Patrick quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

How about some lollipops for the road, boys? [gives 2 lollipops]

SpongeBob

Let's vow never to borrow anything without permission again.

Patrick

You said it! [the two cross their lollipops, but Patrick's is already eaten] All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop?

Patrick

...I mean it.

SpongeBob

Carefully... carefully? [Patrick smacks him]

Patrick

Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!

SpongeBob

Pat, no! [Patrick rips a patch of Sandy's fur off with the tape, leaving a patch of bare skin. Sandy roars and goes back to sleep, SpongeBob sighs in relief] Pat, are you crazy? [He sees that Patrick has placed the fur on his forehead]

Patrick

No. I'm warm.

SpongeBob

Let me see that roll of tape.

Patrick

You said it!

Sandy

Oh, look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick! [With that, SpongeBob and Patrick go crazy trying to open the door. Patrick screams. Sandy walks over, completely hairless and in her bikini]

Sandy

Hey, guys! [They climb off the door] [She sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her bald pink body and screams in horror.]

SpongeBob

It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals. [Patrick removes the furry piece from his forehead, smiling fearfully. Sandy is really tickled off now.]

Sandy

[growling with fury] SpongeBob! Patrick!

SpongeBob

Don't worry, Sandy. We've got you covered.

Sandy

[giggles] More lemonade, boys? [pan out to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob around Sandy's body as punishment for ripping her fur to keep them warm, in order to cover up her bald pink hide and keep her warm until her fur grows back. The two take a glass.]

Thanks, Sandy.

Sandy

Spring sure is lovely.

Patrick

Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?

SpongeBob

Laundry? But we used to do laundry!

Patrick

And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?

SpongeBob

[on the verge of breaking down] Soap? But we used to use soap! [holds up two different types of soap] Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du...

Patrick

Here it comes...

SpongeBob

[breaks out in a fountain of tears, each falling into the separate soapboxes and lathering them up in his hand] GARY, PLEASE COME BACK GARY! GARY, PLEASE COME HOME! I'M A WRECK WITHOUT YOU! [stops crying] I know! If you come back, there'll be a new no-rules rule. You can do whatever you want, when you want! [runs up to the sofa and tears it up furiously] If you feel like ripping the sofa, then you rip it up! [runs up to the litter box] And the litter box? Forget about it! [he dumps the litter on his head] The world is your litter box! [he runs to the fridge and opens it] And you don't even have to wait around for me to feed you anymore! 24-hour fridge access! [he takes a milk carton and drinks it] And you don't even have to use a bowl! [he runs to a giant carving of Squidward] And I know how much you like my prized driftwood carving of Squidward. [scratches at it] Well, think of it as your own personal scratching post! What do you think, Gary? Won't it be fun, Gary? [we see SpongeBob has carved Squidward into a heart]

Patrick

How pathetic.

SpongeBob

Gary? [the heart breaks in half and one half hits him. The two walk to the laundry room]

Patrick

[patronisingly] I'm sorry, SpongeBob. But Gary's with me now. You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it, SpongeBob, you're only hurting yourself. [he takes off his shorts and puts them in the machine; Gary crawls in after them] It's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me. Right, Gary? [Gary does not answer] Huh?

Patrick

He only liked me for my shorts!

SpongeBob

No, Patrick! He wanted the cookie in your pocket!

Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

Gary? [Gary burps and happily meows] Whee! [hugs Gary] Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me! Aww... [giggles, he takes his leash] Let's go for a walk, pal! [the two walk out of the house]

Patrick

[left alone heartbroken and devastated] Gary? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL...!!! [the episode ends]

Neptune preserve her!

Squidward

How long can she stay like that?

SpongeBob

I don't know.

Patrick

Sandy's a girl?

SpongeBob

Wow, Sandy. You sure provided us wrong. I guess land creatures are better. [bubbles rise from Sandy's lips] At least until they need to breathe... [he, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs chuckle while Sandy angrily squints one eye at them] Yep, won't be long now.

Sandy

[starts struggling to hold her breath] Mm?

SpongeBob

Feeling lightheaded yet?

Sandy

[shakes her head] Uh-uh.

SpongeBob

Remember this? [takes a deep breath in and out. Sandy is seen sweating profusely]

It's free! [also takes a deep breath in and out]

Sandy

Oh, you mean for your chicken costumes?

Patrick

[holding and eating popcorn] Hey, we are not chicken! [drops his popcorn] Huh! My popcorn! [begins pecking at it like a chicken]

SpongeBob

Yeah, we're not chicken, we'll do it. [looks at the water's surface and pokes his finger above the water] There! Mission accomplished!

Sandy

Look, unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures!

SpongeBob

No way, San-day. We can take on your challenge.

Yeah!

SpongeBob

We're sea creatures!

Yeah!

SpongeBob

Okay. Well, this is it.

Wait, boy! [gives him a glass of water] Make it last.

SpongeBob

[drinks from it] Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Okay. Here I go! [the scene changes to live action as he gasps out of the water. He is now a real yellow kitchen sponge on a stick] Hey, this isn't so bad! We can do this! Hey, Patrick, come on up! The air is fine!

Patrick

I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! [jumps out of the water. He is now a real pink starfish, missing his trunks, on a stick] Hey, I lost my trunks! Hi, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

All right, Pat! You made it! Come on up, Mr. Krabs! Up here!

All ashore that's going ashore, Mr. Squidward! Land ho! [runs up. He is a red rubber toy crab on a stick]

SpongeBob

Looking good, Mr. Krabs!

Patrick

Yeah! Yeah, whoo-hoo!

SpongeBob

Come on, Squidward! You're missing all the dry. Come on, Squidward!

[chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!

Squidward

Well, l'll do it, but I won’t like it. [walks up. He is a puppet octopus with his eyes and big nose. All stop chanting] What?

SpongeBob

Well, here we are! [all four are walking on the island]

Squidward

This is pretty easy!

Patrick

I may keep a second rock up here!

Once you get your land legs, it's not so bad!

SpongeBob

We're the masters of land and sea! [a string puppet seagull lands in front of him] Hey, it's a local. Hi! We're from underwater! Do you know Sandy Cheeks? [the seagull looks at screen]

Sandy

Three, two, one. Well, tan my fur! They made it! Better go congratulate them! [walks onto the island. She is now a real plush squirrel toy with a small, round plastic helmet on her head] SpongeBob? Patrick? Hmm, where do those critters get to? [sees the seagulls attacking all four of them; one of them is trying to eat Patrick, while the other is chasing SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward] [gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hiyah! [attacks the birds offscreen and feathers start flying. All five sink back down to the seabed, with Squidward upside-down]

SpongeBob

Uh, thanks for saving us, Sandy.

Sandy

You know, everyone's best at things.

SpongeBob

But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy.

Sandy

Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob.

Three cheers for feeling sorry for us! Hip hip...

Hooray!

Hip hip...

Hooray!

Hip hip...

[lying injured on the island with their feathers missing] Hooray!

What's wrong with Clamu?

Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember?

Patrick

Now, this is a show!

Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. [everybody does that] Thanks for coming.

You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionalm ppppply disturbed oyster. [points at SpongeBob] You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?

SpongeBob

Uh...

Patrick

No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

[hides the peanut bag] Right. [lets out a nervous shriek]

Patrick

If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and..."a jerk"!

Narrator

A few inches later...

Spongebob

[Points upward] Look!

Patrick

SpongeBob, how long are you going to stay in your little fantasy world?

[finds out the pencil slipped out of his hand and lands in the water] My pencil!

French Narrator

The artist has learned the first lesson of the sea: Always bring a spare pencil.

No!

Three!

SpongeBob

It's a jellyfish!

Patrick

Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

SpongeBob

Huh! Everybody's a critic.

Patrick

[notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life] SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!

SpongeBob

[oblivious] Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic!

Patrick

[pointing to the jellyfish] No, I mean it's swimming away!

SpongeBob

Do you know what this means, Patrick?

Patrick

Your art can never hang in a museum.

Patrick

What just happened?

[speaking gibberish] Me, hoy minoy! Neyoyoyminoy, ladyonmamoy!

SpongeBob

Come on, Patrick! Give me a boost up!

Patrick

Can't we just stay down here where it's safe?..

SpongeBob

No way. I created this monster and I've got to stop him.

Neofineyin!

SpongeBob

See what I mean, Patrick?

Patrick

[dazed] Where's the leak, ma'am?

SpongeBob

You okay, Patrick?

Patrick

[offscreen] FINLAND!!!

Patrick

Hey, SpongeBob, what's with all the ruckus?

SpongeBob

Take a look for yourself, Patrick.

Patrick

It's the evil doodle!

SpongeBob

No, no, not evil. He was just a two-dimensional creature lost in our three-dimensional aquatic world longing for a purpose.

Patrick

So, he's a drawing?

SpongeBob

Exactly! See how happy he is?

Patrick

He still looks kind of creepy.

SpongeBob

[on a diving board with the pencil] Oh, great Magic Pencil, your powers are too mighty for us ocean dwellers. So I will send you back to the magic kingdom from where you came. Are you ready, Patrick?

Patrick

Ready!

French Narrator

We rejoin the artist in a creative slump.

[the pencil reaches the surface and lands on him] Huh, what's... what's this? [jumps up and holds his pencil in joy] My pencil! [tries to draw, but unfortunately, the pencil lead breaks]

French Narrator

The second most important rule for the artist at sea: Always bring a pencil sharpener.

[starts to cry] No!

Squidward

Open 24 hours a day, what a stupid idea. Who wants a Krabby Patty at 3 in the morning?

Patrick

Oh, boy! 3:00 AM! [eats a Krabby Patty]

Patrick

But don't they watch television?

SpongeBob

I'm only pretending to be dumb. It was our plan, remember?

Patrick

[puts on the helmet] And don't worry, I'll keep this warm for ya.

Patrick

[puts his left thumb up] It wasn't easy, Dad.

You bet, Marty.

Oh, that's right, honey. We don't have a son.

Oh, yeah.

SpongeBob

[speaks into microphone] Attention, customers, today's special is a [dolphin chirp] Krabby Patty served in a greasy [dolphin chirp] sauce and grilled to [dolphin chirp] perfection. [One customer drops his patty. Another is so shocked even the food he's chewing freezes midair. A mother octopus covers her laughing children's ears] And don't forget to ask us to [dolphin chirp] the [dolphin chirp] fries. It will be our [dolphin chirp] pleasure. [a giant human ear pops out of Squidward's head; he pushes it back in] Hi, Squidward, how the [dolphin chirp] are ya?

Patrick

Nice [dolphin chirp] day we're having, isn't it, Squidward?

Huh? The Krusty Krab, she's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?

Squidward

Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.

Well, what was it? What did he say?

Squidward

Uh, he said, uh, well, he said... [whispers the word]

Huh? [Squidward whispers the word again; gasps and enraged] SPONGEBOB AND FRIEND! FRONT AND CENTER! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language?!

SpongeBob

But, Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.

Patrick

Yeah, it's fancy talk.

There ain't nothin' fancy 'bout that word!

SpongeBob

You mean [dolphin chirp]?

Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a BAD word!

BAD WORD?! [both regretfully wipe their tongues]

Yes, siree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.

Squidward

Don't you mean there are only 7?

Not if you're a sailor. [laughs]

SpongeBob

Wow, 13.

Patrick

That's a lot of [dolphin chirp] bad words.

Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.

We promise.