Patrick quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

SpongeBob

They all ran away, Patrick.

Patrick

I bet there's no line at the snack bar. [cuts to the snack bar] Hello? Hello? They must be on break.

SpongeBob

Patrick, is everything okay in here? [hears Patrick sobbing and opens a stall door, then sees him sitting on the toilet with a bag over his head] What are you doing in there, Patrick?

Patrick

[resentfully] Wouldn't you like to know?

SpongeBob

And why is that bag on your head?

Patrick

[sarcastically] Why? Oh, no reason. [angrily] Except you gave me the ugly! [whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps as he walks out] What am I gonna do?! I can't go out looking like this!

SpongeBob

Just remember what we talked about; there's power in pride.

Patrick

That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! [his breath reaches SpongeBob, who smells it and makes a disgusted face] I'm almost as ugly as you!

Patrick

I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do.

SpongeBob

Patrick...?

Patrick

What's my mom gonna say?

SpongeBob

[holding his nose] Patrick?

Patrick

Oh, my gosh, if my sister finds out...

SpongeBob

Patrick?

Patrick

...wait, I don't have a sister. If the bank...

SpongeBob

Patrick?

Patrick

I mean it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but-

SpongeBob

[having had enough, he enlarges to stop Patrick's babbling] PATRICK! [shrinks back to normal] You're not ugly, your breath stinks. Really bad.

Patrick

[sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of skull and crossbones] Ah, what a relief...

SpongeBob

[his eyes water from the foul smell] Ugh, barnacles, Patrick! What did you eat?!

Patrick

Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...

SpongeBob

[holding his nose] No, I mean just this morning.

Patrick

Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...

SpongeBob

What else?

Patrick

Well, I had some of your sundae.

SpongeBob

[realizing] Sundae... [whips out what's left of it] Patrick! My sundae gave us rancid breath!

Patrick

Whatcha mean?

SpongeBob

[coughs] I mean, we're not ugly! We just stink!

SpongeBob

[reading award caption] "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'?

Patrick

"SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name.

SpongeBob

Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.

Patrick

[sadly] But, it's shiny!

SpongeBob

Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?

Patrick

Ice cream!

SpongeBob

Exactly!

Patrick

I can find it! Is it in here?

SpongeBob

No, don't! That's my---- [Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out] award closet.

Patrick

[tearing up] I want an award!

SpongeBob

[pops up with prized ribbons on his eyes] Aw, Patrick, don't cry.

[on the phone] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick

No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and whistles; the phone rings again and picks it up again]

[on the phone] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick

[annoyed] No, this is Patrick. [hangs up again and continues to whistle; the phone rings and he picks it up again]

[on the phone] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick

[yelling angrily] NO, THIS IS PATRICK!!! [slams phone back onto hook] I'm not a Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob

Uh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.

Patrick

Huh? FISHPASTE!

Patrick

I'm never going to get an award now.

SpongeBob

Don't give up, Patrick! This time I got something I know you can do. We're going to open a jar. [takes the lid off the jar] Easy! Now you try. First, get a jar.

SpongeBob

Patrick, that's a pickle.

SpongeBob

You need a jar. [Patrick holds up a spatula] No. [Patrick takes off his shorts] No. [Patrick picks up SpongeBob] No. Try this. [gives Patrick a jar]

[are at the grill frying patties. They both whistle to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", then stop, and they both wipe their foreheads] Whew!

SpongeBob

[drops his spatula; laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]

Patrick

Uh, me too. [drops his spatula and bends down to pick it up]

Patrick

Owwww!

SpongeBob

Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!

Patrick

Yes.

SpongeBob

Why are you doing that?

Patrick

So I can win an award like you.

SpongeBob

Well, it's annoying, so stop it!

Patrick

Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]

SpongeBob

Say, you're good.

Patrick

Thanks.

Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chins. They later watch each other as they dance to "Mary had a Little Lamb"] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as PICKLE FISH LIPS!!!!! [both cover their mouths] Seaweavel. [both cover their mouths again] Yorgyshmorgies. [both cover their mouths yet again]

SpongeBob

[in his head] At least I'm safe inside my mind.

Patrick

[in his head; as SpongeBob realizes that he wasn't safe in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.

Aaaggghhh!

SpongeBob

Stop copying me!

Patrick

There's no award for that!

Squidward

[leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. [puts his hat back on and walks back in]

SpongeBob

[he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up?

Patrick

Until I have as many awards as you.

SpongeBob

We'll see about that!

Patrick

No, we won't.

SpongeBob

[takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.

Patrick

Me too. [takes out a jump-rope]

SpongeBob

Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses his arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [his body breaks down into pieces, which later hop away]

Patrick

Oh, no, you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces, then he and SpongeBob repeatedly hit their heads with a hammer]

SpongeBob

Not much fun being me, now, huh, Patrick?

Patrick

Are you kidding? I used to do this way before I started copying you. '[SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice. Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy...] Wheeeee-eeeeeyeeehhh-eeeeh. [...as trophies appear and spin around his head, tweeting like birds. He falls on the ground; SpongeBob laughs and runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head] My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock as SpongeBob quickly runs into his real house]

What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

We're in serious danger! There's a-a-a...a monster out there.

Is it a paying customer?

SpongeBob

Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!

Patrick

[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!

Squidward

Um, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]

SpongeBob

Why?! Why?! He was so young!

Patrick

We’ll never forget you, Wormy!

Squidward

Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."

SpongeBob

Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?

Patrick

Yeah.

SpongeBob

What's the matter?

Patrick

I can't see my forehead. What's your problem?

SpongeBob

I got a good idea, and no one else thinks so!

Patrick

You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.

SpongeBob

You're right, Patrick.

Patrick

Have I ever not been right? [The scene cuts to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.

SpongeBob

Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.

Patrick

Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest] And say 'tax exemption'.

SpongeBob

Tax exemption.

Patrick

Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz.

Patrick

Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!

Squidward

[in a state of tranquil fury] SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [a piece of debris from his house falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than continue living where I do now.

Hi, there. Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest three-way?

Squidward

Four-way.

Four-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to...

Patrick

[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen] I hate this channel.

Squidward

No! No! [changes it back]

...Tentacle Acres. Where happiness is just a suction cup away. [puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pops echo]

SpongeBob

Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?

SpongeBob

We're ready!

Patrick

Ying. [SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom]

Hello, can I help you?

Patrick

[thinking it's a restaurant intercom] Can I get a large #1, extra size?

SpongeBob

But ya just ate three orders of fried oyster skins!

Patrick

[unleashing a noxious gas cloud as he says this] I love fried oyster skins.

We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [a security guard walks up next to him] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? [the two smell Patrick's breath cloud as it wafts in through the speaker] FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh... [the two collapse, the first guard falling on a button opening the gate]

Patrick

I guess we gotta order inside.

SpongeBob

Hey! That looked like Squidward! [the mob runs past them] That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! [Squidward has approached a dead end]

Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!

Squidward

Stand back! I've got gardening tools! [the policeman hands him an envelope]

Here! Just read this! [Squidward looks at it]

Squidward

What is it?

A well thought out and organized list of complaints! [the mob shouts out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]

SpongeBob

Patrick, look! It's Squidward! [he runs up to the octopus and hugs him, but he's a different octopus with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward's] Squidward! We finally found you! [the octopus pushes SpongeBob off him]

Get off me, and I'm not Squidward! [pause]

Patrick

Are you Squidward now?

Squidward

Grievances?! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! [pause] Or at least painted a different color.

F.Y.I., you don't have to live here, you know. [Squidward, and the crowd, smile]

Squidward

Hey, you're right! [the crowd members' smiles fade] And I'm leaving A.S.A.P.! [meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward]

SpongeBob

Are you Squidward?

No. [he walks up to the croquet woman]

SpongeBob

Are you Squidward?

No. [Patrick talks to a fire hydrant]

Patrick

Are you Squidward? [pause] That's okay, take your time. [SpongeBob walks up to him]

SpongeBob

Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! [the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally. The octopuses smile]

Squidward

Freedom! Woo-hoo! [SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon]

SpongeBob

Well, we know one thing: it sure isn't that guy. [the episode ends]

Patrick

I wanna go home.

SpongeBob

We can never go home, Pat; We're wanted men. We'll spend the rest of our lives running. Running, but at least it's warmer on the fire.

Patrick

Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a- [The fire dissolves] I'm scared, SpongeBob.

Patrick

Thanks, SpongeBob. I think I'll eat it now! [takes a big bite of the still-wrapped chocolate bar, finishes the rest, then sighs and wipes his face] I think I'll eat it now. [bites his hand accidentally] Ow! Huh? Where'd my candy bar go? I must have dropped it.

SpongeBob

You just ate it, Pat. It's all over your face.

Patrick

[still looking] Where'd it go? I'm gonna starve. Where'd it go? I can't find it! Where could it possibly be? [looks at SpongeBob] A-ha!

SpongeBob

What?

Patrick

[angrily confronts SpongeBob] You stole my candy bar!

SpongeBob

No, I didn't.

Patrick

Oh, so that's how it is, huh? Once a thief, always a thief.

SpongeBob

You ate yours, this is mine.

Patrick

You took my only food! [feels his stomach] Now I'm gonna starve!

SpongeBob

[hands Patrick his candy bar] Here, Patrick, just take half of mine.

Patrick

[ticked off] Yours?! You mean mine!

SpongeBob

Do you want it or what?!

Patrick

[furiously grabs SpongeBob by the shirt] I don't want it unless you admit you took it!

SpongeBob

This is my candy bar!

Patrick

Liar, liar, plants for hire.

SpongeBob

It's "pants on fire," Patrick.

Patrick

[furiously crosses his arms and angrily pouts] Well, you would know... liar.

SpongeBob

Well, if you're going to be that way, I'll eat it myself!

Patrick

[getting ticked off, fiercely gives SpongeBob a warning] You better not. I'm warning you! Don't! [High-pitched yelling] Stop it! Don't! [enraged] Ah! [covers his ears] Ah! [screaming and shaking his head, pulls his hair while screaming]

SpongeBob

[rips open the wrapper] Aaah... [opens his mouth wide and takes the candy bar closer to his mouth, swaying his tongue up and down, chomps lightly on the bar, puts the bar in his wide open mouth; his two teeth go across the surface of the bar, making strings of chocolate, puts the bar through his head and moves it left to right, licks the candy bar, slowly pushes the candy bar into his mouth and starts chewing]

Patrick

[turns red in anger] You're a crazy person! I should have expected this after the way you stole that balloon!

SpongeBob

[enraged] Did I, Patrick, did I? Or did your criminal mind hypnotize me to steal it?!

Patrick

[angrily stomp his foot down] Oh! That's it! First the balloon, now my candy bar... you're out of control! I'm... [menacingly threatens] I'm telling on you.

SpongeBob

[gasps] Not if I tell on you first!