"Yo"?! That your way of committing to a life in the ghetto in one syllable or less?
What's up is I need an answer. Am I cancelling my office hours so I can testify on your behalf or not?
What are you talking about?
I thought told you to cancel that.
'Cause you're stubborn as hell but generally not stupid, so I thought you might come around. And because the 20 Gs you owe me for rehab aren't likely to get paid back on a dishwasher's salary.
Is "fuck you" the new thank you?!
Then fuck you too. I'll see you at noon at the Provost's office. And maybe bring a witness to vouch for your character. With that mouth, you're gonna need it.
Your professor? We at the eavesdropping stage of our casual relationship?
You going to that college hearing thing?
'Cause I think brains are sexy in a man.
Hey, are we at that "kissing in public" stage of our casual relationship? We smell so bad.
She stole it. She stole it! My tittie van, Svetlana stole it!
She didn't steal it, she had it stolen and she banked the insurance money.
Who's "us"? Does "us" include her other husband, who she said was her father? Or is he dead and buried under the L? Or do you not care about any of this?
I do care, but... I'm married to her. She adopted our children. It's a little more complicated than that.
Well, your marriage wasn't legal so maybe the adoption wasn't either. Look, it was fun while it lasted, but it stopped being fun right around the time she started fucking her fake father with the scary tattoos in our bed.
I just don't think we should make any big decisions from an emotional place.
You're just, like, totally cool with the whole Yvon thing? You don't feel betrayed?
No, I'm not over it. I feel betrayed and angry too,
Kev, but I'm considering other factors.
Like... how much better our lives are with Lana. We have more money. We have time alone away from the kids. Our sex life is off the chain.
Our sex life was always off the chain! [A short old woman pours herself a vodka shot on personal whim drinking it with total ease] Who's that?!
Lana rented the apartment upstairs to her aunt from Russia.
Is it really her aunt? Or are we gonna find her fucking her in our bed a week from now?! I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen.
[Aunt pours herself another shot] I'm pretty sure that's not gon' happen. [Aunt walks away] She's trying to make it up to us. The van, the aunt. Whether they're actually related, that old woman is paying good money in rent.
So she's trying to buy our love?
She's trying to buy your love. I'm still in love with her. I can't help it.
Are you siding with her over me?
No. Baby, no. I'm siding with us.
I just want it to go back to how good it was.
Please, babe, just go home and talk to her. Tell her how you feel, she'll tell you how she feels.
Gemma said "egg" this morning.
She said "omelet" to me last week. She also said "horsey" and "twat," but I think she was trying to say, "trot." What?
You love V. I love V. We don't need love, me and you. We need like and desire. I still like you, even though you are douche bag when angry, and I still desire you. Do you still desire me?
Spasibo. You stop being douche bag, you could put your face between them like before.
Stop stealing my shit and I'll stop being a douche bag.
I get insurance, I report stolen. I collect insurance, I hide van. [Takes canvas off of a vehicle to reveal Kevin's van] You wait two weeks, you can paint, you make ice cream again. Okay.
And Neil's a really great guy. He has a big apartment which is totally baby-proof. Would you guys like to come over and see it?
TTanya
No, I don't think that'll be necessary.
That way if DCFS calls, you can say you saw where Franny's living and that she's in really good hands.
TTanya
Look, it's good that you're trying, Debbie, but I saw you punch a homeless lady.
TTanya
You accidentally punched a homeless lady?
No, I accidentally lost my temper.
TTanya
Does that happen a lot?
No, never. No. Please, you're her "abayla."
Exactly. Come on. Please? Just come see where we live. Come see how happy we are.
[Frank is thrown out of The Alibi Room with two other men by Svetlana wielding a broom]
Stop! I have to ask you something! Why was the broom late for the meeting?! [Pause] It overswept!
[Looking down] Frank! It's me, baby.
...
[Following Frank down street] I fucked up. I know I fucked up. I fucked up bad, but I-I'm gonna make it up to you and the kids. Frankie. I need your help. [Frank unlocks door to Fiona's laundromat] You could at least turn around and look at me. Frank?
[Goes in and closes door] Go fuck yourself.
Got your breast milk! You know, I'm gettin' real tired of comin' around here every morning. This is bullshit. Just give us the baby back already.
CCelia
The DCFS has all the info they need to place Franny with us. If Debbie keeps sleeping on the lawn, I'm gonna call the cops!
We should be the ones calling the cops! Kidnapping is worse than trespassing. Just hand us the baby, and we'll all go back to our lives.
CCelia
We'll see you tomorrow at the DCFS meeting.
[Wake to phone and glances at Ian's phone] Anyone important? Someone named "Answer at Your Own Risk."
Didn't even know you had a mom.
Haven't talked to her in months.
Unmedicated. Bipolar. Drug addict.
My kind of gal. Kidding. Are you gonna text her?
Um... Later. You can't just dive into Monica. You got to dip your toe in slowly.
Should we, um, invite her to the Backend tonight? Could be a hoot.
I am charming. Parents love me.
I don't know. Um... Monica's brand of crazy can be kind of terrifying sometimes.
The homeless shelter's down the street, lady! [Throws sleeping bag at Monica on porch] Get up!
Deb. My God. You're a woman.
Well, I'm... I'm back. I'm looking for Frank.
No, I know. I saw him. He wouldn't talk to me. I was hoping that you kids could help me out.
Okay. Maybe a cup of coffee before I go? I mean, it's kind of cold out here.
Look, Monica, my baby got stolen, and I have to go get her back.
My God! I'm a grandma! [Hugs Debbie deeply] Oh!
[Debbie and Monica come in front door]
Yeah, like, 80 times. They're useless. DCFS too. They don't even seem to care that Franny got kidnapped.
Hey. What brings you back?
It... was time. So, you staying here?
Sleeping on the couch until I get over my two wives betraying me.
No luck this morning, Debs?
No. I miss her so much. A part of my body's been chopped off.
That is exactly the way I felt the first time they took Fiona from me. I screamed my throat raw. Tore my hair out. And I was on acid, but... awful.
I didn't neglect my baby because I was on drugs. I'm a good mom. I would never do half the shit that you did to us. What are you even doing here?
...
And so... [Grabs baseball bat off wall] We are getting your baby back.
Whoa, you sure you want to do that?
Nobody takes my fucking granddaughter.
...
[Walking to Delgado residence with bat and says to Debbie] All right, stand back, honey, 'cause it's gonna get rude. [To Delgados] Attention, residents! According to the bylaws of Public Act 94-704... [Smashes a window] The child is only granted custody to the grandparents [Smashes a flowerpot] only when the child's mother is deemed unfit by the court, [Smashes a window] which has not happened yet! Nor has the baby been... [Celia appears at door and she smashes a window] In any physical danger. Nor has the child's home been deemed hazardous by a social worker! [Smashes a microtreepot] So you have no legal right to keep Franny from her mom! [Smashes a flowerpot] So give us the fucking baby!
CCelia
I'm calling the cops!
TTanya
[Arrives with Franny in stroller] What the hell is going on?!
I'm getting my motherfucking granddaughter back! [Points bat at Tanya] Get back, bitch! Before I knock those cheap extensions right off your head! [Debbie takes stroller with Franny running with Monica] Go! Go! Go! Go! You're gonna fuckin' burn!
She's a hot piece of ass, your mother! Don't get me wrong. But within that fine mortal husk lies a rotting pile of filth, and I don't want her soiling you, so, from now on, you fight.
Yes, my son. Fight her with every muscle in your wee body, or she will drag you into her pit of despair and murder your soul. So... Remember, whenever you see the blonde woman with the green boots and the blue parka, you yell, "Stranger, danger," and kick her until an adult shows up.
So, Monica's back? Yeah, when you think you're gettin' out of here?
I don't know, man. I- I didn't plan on staying this long. I want V back, but I don't trust Lana, and V wants me back, but not without Lana, and who knows what Lana wants? We're like the "hour-obe-ras."
Snake eating its own tail. I saw a label in the Alibi.
Sure that's how you say that?
Well, whatever. We're stuck. And I don't even know who to ask for for advice. It's like the only time you see this kind of thing is on Maury Povich. Should we do that?
Yeah, he's got experts. Yeah, V wouldn't allow it. Plane tickets aren't cheap. Who's local? That bald, chubby, Richard-Pryor-lookin' dude.
I'll call him. Nothing to lose.
[Eating a steak at a fancy restaurant with Etta just staring at her burger] I could've predicted she'd bail on us. Chaos junkie. [To waiter pouring wine] Thank you, my good man. But can you blame me? That's what I fell for. She was electric. The first night I met her, she threatened to put a cigarette out on my arm. I dared her to do it. And look. After I stopped screaming from the pain, we fucked like rabbits. And from that night on, I knew I would give up everything for that woman. My God, we had fun. Listen to me. I sound like I'm still stuck on her. She burrows under my skin like a fucking tick. Evil. My God, and the years I wasted, broken up over her.
[Gets up from table] I don't know you.
Sure, you do. It's... it's me, Wendell, your poopsie.
Wendell's dead. [Walks away with Frank eyeing her purse]
She just left for the Alibi.
Hey, little Gemma. Hey, little Amy. Hey, boy from the mother I'm still pissed at.
Gemma tenderized Amy's skull with an Etch A Sketch before lunch. I think they miss their daddy.
Their daddy misses them too. Daddy also misses holding their mommy at night. One of their mommies. The other mommy, he's still confused about.
When will he figure it out?-
He doesn't know. He thinks they should get help with it.
So, I called Steve Harvey. Not the guy. The show. To see if they'd take us.
Take us where? On the air?
Yeah, kind of. He said they're focused on weddings, divorces, celebrities, obese women over 40, and may do alternative families next year, and I was like, "I can't wait that long." I got no clean drawers, "and my junk hasn't been lady-touched in a week." So they gave me phone numbers.
Marriage counselors. I don't know what else to do, V. We can't keep going around in circles like the "hour-obe-ras."
The "hour-obe-ras." That... that new tequila we got at the Alibi. It had a snake eating its own tail. We can't be the only throuple on Earth that's gone through this, right? Marriage therapists have seen this stuff all the time. They'll know what to do.
