That thing's eating Squidward!
Not our bestest buddy! We gotta save him! Okay, play 33. I need you to go long. And... break. You're going down, Fisherman! [starts beating up Squidward's Fisherman costume while SpongeBob grabs Squidward's neck]
Don't worry, Squidward. We'll get you out of that old monster. Let's get to the window. [he and Squidward jump out of the window and Patrick throws heavy objects onto Squidward] Okay! I think you got it! [sirens sound; Squidward grumbles as he is taken into an ambulance] Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, there, there, no need to thank us. We were only doing what friends to for the bestest buddy. Well, I guess we don't have to worry about that old monster anymore. [The Fisherman costume growls at them]
SquidwardHuh?
SPSpongeBob & Patrick
[scream and run into ambulance. The Fisherman costume falls down, revealing Gary]
Meow. [starts sleeping on the costume]
[while Squidward is sleeping at the register] Squidward!
Squidward
Ahhh! What is your problem?
My problem is that you aren't working, which means I lose M-U-N-E-E, which means you lose your J-O-B.
Squidward
Remind me again, is that good news, or bad news?
Tentacles, I mean it. You get back to mindin' that register.
Squidward
Minding it for... which customer?
[both Mr. Krabs, and Squidward see that there's no customers inside the Krusty Krab]
I see your point. But still, I'm not paying you to dream sweet nothings. Do something. Pick up a mop, a window wiper. A broom, a spatuler, even!
Squidward
SpongeBob's got that covered.
Squidward
[still pulling on the Yeti Krab's head] Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I'm a little busy trying to pull off this stupid mask of yours.
Squidward
What? [Squidward looks for a minute at Mr. Krabs and the Yeti Krab. He is finally convinced that the Yeti Krab is real, not Mr. Krabs in disguise. He shrieks as the Yeti Krab glares at him. The Yeti Krab grabs Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and the unconscious SpongeBob, ties them to the grill and turns the heat up to cook.]
We're as good as Yeti food! I blame Squidward!
[as he enters, the Krusty Krab, he notices Squidward] Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it?! [Old Man Jenkins appears to be hanging from the razor-wires on SpongeBob, and groans]
Squidward
Congratulations.
[appears] What are you doing, boy?! You're scaring all me customers with your foul stench!
[hugs Mr. Krabs] Mr. Krabs!
[pushes SpongeBob off of him] Oh no, lad, you're not coming in here looking like that! [shot of SpongeBob looking like a wreck] You're going straight home for a nice long bubble bath! [Mr. Krabs pushes SpongeBob outside]
[sadly] Aye-aye, sir. [walks away]
Squidward
What?! He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?! That's my thing!
Yes it is. And consequently, you are just neat as a pin! Now get to work!
Squidward
I'm as neat as a pin? I'll show you neat as a pin! [he runs outside, and gets himself dirty by rolling in dirt, ripping off his shirt, and pouring dirt on his head] Where's my bubble bath, Mr. Krabs?! [Mr. Krabs sprays Squidward with a hose]
There you go! [a truck passes by and drives over a puddle, spraying Squidward, who is already laying in the puddle, with more water] Now get to work! [Sal exits out of his truck]
SSal
Uh, you guys open? I have coupons! "Buy one, get one free!"
Oh no! It says "Buy one for a fee!"
SSal
Oh! I stand corrected! [Mr. Krabs and Sal walk off-screen, leaving Squidward in the puddle, as the episode ends]
Squidward
[quickly removes his relaxing stuff and takes out a phone book] Let's see here. Friends. [coughs and then blows away the dust, then sighs] [while looking through the phone book] Friends, friends... [keeps flipping the pages until he spots the number, "555-5717". Squidward gets surprised until it is revealed that the number was formed by little bugs] Hm. Yeah. I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing? No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... [reveals more of the card that says...] "TONIGHT!"? [walks around the house] Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups? [sees SpongeBob out the window, laughing and playing with his jump rope] But, of course! It's so simple. [runs outside. SpongeBob falls on his jump rope] SpongeBob, I have something to ask you.
[happily blinks his eyes to the camera] Of course, I'll go to the opening with you!
Squidward
That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go?
[The pen is hurling towards Simmy]
[in slow motion, he runs to Simmy] Simmy, look out! There's a candied pen heading straight for your eye due to my act of swatting it away without first considering the trajectory! Oh, I wish I could give my words out faster, but everything's in slow motion! [The pen is about to hit Simmy] NO! [However, instead of hitting Simmy, it went through the robot. The pen lands on the ground and rolls to a projector. SpongeBob bangs on the projector, revealing that Simmy and Tally was just a trash can and a ball wash post] Simmy and Tally are holograms? Then that means... [The projector reveals that the world's most exciting roller coaster was actually a rotting corpse of a sea monster]
Squidward
I was riding that? What about those delicacies I was eating?
[The projector reveals that the food Squidward ate was just rotten chum. The projector also revealed that the pen he was sucking on was a caterpillar. Squidward freaks out and rubs his tongue in disgust. The projector reveals that the van Plankton drove on was an old broken down van. Mr. Krabs gasps in wonder what the stuffed walruses were. But nothing happens.]
Whew! That was a clo... [The projector reveals that the stuffed walruses were actually fish skeletons. Mr. Krabs screams in terror and the skeletons crumble to dust] You saved me, boy. How did you do it?
I guess my mind was all sharp from the relaxing fun I had at your company picnic, Mr. Krabs.
[walks up to them] Unbelievable! [Mr. Krabs picks Plankton up] Uh-oh. [Mr. Krabs puts Plankton on the disk-shaped paper with mustard and throws him out in the distance. Once it landed, there was an explosion]
[jumps up as a rainbow appears and jellyfish fly around] The greatest company picnic ever!
Alright, enough relaxing. Back to work! [laughs as he leaves]
[The episode ends with SpongeBob still being in the air and an angry Squidward gets stung in the head by a jellyfish]
[singing] Oh... I wonder, wonder, wonder how many Krabby Patties must we make?
Squidward
Wonder no longer. You only need 1.
[gasps; singing backwards] ⸮ekam ew tsum seittaP ybbaK ynam woh rednow, rednow, rednow I ...hO (Oh... I wonder, wonder, wonder how many Krabby Patties must we make?) What do you mean "1"?
Squidward
Didn't you see today's newspaper?
"No takers for McNulty Challenge". Ha! What's that suppose to mean?
Squidward
He's the current champion. He only needs to eat 1 patty to win.
[Squidward is at the Krusty Krab]
[comes in] I invented a game! I invented a game!
Squidward
[doesn't want to know what the game is] Whoopee. Do tell.
Well, you know how hard "Tic-Tac-Toe" is and how it always takes so long to play?
Squidward
Uh-huh.
Yeah! Well, I made it easier and faster!
Squidward
[sighs] I know I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but what do you got?
It's called "Tic-Tac"! [holds out a notebook] You start with four lines that are crossed. And then the first person puts an X. And then the next person puts an, uh... [thinks]
Squidward
O?
Oh, yeah! An O! And the first person to get four in a row draws a line through them and says, "Tic-Tac"!. [rips off the paper and laughs] You start!
[Squidward draws an X then Patrick draws an O. Squidward draws another X and draws a line through them]
Squidward
Tic-Tac.
Uh... [rips off another paper] Best two out of four?
[narrating time card] Many Tic-Tacs later...
[Squidward and Patrick had been playing "Tic-Tac" for a while. As they played one more time, Patrick becomes worried as Squidward draws in the notebook]
Squidward
Tic and Tac.
I should've gone with my first idea: "Tic."
[The X's, O's, and the writing of the Galley Grub starts disappearing before the scene changes to Squidward riding his recumbent bicycle. Patrick runs up to him]
Squidward, I got a new game! It's called "Rock, Paper, Butter"! [holds out a stick of butter melting in his hand]
Squidward
Butter invent a different game! [laughs]
[Squidward rides away as Patrick eats the stick of butter and sulks sadly back home. The scene changes to Squidward watering his garden. Patrick shows up with two ropes. A long one and a short one]
Squidward, I got it! [throws the ropes on the ground] Whose Rope Is Longer? You... [Squidward picks up the long rope before Patrick finishes] You played this before!
Welcome, gamers! And behold! [thunderclaps] My game!
[Patrick's game board is made out of random board games and is shaped like Patrick himself]
Squidward
[yawns] Are we finished? Who won? [Sandy, disgusted by Squidward's rude behavior, nudges him, much to Squidward's annoyance]
[laughs] No, my friend. We have only just begun.
What's it called, Patrick?
Squidward
Might I suggest "Garbage"? [Sandy growls at Squidward] What?
Yeah, Patrick. What's it called?
[As Patrick thinks, Mini Brain Patrick pushes a light bulb out of his head and it lights up.]
It's called... "Patrick!!" [thunderclaps]
Squidward
Could we just get started already? I'm late for my coma. [still annoyed by Squidward, Sandy zips Squidward's mouth shut]
Hey, Squidward, you finally understand the rules!
Squidward
Oh, I get the rules alright. The rules are that it doesn't matter what anybody rolls! You can just make up whatever it means! [takes the dice and rolls them] So I could just roll the dice and say, "Automatic Winner!"
Good job, Squidward! You've won!
Squidward
Huh? Oh, you know what, you're right. That was a good play.
Not so fast! [writes on his rule card] No player may declare himself "Automatic Winner."
Squidward
You did it again. [becomes furious] You made up another rule! THIS GAME IS THE WORST! STUPID GAME! [Infuriated with Patrick's constant rules, he attacks Patrick. SpongeBob and Sandy run off while he grabs Patrick's game board and shakes it off of Patrick. Then he throws Patrick in the air and when Patrick landed, the game breaks in half. Squidward then puts a piece of the game board in his mouth and shakes his head like a dog. He stomps on it with both feet out of insane anger. However, the police arrives at the scene]
HSHighway Speed Patrol
Destruction to private property. [Patrick, who's visibly enraged at Squidward for destroying his game, writes on his rule card and gives it to the police. Squidward tries to walk away but Nancy O'Malley and the Highway Speed Patrol follow him] Oh, and I see here you are a repeat offender. You're going to real jail. [he and Nancy O'Malley grab Squidward and throw him in the police car]
Squidward
Anything to get out of this game! Thanks, Officers! [however, the blue cellmate comes back inside the box]
BCBlue Cellmate
Welcome back!
Squidward
Somebody say my name! [the police car drives away]
[appears on a game board box; to the viewers] GAME OVER!
[the episode ends]
CHCharlton Hawkfish
This is what you get when so-called fish kind in all its hubris and ignorance stoop so low... [points to Mr. Krabs and Crupski] ...as to cut corners in its plumbing system! Extinction is the result of being cheap!
What a bunch of malarkey.
CHCharlton Hawkfish
At least we didn't waken the great sewer snake. [sees the sewer snake behind him as he looks up] Check that.
[All of the customers run out of the stadium upon seeing the sewer snake, but Charlton does not go back down. He throws the axe, pulls up he sleeves, and runs heroically towards the snake. However, he has an idea on how to defeat it. He points to his nose.]
SSSewer Snake
[with a squeaky voice] Uh-oh.
[Charlton pokes the snake with his pointy nose and the snake yelps and flies around like a balloon and falls back through the hole and into the sewers. Back at the Krusty Krab, the toilet erupts with water and floods the restroom. The water bursts out of the restroom with the safe covered in filth. The safe is opened by Squidward who along with SpongeBob are covered in sewage.]
Squidward
Hey, everybody. The cook's back from the toilet.
[All customers then burst out from the Krusty Krab, screaming and freaking out, as the episode ends.]
I don't get it. We have been staring at this table for three hours. That table could use a cleaning.
Squidward
Shh! Some people are trying to enjoy le cinema.
Oh! Hey Squidward! Hey, do you understand what this movie is about?
Squidward
Nobody does, it's art, now sit down!
Squidward
[loudly] What?!
Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise? It's very important because the heat..
Squidward
[really loud] PLEASE SIT DOWN!
MTMovie Theater Attendant
[shines a flashlight in Squidward's face] I'm sorry sir, you're being too loud. I am going to have to ask you to leave.
Squidward
[grumbling as he is walking away]
Oh, wait, Squidward, I'll walk you out. [Squidward continues to grumble as he exits the theater] Squidward!
[The scene changes to the Krusty Krab late at night. SpongeBob is happily flipping the patties on the grill.]
Squidward
Well, that was the last customer, SpongeBob.
[places his two spatulas in his pockets] Oh, what a great day.
Squidward
And you know why it was a great day? Because Krabs never even showed up!
[The scene changes to Larry's gym getting ready to open up for the morning. Larry is walking by the steam room until he sees steam coming out.]
Huh? [sniffs] What is that smell? [jiggles the doorknob] Mr. Krabs, how long have you been in there?!
[Larry pulls the door off and sees Mr. Krabs as a cooked up crab on a plate with melted butter and lemons on the side, meaning that he had been in the steam room too long.]
I think I'm done! Would you mind rubbin' a little butter on me? [the episode ends]
[Squidward presents himself at SpongeBob's home, dressed up in typical German clothes, in order to convince him that a German family has moved there]
Squidward
[with a German accent] Ehm... German hello...?
ACH! Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob.)
Squidward
[baffled] Say what?
Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob. Ich bin gekommen, um meine alte Heimat zu besuchen. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob. I came to visit my old home.)
Squidward
Please, would you speaken Sie English? I need za practice...
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
