Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Patrick

Do you think she knows the muffin man song?

SpongeBob

Patrick, she sang that song from her heart. She really misses Texas.

Patrick

Well, let's get some Texas and bring it down here.

SpongeBob

Patrick, we can't-- [comes with an idea] That's it! Patrick, your genius is showing.

Patrick

[frantically covers himself] Where?

SpongeBob

Plankton, what are you doing here? And why are you crying?

Oh, hi, SpongeBob. [blows his nose] I'm cryin' because I've got these two ice cream cones, but I only need one! [cries] I don't know what to do with the other one!

SpongeBob

Well, what about an airline food?

What?

SpongeBob

Airline food! My gosh, what is up with that stuff? [Showtime fill music appears] Thank you, good night! See, I can be a stand up guy. See?

SpongeBob

[finds out that Plankton used him for his evil plan; gasps] "Mega Bucket"?! You used me for land development! That wasn't nice!

Haven't you figured it out, SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world! [laughs evilly]

SpongeBob

Well, what about aggressively nice people?

Huh? What are you doing? [SpongeBob brings out the hot dogs in the hot dog stand, he ate earlier and puts them back where they belong. Then he puts the kites back where they were] Wait, SpongeBob! Stop! [a girl is crying because she has sand on her ice cream. SpongeBob takes it and wipes the sand off with his eyelashes] Butterfly kisses... Can't take it... It's too cute... It's-it's disgusting! [Scooter is crying at his broken surfboard]

SpongeBob

What happened? [points to surfboard]

I hit a reef with my new board, dude!

SpongeBob

No problem! [shapeshifts into a surfboard]

Whoa! [grabs the surfboard] Killer!

SpongeBob, stop! Before it's too late! Your kindness is bringing everybody back! [everyone comes back] Get back! Wait! [everyone, on their way back to the beach breaks through the construction barriers, trample and squish Plankton underfoot] Ouch! Ow! Ow! No! Ooh!

[is surfing with SpongeBob] Cowabunga! [he and SpongeBob arrive back to shore] Thanks, dude! That was awesome! [just then, Plankton begins straining and weeping]

SpongeBob

Gee, Plankton, I'm sorry about the Chum Bucket.

Forget about that. I just can't take so much kindness in one sitting. [bunches up into a ball] NEED... HATRED... [crawls away]

SpongeBob

Volleyball, anyone? [everyone uses SpongeBob as the ball] Serve up! [laughs] Ouch! [laughs] Ouch! [laughs] Ouch!

SpongeBob

Wake up, Gary!

Gary

[wakes up] Meow?

SpongeBob

We're moving today!

Gary

[quizzically] Meow? ("We are?")

SpongeBob

That's right! We're leaving home. We're going to become peasants! [puts on a hat and a fake beard]

Gary

Meow? ("Peasants?")

SpongeBob

[takes Gary's bowl away] No more food. [gives Gary a plate with clams on it] Sorry, Gary. Peasants only eat mashed-up clam shells.

Gary

Meow.

SpongeBob

[goes into the kitchen] Whew, I'm thirsty! [opens the fridge and takes a giant pitcher of lemonade out of it] This is an extreme thirst! [sets the lemonade down on the floor, causing the floor to shake a little]

SpongeBob

[normal voice] Whew, I'm exhausted. I sure can't wait to drink all these drinks! April Fools! [holds up a mirror] To me.

Squidward

What's he so happy about? (I mean, what's today anyhow?) [walks by the calendar and panics when he notices it's...] "April 1st"!? [yells] April Fools Day is SpongeBob's favorite holiday!

Excuse me, can I get a couple of ice cubes in here, please?

SpongeBob

Sure! A couple of ice cubes coming up! [walks off and then returns with the drink] Here you go.

Thanks. [drinks his lemonade]

SpongeBob

[giggles with every sip, and Tom finishes his drink; laughing] April Fools!

What did you do to my drink?

SpongeBob

I-er, I-er...

You what?!?!

SpongeBob

You asked for a couple of ice cubes in your drink, and I only put in one! [laughs]

Hey, I guess that is kinda funny.

Squidward

Ugh, that's it! SpongeBob and his stupid pranks. I'm going to show him what a real prank is all about.

SpongeBob

Oh, boy! Something for me to clean up. [starts cleaning it and Squidward is standing next to a rope which he is about to cut]

Squidward

April Fools! [laughs as he cuts the rope which grabs SpongeBob]

SpongeBob

Whoa! [the rope sends him into some bags of flour. Squidward is laughing through all of this and rolls on the floor. Then SpongeBob is taken around a bar] Whoa! Blblblblblblbl... [yells as he is sent slamming face-first into the wall]

Oh, no!

SpongeBob

Whoa! [The scene cuts to Squidward cheerleading, laughing, and jumping into the air. Then SpongeBob smashes into the ceiling]

Squidward

[runs and holds out his arms to catch SpongeBob] I'll catch you, SpongeBob. [giggles to himself. SpongeBob shouts as he plummets toward Squidward, who quickly sets out a garbage can in front of him, and SpongeBob falls into the goop in the can] Oops. [dumps SpongeBob, who is now the shape of the can, out of the garbage can] April Fools, you little sausage. [laughs]

SpongeBob

Awww! [starts to cry and runs out of the Krusty Krab]

Squidward

SpongeBob, I was just kidding. C'mon, c'mon. You guys know I was just kidding... Right?

Aww, man, poor kid.

That guy has definitely got some issues to work out. [the customers angrily glare at Squidward as they begin to leave]

April Fools, jerk. [all the customers storm out the door in disgust as Squidward starts to look upset by their reaction]

Squidward

Wait, don't go.

Hey, you stink!

Squidward

Wait, wait, wait. It was a joke! Uh-huh... [looks around at the mess he has made and winces, then he looks at Bubble Bass, who has a hole in his bottom due to the "prank" and Squidward starts to feel ashamed of himself] Why is it whenever I'm having fun, it's wrong? I didn't mean to make him cry. I guess this means I'd better tell SpongeBob I'm sor-eaach. [makes silly face] Huh? I guess this means I'd better apolo- [throat goes haywire] gii! This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

SpongeBob

What would we do with Squidward?

Yours is superior. [bows to SpongeBob] Therefore I concede to you, SpongeBob SquarePants, you win. [The crowd cheers]

Yeah! [dancing] We're going to Atlantis! We're going to Atlantis!

SpongeBob

What's so funny?

You, SpongeBob. That repulsive thing in my palace?

SpongeBob

You mean, Patrick can't come?

[laughs] No, of course not.

SpongeBob

And my friends?

Ah, the only friend you need, my dear boy, is the royal grill.

Patrick

[crying and wiping his tears with a tissue] It was nice knowing you, buddy![Mr. Krabs cries]

SpongeBob

[pats Mr. Krabs' claws] I know, Mr. Krabs, I'll miss you, too.

I lost me bet!

[luggage appears next to SpongeBob] Come, SpongeBob, grab your things! It's time to depart to Atlantis! [a two-seater bike appears. He rings bell and pats SpongeBob's seat]

SpongeBob

I don't wanna go! [cries]

It's too late now. I can't live without your burgers! [grows giant] You're going to be a god and like it! [zaps SpongeBob and he becomes a muscular god. But being the same size, he looks a little strange] Maybe we do have a problem.

SpongeBob

[in a booming voice] Wait, Neptune! I have another idea! [summons lightning]

Patrick

Good morning, Krusty Krew.

SpongeBob

Hi, Patrick. What'll you have?

Patrick

Uhhh... [drools stupidly]

SpongeBob

Can you excuse me?

The accursed stove has burnt my finger! Feel thine own wrath, stove! [uses his powers to zap the stove] Haha!

SpongeBob

[in a stern voice] What did I tell you about using your powers, trainee?

[sighs, then embarrassedly puts his arms behind his back] Uh... Perfect patties are made with love, not magic.

The hooks, me bucko! They're back! Beware the hooks!

SpongeBob

The hooks?

Aye, the hooks! They dangle down and draw you close with their pleasing shapes and beguiling colors, and just when you think you've found the land of milk and honey, they grab ya by the britches, and haul you way up high, and higher, and higher, and higher, until you're hauled up to the surface, flopping and gasping for breath! And then they cook ya, and then they eat ya...or worse!

SpongeBob

[terrified] What could be worse than that?

Gift shops.

What did I tell ya about those hooks, boy?

SpongeBob

I-I-I...

Patrick

I'll tell ya about the hooks. You ride 'em up, and up, and up, then you gently float down.

And do ya know what happens when ya don't float back down?

SpongeBob

Gift shop?

Worse! Ya end up vacuum-packed, in a can of tuna! With nothin' to look forward to but the smell of mayonnaise!

SpongeBob

All I know is Mr. Krabs said... [Patrick eats the cheese off the hook] Patrick, don't do that!

Patrick

Cheesy! No danger here.

I need a sailor's promise! Repeat after me: Yoho! Yoho! Near the hooks, I'll never go!

Yoho! Yoho! Near the hooks, we'll never go.

YOOOWIE! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! [rubs his butt]

Ahh! Mother of Pearl! Fire on the poop deck! [rub their butts]

Patrick

Hey SpongeBob, you're going the wrong way!

SpongeBob

I always go to work this way.

Patrick

You're not going to work today, we're gonna go play Hooky!

SpongeBob

But, Patrick, we promised.

Patrick

Well, I had my fingers crossed.

SpongeBob

You don't have any fingers, Patrick.

Patrick

Well, that Mr. Krabs is just a big dummy! We played on those hooks all day long, and nothing happened to us!

SpongeBob

But Mr. Krabs said--

Patrick

Look, SpongeBob. Are you gonna listen to a big dummy, or are you gonna listen to me?

SpongeBob

Uuuuuummmmmm...

Barnacle Boy

[takes away the conch signal from SpongeBob] Alright, that's it! Gimme that! You're running us ragged.

Mermaid Man

[while crawling on the walkway of SpongeBob's house] Must answer clarion call! [collapses]

Barnacle Boy

We're exhausted!

SpongeBob

[while tearing up] I'm sorry, Barnacle Boy! I didn't mean it! I just wanted to spend time with you! You're my heroes! [starts crying]

Barnacle Boy

It's too late for that, Mr. Contest Winner. I'm gonna destroy this thing with my sulfur vision! [tries to use his sulfur vision to destroy the conch but is unsuccessful. He tries again, but he still doesn't succeed] Well, I'll destroy it when I get back to the Mermalair. Uh, and as for you... [puts the conch in his pocket]

Mermaid Man

[gets up] Barnacle Boy, don't squash his enthusiasm. After all, he could be the hero of tomorrow, or the villain. Besides, I remember another young whipper-snapper, who wanted to be a super-hero. [takes out a picture. The image shows Barnacle Boy as a kid holding a lollipop; chuckles]

Barnacle Boy

You don't even remember breakfast, you old coot.

Mermaid Man

[walks up to SpongeBob, still crying] Maybe the conch signal is too much responsibility. [SpongeBob stops crying] But how would you like to spend the rest of the afternoon on patrol?

Barnacle Boy

What?

Mermaid Man

[while he and SpongeBob are running to the Invisible Boatmobile] To the Invisible Boatmobile! [Barnacle Boy becomes angry]

Patrick

SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?

SpongeBob

Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest. [walks to the kitchen putting a line of holes in the floor with his feet] Well, I've gotta get to work.