You're supposed to be fry cooking. I told you not to touch my stuff!

I didn't! I wore protective gloves! And besides, don't you like how classy it look now?

Squidward

Velvet..

Now I'd like to stand by and idly chat with you, Squidward, But I must attend to my Krusty Krab duties! In the future, please keep your interruptions to a minimum sir, please!

S7 Squidward in Clarinetland

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Squidward

Hey, come back! I need my clarinet! Come back! Where are you? [bumps into an eagle's head]

EEagle

I am the keeper of the horned forest, state your business here.

Squidward

Uh, I'm trying to find my clarinet.

EEagle

Your clarinet?

Squidward

Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.

EEagle

[laughs] A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?

Squidward

You calling me a LIAR?!

EEagle

[grabs Squidward with his tongue] I don't appreciate your tone.

Squidward

I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend you.

EEagle

This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.

Squidward

[Eagle squeezed Squidward tightly; loosely] I've learned respect...

EEagle

I don't believe you. [swallows Squidward and he ends up in the stomach, Squidward sees SpongeBob]

Hi, Squidward! You wouldn't believe what I had to go through to get here.

S7 Squidward in Clarinetland

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Squidward, no! Those patties aren't fit for public consumption!

Squidward

Here, enjoy!

S7 The Play's the Thing

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Squidward

AAAAAHH!

Haw haw! Ah haw haw! [hurls an anchor]

S7 The Play's the Thing

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Squidward

You know SpongeBob, in light of everything that just happened... I lied to you. I am not grateful for anything! I mean look at me. I don't even have a roof to sleep under, anymore!

Well, I wouldn't say that.

S7 Sponge-Cano!

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[The episode opens with SpongeBob and Patrick running back and forth between their two houses across Squidward's yard and annoying him; Squidward, losing his temper, finally comes outside and stops them by slamming two suction cups in their faces]

Squidward

[enraged] Stop playing IN MY YARD!

Oh, we're not playing in your yard, Squidward, we're playing in our yards! We're just using your yard as a walkway.

No offense, but your yard gargles tartar sauce.

Squidward

[angrily] Well, pick one and leave my yard out of it!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! I'm good at choosing! Hmmmm... let's play in SpongeBob's yard! No! Patrick's! Errrr... SpongeBob! [sobs] I'm terrible at choosing! Squidward, you choose!

Squidward

[carries Patrick to his yard] I choose Patrick to play in Patrick's yard and SpongeBob in SpongeBob's yard. [carries SpongeBob to his yard. He draws a rectangle around his house] And nobody in here! [leaves]

S7 That Sinking Feeling

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Squidward

I knew you two reprobates were behind this!

Yeah, we're reprobates!

Squidward

That was an insult!

And we're insulted!

Squidward

Why were you digging under my yard?

You told us not to walk on your yard, so we walked under it.

Squidward

But you buried my house!

No need to thank us.

Squidward

THANK YOU?!?

You're welcome.

S7 That Sinking Feeling

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[SpongeBob and Patrick are stopped because of a rock in the way]

Must dig! Oh, the rock's too hard!

Squidward

[furiously comes towards them as SpongeBob and Patrick scream and panic; gasping and breathing heavily] You two morons SUNK MY HOUSE!

SPSpongeBob and Patrick

[crying] WE'RE SORRY!

Squidward

[enraged] I'm gonna- [rumble noise and they look up] Uh-oh. [the ground shakes and Bikini Bottom falls underground]

S7 That Sinking Feeling

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[Sam builds a new bigger house made of sand for Patrick. After finishing, she takes the antenna off of Patrick's rock and puts it onto a sand rock]

Thanks, sis!

Sister Sam loves to make rock for brubber.

Squidward

Well, make rock somewhere else. My house is full of sand.

If Big Nose no like sand, Big Nose move! [pushes Squidward's house away]

Squidward

This is way beyond my property line. Hey, Patrick, that oaf makes a better bulldozer than a sister! [laughs] Construction humor.

[growls] No laughing!

No, no, don't be upset with Squidward. He doesn't mean it, don't you, Squidward?

Squidward

Oh, I mean it, alright. She's a big buffoon, like Patrick. Except bigger, and dumber, and buffoonier. [Sam starts huffing]

[scared] Oh, Squidward, you jokester. [Sam keeps huffing]

Squidward

Do you think she looks a little miffed?

[huffs angrily, then starts crying] Those boys mean! They pick on Sister Sam!

Shame on you two! Look what you've done!

Squidward

Look what we've done?!

[Sam cries so hard that her tears fling Squidward and SpongeBob. Squidward falls face first into the sand and SpongeBob falls onto a seahorse-shoe toss pole]

TTuck

Golly-doo-diddley, Clem, that was a nice toss!

Clem

Weren't me, Tuck. My money's on the little missy over yonder.

Aww, hey, sis, don't listen to those meanies. Hey, the new rock is looking kinda boring. What do you say we decorate it?

[sniffles and smiles] Blecorate?

You can call it whatever you like, sis, just as long as we make it spiffy!

[Squidward empties sand out of head]

[walks up to Squidward's house] Make new house spiffy. [takes the window off of Squidward's house] Spiffy!

Squidward

Hey, you can't do that! That's my window!

[puts the window onto the antenna on a sand rock and laughs] Blecorate.

That's the spirit, sis!

Squidward

Oh no, that's definitely not the spirit, Patrick. Your sister is out of control!

Hey, ya just mind your own business and let us «blecorate» in peace!

Squidward

You can blecor---- decorate until the sea cows come home for all I care, just do not use my property to do it! [takes off the antennae-window and stammers as he stops to look at something in shock]

[dismantles more part from Squidward's house and puts it on the sand rock] More spiffy!

Squidward

But that's from... [looks at his somewhat horribly dismantled house] MY HOUSE! That's it! I have had my fill of this thieving brute!

Well, how dare you call my sister a thief, just 'cause she took some of your things...

Easy now, gents, let's not let tempers flare. Now don't you think, Patrick, that it's a teensie bit unfair that sister Sam dismantled Squidward's house?

No, I don't. Not even a teensie, eensie, teensie bit. I see now that not only have you turned against my sister, you've turned on your best friend as well! [cries]

It's not like that at all, Patrick. I was just-

[sees her brother crying] Shush! Meanies make brubber's eyes water! [grabs SpongeBob and Squidward] Meanies go home! [headbutts them to their homes]

Come on, sis. They can't bother us under our rock.

Meanies is mean. [the sand rock closes]

S7 Big Sister Sam

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Squidward

Oh, Krabsy, after tea, I think a full tentacle massage would be an order.

KMr. Krabs

I ain't touching your tentacles with a 10-ft...

Squidward

[on phone] Hello, Office Workers Safety Department... [Mr. Krabs jumps at Squidward ripping the phone out of his hand, then eats it]

KMr. Krabs

[chuckles nervously] I'll go get the massage oil now. [runs inside; cut to the storage room] Boy, ya got anything?

Not yet, Mr. Krabs. [Mr. Krabs groans; takes a bucket of fry grease]

Squidward

[clearing throat] I'm waiting!

KMr. Krabs

Coming!

This just isn't adding up.

[sits up] Pudding?

We must be missing something. Patrick, we're going to need help even more expert than you. [cut to inside the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs massages Squidward's tentacles using the fry grease]

S8 Accidents Will Happen

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This one's for all the marbles.

But I thought we weren't betting.