Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward

All right, first, I'm going to give you something so simple, a person without a brain could even get it done right.

SpongeBob

Phew, that's good, 'cause I lent my brain to Patrick for the weekend.

Squidward

Really?

SpongeBob

No, not really...He traded me these two chocolate bars for it.

Squidward

I don't care! Just use this paint to cover up that faded spot on the wall right there. Don't touch anything else!

SpongeBob

Okay.

SpongeBob

[after spotting Plankton stealing the secret formula] Wait a minute...was this band just a front so you could steal the Krabby Patty Secret Formula?

What? No, I was in it for the music, man!

Hello, and welcome to a very important evening. Tonight's event is entitled: Pennies, for the penny-less. And before the following images are shown, I would ask each of you to look not look with your eyes, but with your heart. [Mr. Krabs shows some images] 3 dimes ($0.30), 2 nickels ($0.20), 1 quarter ($0.25), 0 pennies. And since I realize the images seen here tonight may be wretchedly hideous, I am going to tell you what you can do to end this travesty. You can donate one penny to me: Mr. Krabs. Also known as: Mr. Krabs, the man who doesn't have one.

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs...?

[cheered up] Yes?

SpongeBob

I would like to donate a penny....

You would?

SpongeBob

IF I ONLY HAD ONE!!! [cries harder as Mr. Krabs screams inside his shell]

SpongeBob, I just wanted that penny you found on the street yesterday. Oh, I'm sorry.

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs, that wasn't a penny! [laughs]

It wasn't?

SpongeBob

[takes out the "penny" he picked up] No, that was just a dried up piece of gum for my collection! I think it's peppermint.

Ah ha ha ha ha hooooooooo hoo. I feel so relieved! There was no penny after all! Well, I'll be going now, You can keep the metal detector, SpongeBob. See ya!

SpongeBob

Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Hear, Gary. You can play with it. [Gary sniffs it, then blows raspberry at it, then walks away, the gum then absorbs it] Hey, this isn't gum or a penny at all. [pulls it out, revealing that it is a $500 bill] It's just a dumb old $500 bill. This won't go with my chewed up gum collection! [throws the bill over his shoulder and walks away annoyed] Ah well, good night, Gary.

[digging some holes] Penny, must have buried it around here somewhere! I'll just have to keep digging...!

SpongeBob

I assure you, I am well rested and ready to learn. Who knows, Mrs. Puff? Before the day is out you may have learned something yourself. [Mrs. Puff smells SpongeBob's odor and sprays "Shower in a Can" on him and he smells better] Hey, Mrs. Puff?

Mrs. Puff

Yes, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

I made this for you.

Mrs. Puff

Made what?

SpongeBob

[holds out a model of a boat so small it is practically a dot on his hand] This - the H.M.S. Pinafore! At 1:8,427th scale of course.

Mrs. Puff

SpongeBob, I don't know how, [her face turns into a smile] but you did it. You saved us all. Let's get off this thing. [Cut into a scene where they get off the ship] And the way you pulled the anchor out, genius! I never thought I'd say this, but here's your driver's license. [SpongeBob screams and slowly grabs the license]

SpongeBob

Oh, boy! At long last!

What are you doing here? [SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff look] No one should be on board while I'm tugging the museum into port.

Mrs. Puff

You mean, he's not driving this thing at all?

Heck, no! [Mrs. Puff rips the license, SpongeBob saddens and pulls off the hat, looking at it; to SpongeBob] Now, don't get so down, kid! Look, for your false bravery, I'm giving your honorary Sea Legs, okay? Come on, let me buy you an ice cream. [the boat alarms softly which cuts to the scene where the headlights are on]

SpongeBob

Oh, gosh. [chuckles] Headlights are on! [runs back into the ship]

Don't touch anything, you twit! [SpongeBob gets back on the boat]

Run! [The ship flips sideways]

Mrs. Puff

[inflates then turn to SpongeBob who pops up beside her] Good thing you studied. [Episode ends]

Squidward

[looking at his score with a triumphant but sleepless face] I did it. [kisses the score and laughs] Yes! [runs out of his house in an ecstatic delirium] I did it! I did it! I did it! And I did it! Ha ha ha ha!

Patrick

[watching Squidward run out the door as SpongeBob sews his butt and laughs] Did what?

Squidward

Here you go, maestro, my masterpiece.

[looks at the score; in a German composer accent] Hmm, oh, very unusual. I think we have a winner, Mr. Tentacles! [Squidward smiles, cuts to later where Squidward is about to conduct his song]

Good evening, music lovers of Bikini Bottom. Tonight, is the premiere of a new symphony, written by one of our own, Squidward Tentacles.

Squidward

[gasps] Huh?!

Squidward

I wrote down everything I heard?! [gulps and looks at the audience, SpongeBob drops a brick on Patrick's leg, then an anchor]

Oooo! That's gonna leave a mark! [Squidward sweats in embarrassment]

That poor guy. [as Patrick sits up straight on Squidward after deflating, the song comes to an end]

Squidward

Patrick, get off of me! [Patrick does so, Squidward growls at him, then looks at the audience, Squidward begins to sadly walk off the stage, but then everyone begins cheering]

Oh, now that's what I call music!

That little yellow guy is awesome!

Let us not forget the tubby starfish!

Fred

Oh, yeah, but the real genius is the composer! [all chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!

SpongeBob

Wow, Squidward, they really liked you! Just don't get a "swelled head." [Squidward's head begins to inflate, because Patrick is using the blood pressure pump, causing Squidward to look at him suspiciously and then we can hear an explosion as the screen cuts to black, ending the episode]

SpongeBob

Squidward? [Squidward wakes up, and then freaks out when he sees SpongeBob sitting on him] How does one become normal?

Squidward

Well, how about you start by... [cuts to outside of his house where he kicks SpongeBob through the wall on top of the house, angrily yelling] GETTING AWAY FROM ME YOU LITTLE CREATURE?! [closes his window]

Patrick

SpongeBob, the weird therapy is working. Your craters are coming back. We just have to keep pushing the boundaries. We've gotta get stranger. [Cuts to Jellyfish Fields where SpongeBob is riding on Patrick's back like a horse and catches a jellyfish in the net. Another crater comes back. Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick licking the sand and as SpongeBob is licking, his nose grows back to normal size. Cuts to Patrick and SpongeBob standing on their hands] Talk backwards.

SpongeBob

Tap, erus uoy era? (Are you sure, Pat?) [SpongeBob's legs and arms are back to normal]

Squidward

It's me, Squidward. I'm looking for SpongeBob. [Squidward is in a normal state] Hi, how are ya?

Patrick

SpongeBob, you're back to your square shape!

SpongeBob

Wow, I guess Squidward's normal looks scared me back to my original form! [hugging Squidward] Thanks, buddy, you saved my life!

Wonderful weather we're having, hm?

SpongeBob

It sure is, buddy. It sure is. [he and Patrick laugh whilst the episode ends]

SpongeBob

Huh?

Sheesh. Calm down, boy.

SpongeBob

You're all still alive? Well, where did you go?

It was National No SpongeBob Day!

SpongeBob

"National No SpongeBob Day"?

Yeah. A whole day dedicated to getting away from you!

SpongeBob

A day? But you guys have been gone for weeks!

Uhh... heh heh, yeah well... we kinda milked it a little.

SpongeBob

You too, Patrick?

Patrick

Yeah. Everyone needs at least one day away from... [laughs like SpongeBob imitating his face]

SpongeBob

[sadly] I'm... glad you had fun. [sobs]

Aww, cheer up, boy. It's a whole day inspired by you.

SpongeBob

Really?

Of course! [cut to a scene of everyone in Bikini Bottom except SpongeBob around a SpongeBob made of wood] First, we build a giant wooden effigy of you, then we burn it to the ground. [the citizens burn it] Whoo-hoo! Burn, baby! [cut to everyone dancing on the ashes of the effigy] And dance on the ashes like there was no tomorrow. [cut back to the present time]

SpongeBob

Wow. A whole day dedicated to me! [blushes]

Patrick

Big deal. Wait 'til you see "No Patrick Day"! Come on, everyone. Let's go!

Patrick

Where'd everybody go? Hello? Hello [looks around and the episode ends as a heartbeat is faintly heard]

Squidward

[same tone] The spatula TIED TO YOUR NOSE!

SpongeBob

Oh, this! [explains quickly] Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it. I reached it and grabbed it. I got it but then I fell and I screamed! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and... Squidward? Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see? And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, huh?

Squidward

[sarcastic] Oh, yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit.

SpongeBob

[laughs] Good one, Squiddy.

Squidward

[grumbles] Injury. Your brain is injured! [gets an idea] Wait a minute. Did you say that you got that splinter injury at work?

SpongeBob

Ah. [Mr. Krabs and Squidward are there. He gasps]

What's that?

SpongeBob

What's what?

Behind your back?

SpongeBob

You mean this? [pulls his splinter out from behind his back, but it is covered by his hat]

Put your hat on, boy! Show some company pride!

SpongeBob

[puts his hat on] Heh, company pride, of course.

Uh, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Yes?

Have you always had three legs?

SpongeBob

[has a sock and shoe covering his splintered thumb] Yes.

[believing him] Interesting... Well, what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about? [SpongeBob screams] All right, boy, let's see it. [SpongeBob whimpers] Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter. I mean, how bad could it...? [SpongeBob reveals his massive, swollen thumb which has a slight area of pale green fizz around the impaled center. His thumb is now red. Mr. Krabs gags] Oh, merciful Neptune! [Squidward moans and faints] Okay, no problem. No problem. [easily picks out the splinter. There is a brief pause and the tip of SpongeBob's thumb pops and shoots out confetti] Problem sol... [green pus shoots out of SpongeBob's thumb onto Mr. Krabs' face. He takes out an umbrella as it dies down. There is a close-up of SpongeBob's free hand, bending his splinter-free thumb] Whew. For a second there, I thought I was gonna have to pay you workman's "compersation."

SpongeBob

What's worker's compensation?

You know, when you get paid for sitting at home.

Squidward

[his eyes shoot open. He gets up] You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?

Yeah, what do ya' think "compersation" stands for?

Squidward

[gets the cash register out of the boat counter and slowly smashes it onto his head two times] Ow!

Uh, Squidward?

Squidward

Can I get my "compersation" now?

No. Sorry, Squidward, your shift ended over two minutes ago.

SpongeBob

You see, Squidward! Slide whistling can add a little zest to the humdrum of everyday life.

Squidward

I don't need zest! I need you out of my lampshade! [jumps onto the table to get them out, but they're not there. SpongeBob appears with the slide whistle effect behind a plant] Get out of there! [SpongeBob floats through the air with the slide whistle noise and out the door. SpongeBob and Patrick are spinning around the circular windows] Just get out of there! [they land onto his paintings and become the shapes of his head] Okay, that's enough! You've had your fun.

SpongeBob

True, Squidward, true. We have had our fun. But you know what's twice as much fun? Twice as many slide whistles!

SpongeBob

Hey, what are you two lazybones doing lying around? There's a really cool ramp down the hall! I've got room for two more. What would Larry do?

[Fumingly] What would Larry do? I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT LARRY WOULD DO! Come here!

Come here, I said! Hey!