Chicks in uniform rule.
PRPolice recruiter
Not into dudes, especially the teenage kind. Save your compliments.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
They tell you begging has no dignity. It's beneath you. Well, no bastard ever came home from earning $8.25 an hour feeling proud. Minimum wage? Just a fancy term for industrialized slavery. We're in a war. A war with the privileged. Those aren't streets you're sitting on. They're battlefields! And it is our duty to fight the comfortable and the overfed. So go forth, you sons of bitches. Go forth, and take their money!
Hey. Debs. Hi, Lip. Are you gonna have sex with my sister?
We're about to leave. Franny's physical exam, to see if I'm an abusive mother.
You're not. It's just routine.
My sister really likes you. I'm glad you're her new boyfriend.
I'm not her boyfriend.
A lot of guys used to come around, but you're the only one now.
What if they take Franny?
Listen to me, okay? No one's taking Franny. She is healthy. She has all her shits. You're not an addict. You've never been arrested, right? [Debbie scoffs] You gonna come home?
Why should I? Nobody threatens to kick me out here. And I can tell DCFS that we have a home and source of income.
We?
Neil's great with kids. And his penis doesn't work, so sex won't get in the way.
Thought I heard you. Hey. Just give me a minute to get Neil dressed.
Already done. We're going shopping later. You need anything? Okay. I'm not inviting Fiona. No cunts allowed.
Okay. Don't forget anal.
We're not doing anal.
Oh. Good to know. [Walking to bedroom taking off clothes] Hey, you coming to this dinner tonight?
It's in my apartment. Kind of have to. What's it for?
Fuck if I know, but Debbie insisted we be there.
So, she got into a fight with a homeless lady with a baby strapped to her chest?
Yeah, the more you get to know Debbie, the more you'll see it's really not that unusual.
You think her and my brother is a good idea?
Nope. You?
Fuck no. How about you get my mind off it?
...
Oh, fucking hell. Oh. I didn't know if you'd be good at that.
That was unbelievable.
Sheets drenched?
Yeah.
That's how I come sometimes.
What?
You never heard of female ejaculation?
Oh, no, I have. I just thought it was a myth, like unicorns or moderate Republicans.
You're really hard.
That was really hot. Hey, does that happen a lot with guys?
Sometimes.
When you're alone?
No.
Hey, why didn't you come like that before?
I hadn't let you go down on me. You have a lot of questions.
I just... I feel like Watson and Crick must have when they discovered DNA.
It's just an orgasm.
We should've been doing this from the beginning.
Can't.
Not until I'm really comfortable with a guy.
Sorry, kids. Daddy forgot your sippy cups. Bad daddy. Bad daddy. Ah, who left the TV on? Bad mommy. Bad mommy. [Kevin opens door to discover Svetlana and her husband making love on his and Veronica's bed]
...
V! V. We got to talk.
I thought you were going to the park.
I think I saw something. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure. At least, I think so, but I'm not sure how sure. [Exhales] Svetlana and her dad.
What about 'em?
You know. Mm-hmm.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?
You think I'm saying sex, right?
That's crazy.
No, I know! I know, but I went upstairs, and there's Yvon, pumping away. It was... it was so horrible.
You saw Svetlana?
Yes. But I didn't see her face. I saw a thigh, and it looked familiar.
And you didn't stop him?
I'm sorry, I- I... There... there was Russian TV and moans. I panicked, okay? Oh, this is... this is really, really fucked up. If... if I saw what I saw. I'm- I'm- I'm not sure. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Lana said she was going to the bank.
Oh, who else would it have been, V? You think Yvon came here to ball some random chick in our bed? Listen to yourself. Do you realize how silly you sound? Why would she do it?
He was on top?
Uh-huh.
Pinning her down?
Maybe. He was forcing her.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, that is terrible.
But it's not as terrible as what I thought. [Exhales] I never knew the word "rape" could fill me with so much relief.
Svetlana just got here.
Is there a Hallmark card for "I'm sorry your dad's been raping you"?
What are you gonna say to her?
Me? What the hell am I gonna say?
"Kev thought he saw you f*cking your dad, maybe?
[Sighs] You're right. All right, I'm not running away from this It's time to man up. [Walks over to Svetlana doing accounting] So how was your morning?
Long line at bank.
Right. Bank. How are things with your dad?
I'm busy.
You... you... you guys... You guys fight a lot. And does... does it... does it... Does it ever get out of hand? Where you can't fight him off?
Why you babble like someone who has stroke? Make sense, please.
Okay. Your dad pimped you out. Did he ever sample the goods? Try on the merchandise? Take you out for a test drive? [Svetlana just stares at him, takes off her glass, gets up and walks away with Veronica sitting near him] I got nothing. Don't be mad.
I couldn't find anything about hell week online. They kept it secret. This one dude on Facebook posted that it was the worst week of his life.
They just run you till you puke.
What about hazing? At the Citadel, they put a helmet in a pillowcase and hit you over and over. Or they brand you with a red-hot hanger like a cow. That shit's permanent.
Smells bad, but it heals fast. Toughen you up. Make a man out of you. [Dominique arrives]
DDominique
Hi. Bye, Dad. [Luther closes door] You look good.
...
DDominique
[Standing by fence with Carl] Why the hell are you going to my dad's military school?
I guess I want to be like him.
DDominique
You want to be an overweight cop sitting in a car for ten hours getting shit thrown at him? And I don't mean sh*t like "stuff." I mean shit like... human shit. Are you leaving 'cause of me?
No.
DDominique
'Cause I feel bad about how everything went down.
You mean f*cking another dude?
DDominique
You didn't deserve that. I'll miss you.
Yo.
Oh, hey.
Got the day off from the kids?
Yeah, for a couple hours. I need to clear my head for a while. I got a lot of freaky rape and incest stuff swirling around up there. What can I get you?
Your best booze.
What, did you rob a mini-mart or something?
Ah, no, we ripped off a bunch of corporate crooks. Turns out two wrongs do make a right.
Well, our best stuff is still pretty shitty. Regulars go for quantity, not quality.
They're drinking on me today. Joaquin.
Why?
'Cause they've been screwed over by a system that rewards criminals with white collars and shit values. Fuck mortgage-backed security. Fuck bailouts. Fuck too big to fail. It's time we get a piece of the action.
[To Ian and Carl] Dinner. [Debbie, Ian, Carl, Lip, Liam, Sierra and Neil all take their seats at the dining table] Eh... Sit next to me.
Yeah. Looks great, Debs.
I'll get your soda, Lucas. Can you cut his potatoes?
Uh... yeah. [Takes cutlery to Lucas plate] Let me help you with that.
[To Debbie] Sierra thinks you're only with me for my money.
What, you said that?!
You don't think it's a good idea either!
Look, Debs, you don't need to do this to get the DCFS off your back...
Shut up, Lip. What kind of choices do you think I have? You may see someone who's brain damaged, but I see someone who doesn't lie. Like all the other guys I've ever been with. He'll take care of me and will make sure my baby won't ever get taken away from me. What kind of choices do you think Neil has? Are you always gonna be there to look out for him? 'Cause I will. I'll cook for him, and I'll do his laundry, and I'll let him watch me masturbate. You think he's gonna find a better deal somewhere else? We're engaged. That's why I wanted all of you here.
[Lip and Ian arrive at Fiona's bedroom door with her on bed]
Jesus, just come on in. Close the door. Don't let the AC out. [Lip and Ian sit on Fiona's bed]
All right. Pop quiz. What's the most Debbie thing Debbie could possibly do?
Pregnant?
Nope.
Uh, joined the Army using Lip's name?
Very funny. [Fiona laughs] Try again.
Uh... engaged?
[Points at Fiona] Ding ding ding.
[Sighs] Well, I may have been stupid, but at least I was in love.
And of age.
Too bad I missed the shit show.
No, I got work in the morning.
Well, I need it... after Sierra ripped me a new one.
I don't want to know.
I do. Why was she so pissed at you?
I freaked out after she ejaculated on me. No, she's really cool. I might've blown it.
Hold on. She ejaculated on you?
Yeah.
You mean she pissed on you.
No. I checked the sheets. They weren't yellow.
Did it taste like piss?
How the fuck would I know what piss tastes like? Oh, shit. You've tasted piss, haven't you?
No!
Yes, you have. You lie!
What was it like?
It was like... getting waterboarded. But in a fantastic way.
That shit's real?
Mm-hmm.
So a chick is blowing her load on you like she's a dude. Meanwhile, I'm making out with a guy with a vagina. Yeah, he's trans.
Oh.
Taking testosterone apparently gives you a giant clit.
I'm confused. So, does he have a vagina or no?
No, he does. He doesn't call it that, though. He calls the whole situation his junk.
How do you have sex with the junk?
I don't know. I'm trying to wrap my head around it. No, I'm really into him.
Just not so into her?
He's a fucking him, all right? Not a her.
Jesus.
[Frank and Liam arrive at his school for the first day only to discover the school deserted]
Holy shit. Place is a ghost town. I think someone's in there.
[Knocks on door]
CCustodian
I'm coming, I'm coming. [Opens door] What's going on? They sent out letters letting folks know the school was closed.
Why?
CCustodian
Not enough kids to keep the place open.
Since when?
CCustodian
Since the new private school opened up. Bourgie parents sending their kids over there now.
A private school in this neighborhood?
CCustodian
A lot of new money moving into the Yards. Bunch of Richie Riches.
Where's my son supposed to go?
CCustodian
Oh, they're bussing kids over to Lincoln Douglas Elementary.
That's a 30-minute bus ride.
CCustodian
Not counting the stops. Probably overcrowded. Forty kids to a class, I hear.
So this private school, where is it?
CCustodian
Took over the Blessed Virgin from the Dioceses.
The B... I went there. The archbishop sold it? What happened to the nuns?
CCustodian
Ah, they shipped them off to assisted living. They were all a couple of hundred years old. Not enough poor kids in the neighborhood to keep the doors open.
...
Whoa. Oh, cool. Chickens.
Go play with them, son.
TTeacher
Excuse me. Hey.
Why aren't you going to public school? Afraid of being exposed to regular kids?
TTeacher
I'm sorry?
Is it because my son is poor? Or black?
TTeacher
Children, let's go inside.
The public-school system is being gutted by you sending your kid to this expensive private school.
TTeacher
Please, sir.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll pay taxes to support public schools...
TTeacher
Don't listen to him. Let's go.
But God forbid you or your husband, or your wife, would actually send your child to one.
TTeacher
Sir, this is private property. You need to leave.
This is just the 21st-century version of segregation.
TTeacher
I'm gonna call the police.
I'm leaving. Come on, Liam, let's go.
Can I have a chicken?
No, you can't have a chicken. And do you know why? Because these people don't want you to ever have a chicken. In fact, they've spent thousands of dollars a year so that they can buy up all the chickens in the whole world to guarantee that you will never, ever get a chicken ever in your whole entire life.
[Enters Alibi Room with blood on face, chest and shirt] I'm back.
Damn. What... what happened to your face?
Mission accomplished. Yvon is gone. We are thrupple again.
What?
Gone? How gone?
He's no longer in our lives.
What did you say to him? How did he take it?
This is immaterial. We move forward now. [Looks at cut in reflective wall tile] Ah!
You got to give us more than that.
Ah, he causes divide between us. I get rid of divide. [Svetlana takes framed picture off of wall and defaces Yvon's face with a knife]
Thank you for taking that down. That was creeping me out. [Svetlana puts framed picture back on wall] Yeah, that's way less creepy.
I got rid of him. We are back to normal now.
I'm not sure if you guys were ever normal.
Got rid of, like, packed his bags, or got rid of, like, shot him and dumped him in the river?
What don't you understand?
Well, for starters, where his body is.
Eh, you know, we go round and round in circles. It gets us nowhere. I'm going to go into the back and do inventory. I'm glad we're back to normal, yeah?
[Fiona is sleeping in the laundromat and Etta starts hitting her with a broom]
No sleeping in here! Th- this ain't a homeless shelter!
Etta, stop, stop!
Out!
Hey!
Out!
Hey, it's me, it's Fiona.
Out! Out!-
Stop! Stop! You sold me the laundromat, remember?! I bought it from you. I paid you 80 grand! Remember?!
Well, you made an awful mess.
Yeah, I know, but there's... there's mold under the floor tiles and the ceiling tiles are rotting, so it's a necessary mess.
Well, I- I can't sleep. I used to be able to sleep all night. Then I hit menopause.
Want me to walk you across the street to Patsy's? Get a piece of pie?
Have they got cherry?
Usually, yeah. Okay. Come on.
I love this.
Love what?
Playing house. You told me about your big, chaotic family, but this is more like a romantic breakfast for two.
I know, it's kind of weird around here lately, especially with Carl being gone. Kind of miss the chaos. And the weaponry.
Hey, bud. Hey.
Lookin' sharp, man. Look at that. Yeah? [Knocking on side door with Ian opening to let in Frank]
Hey, hey, smells good in here. Aw, come on. Jesus, come on!
No!
It's cold out there!
Get out.
I got Liam into private school. That doesn't buy me breakfast?
Do you mind if I take this one?
Be my guest.
Okay.
Would you...
You were stealing from homeless people, Frank! You were pretending to be their father and their guardian and then you turned them into slave labor for your own personal indulgence!
Okay.
You're lucky you're still alive, because no one would have...
No.
Blamed them for beating you to death and burying the body. So no, you don't get breakfast.
Okay, I missed...
Okay, let go of the door before I hurt you, Frank.
I... stop. I was their fake father. I'm your real father and I'm not gonna let go of the door until you let go of the door.
Get the pepper spray.
Really?
Come... would you... Come on.
You've been warned, Frank. I'm gonna count to three. One...
Hey, Liam, would you get me a blanket?
Two...
Get me a blanket. Yeah. And some of that bacon. Get me... [Ian sprays him and closes the door] Ah fuck! What happened to three? You said, "I'm gonna count to three"! Shit!
Gallagher house.
As advertised.
Van's gone! Tittie van, stolen!
What?!
I parked it out on the street last night, now it's not there!
Who in the world would want to steal that van?!
People who like boobs, people who like ice cream, people who like driving!
It was insured!
No, it wasn't!
It was, and I already report stolen.
I don't understand what that wink's about! V can tell me later.
I made us good insurance money.
You should've talked to him first.
He doesn't want to talk to me.
He'll come around. You just need to give him some time.
I made us good money. He is mad now, but come Christmas when we spoil babies, he will thank me.
Is it true what Ian said? Fiona bought a business, gave up the supermom gig? Without Fiona this family's adrift. You need a rudder. Just have to prove my worth. Hey, what needs doing around the house? The upstairs toilet ever get fixed?
No.
You ever figure out that smell in your room?
No.
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