Hey, hey, hey, birthday Franny. Hey, look what I got you from work. They let us keep stuff if it's past its expiration date. There's so much stuff that just gets thrown away into a dumpster.
Oh, great job, man. Free old cereal.
[Carl comes in door] 5-0!
Hey, I'm unarmed! Don't shoot!
Ha, ha, ha, very funny, assholes. Now, if you'll excuse me, Imma go load these bad boys up with armor-piercing rounds so I can keep the mean streets safe for fuck-heads like you guys. Watch out, Chicago! You're going down!
Why are you two sitting so far apart from each other?
[On phone] Okay, call me when you have more. [To Kevin] Elijah from the dispensary doesn't have weed either, Kev.
Whole city's run out. Another symptom of economic anxiety: everyone's self-medicating. Why are you two sitting apart?
[Quietly to Veronica] I think they're having a fight.
Saying something under your breath means "keep it quiet."
Oh, Frank! You gotta use the secret knock.
Oh, sorry. Top of the morning to you. So what you got for me to sample today in the wonderful world of weed, Master Kev, Mistress V? [Sits between Tommy and Kermit] What are... why are you guys sitting so far apart? One of you fart or something?
Jesus, fine. Sit in your own stank, for all I care.
They won't tell us either.
Oh. [Noticing turning display empty] Where are the goods?
But our suppliers are out of product now.
Ever since the 'rona, there's been a rush on weed.
They were not prepared for the demand. Everyone's out.
It's a blessing in disguise. Pot is dangerous.
[Repeatedly] No... That's impossible. There's no such thing as a rush on weed. It's in abundance.
There's three different dispensaries we use for our product. They're all out.
Dispensaries? You know what kind of a markup they've got? I can get you more product.
Marijuana's basically just a weed. The government has no more right to regulate it than they do sunflowers.
Exactly! Don't worry. I can get you more product. We can go in on this together, partners.
[Ian and Mickey are making love with Ian on top]
Take it, you dirty convict.
Thought you weren't gonna fuck me until I got a real job, huh?
Oh, I got my eyes closed, pretending you're a Jonas Brother.
Fuck you. I'm totally Nick.
[Mickey pushes Ian off him] What the...
[Gets on top of Ian] Call me Nick, you Jonas-loving slut.
Whoa, hey. The fuck you doing?
I'm gonna get you pregnant.
Come on. This isn't how we do it.
Well, it's not how we normally do it. Been watching a lot of prison porn. Kinda feel like making you my bitch.
Well, when I bottom, I power bottom, so even then, you're totally my bitch.
To whack off in the shower.
How was your first day as a cop?
Pfft, seen more action playing Minecraft on the shitter.
[Eating cereal] This stuff is delicious.
As the Willis Tower. Fringe benefit of being the Alibi's chief quality control officer and weed sommelier. Gotta fuel up for a big day of pot purchases.
[Chuckles] I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna choke her with her cargo pants until she's dead.
Still won't put on the dress?
Won't put on her dress, won't brush her hair, won't brush her teeth, won't pack her own backpack.
Why can't Little Miss Sunshine wear pants?
'Cause it's not Little Mr. Sunshine, Carl.
Sounds like gender conformity.
It's not my world, Liam. I just live in it.
Hey, look. Our new neighbors came to welcome us, even my pansy former son and his stink-dick boyfriend.
I guess the city must've made good on their threat to condemn our old house. That or the meth lab caught fire again.
Well, what are they doing here, though?
Terry's been banging the lady who owns this place for a couple of years. Calls it his plan B.
Mrs. McCurdy? She's, like, 90.
Gotta do what you gotta do, man.
That's the stench of abject poverty, son.
Actually, I think it might be those chickens.
Oh, no, those ain't chickens. Those are cocks. Like, for cockfighting?
They like it. If they don't die. It's natural for 'em. You know, it's fun.
We have to move. I don't wanna be the reason for the next Black Lives Matter march. I'll get Trayvon Martin-ed for sure if we stay here.
[A man is randomly firing off a kalashnikov assault rifle] Jesus!
Why's he shooting random shit?
[Laughs] Aw... He's playing "I Spy, You shoot."
It's a kids' game. Yeah, kid says, "I spy with my little eye that red stop sign," or whatever, and then the adult... shoot the stop sign. Get off your fucking high horses. Anybody here feel like they're the product of good parenting, raise your hand.
Okay, I don't have time for this shit. I gotta get Franny ready. Where is Franny?
Fuck it, just dump the used motor oil in the yard.
Oh, my God! Again with the back splatter?
[Scoffs] So, um... any interest in brunch?
[Sighs] Are we brunch people now?
An old teacher of mine invited us.
[Grunts] You're friends with an old teacher?
Uh, Mr. Hanisian. He just moved back from St. Louis.
I don't know. Wasting the rest of the morning eating pastries with some old dude who taught you, what, pre-algebra? History? Creative writing?
Oh. Great, maybe he can teach us how to play "Hot Cross Buns" on the recorder.
Brunch is a scam. You know that, right? Marketers literally just made up a fourth meal, and we're all supposed to go along with it?
Okay. Well, he really wanted to meet you, but I'll just tell him that you're too big of an asshole to come. [Walks away]
[Pulling up to loitering woman] Well, that must be our perp.
Yeah, she been selling squares out here forever. Is that illegal?
Look like she has a license to you?
[Leans into cruiser window] Hey there, Officer. Something I can get you? I got menthol and regular.
Oh, we're not buying. Uh, we just...
JMiss June
Gallagher. Any relation to Lip?
Yeah, he's my brother. [Laughs] He used to be my best customer.
JMiss June
I haven't seen that handsome face in a month of Sundays. Did he get busted again?
No, he actually had a baby.
JMiss June
Ugh! Them newborn babies is bad for business.
Hey. So look, unfortunately...
JMiss June
Y'all still live over there by the Washingtons?
You know the Washingtons?
JMiss June
Ooh, yeah, we used to...
[Using loudspeaker] Fucking move your ass! I catch you selling out here again, I'm busting your ass, and I'm taking you in!
JMiss June
[Walks away] Okay! Miss June respects the police. Yes, she does. All lives matter. Blue lives. Them blue lives matter. Especially them blue lives.
[To Leesie] I was doing it!
[Goes down stairs to Ian eating cereal watching Harley Quinn on TV] Hey, what you doin' today?
TJTV Joker
"It's me, dickhead," or just "me, dickhead"?
I'm just trying to find the strength to get off the couch and search for another minimum-wage, dead-end, soul-crushing job to appease my parole officer.
Yeah, well... what if I offer you a job?
As what, getaway car driver?
Come on, weed money security for the Alibi. It's your lucky day, bitch. Come on.
Yeah, thanks but no, thanks.
I'm not doing anything illegal.
Weed's legal now. Look, stop eating your weight in Froot Loops. Go get dressed. Go on.
I don't think it's a good idea for us to work together.
Oh. Oh, oh. Well, let's get this shit straight, then, 'cause it's not "workin' together." You're workin' for me, all right? I'm the boss.
First comes crime, then drugs. Then they impregnate our women, take over our schools, drain and defraud our public safety nets, and finally, the introduction of some rare, communicable diseases which they brought from whatever exotic or savage place they originally came from.
Weren't they living, like, five minutes from here?
That's beside the point. Our pure immune systems can't handle a Milkovich virus this close. It's like living right next door to a nuclear waste dump. Sooner or later, the radiation's gonna get ya. This only ends with death.
We're gonna die? For real?
Odds just shot up considerably.
Barkeep, a beer and a glass of tomato juice, please.
Of course, but that's not why. I tried to ignore the Milkovich hot spot, but yet again, science wins. Pretending a virus isn't real doesn't make it harmless.
Here's an idea. Why don't you talk to them?
No, you tried to trick them. I'm saying talk to them. Listen to their concerns. Express your concerns. Have an actual conversation.
V, you act like these are human beings.
Well, nothing else has worked. It's worth a shot.
Oh, Jesus, I don't know what's more toxic, their filth or your optimism.
What's up with the fancy outfit? Parole hearing?
No. I like to look nice for men who have nothing better to do than sit in a bar all day. Alderman sent over a list of people who didn't vote in the last election, so I am going door-to-door to get them to the polls.
You can skip my house. I'll be here.
Black people. We need to get this rent control bill passed so Black people can afford to stay in the neighborhood. Tell them to stop paying rent.
That's what the Milkoviches do.
Where do people like that come from in the first place?
The South. Once they realized they had to start picking the cotton, they migrated to the Midwest to take part in our industrial economy.
No, the Milkovich clan came here from Poland after the Polish-Russian war. For some reason, when white people lose a war, they all move to Chicago.
All right, Frank. You ready?
No. Come on, we're a team.
Exactly. That's why the Milkoviches will listen to us. We're relatable. We're not Jordan and Pippen. We're Tommy and Kermit.
I'm surprised they didn't ask you to coach the Bulls.
[Going out door] Come on.
Fine. Let's get this over with. [Finishes drink and walks after]
I think we're being followed.
We're not being followed, man. It's called traffic.
No, this guy's been behind us since we left the grow house.
"Oh, I think we're being followed, man!" [Laughs]
Yeah, and I'm the one who fucking nags, right?
Oh, come on. I'm just giving you shit.
[Van cuts in front of them with a sedan trapping them from behind]
Shit! Fuck! I fucking told you! Well, congratulations! You were right! You happy?! We gotta run!
TThug
[Aiming gun] Out, now.
All right. [Thugs opens door] God damn it. Oh.
LLou
Calm down, tough guy. I will shoot you in the nuts!
LLou
Shut up. Ain't nobody here named Lou.
I can see the fucking tattoo on your hand says Lou.
LLou
Shit. What's up, Mickey?
You're an idiot. That's what's up. Can we go now? I got shit to do, man.
I'm your cousin, asshole. Give me my bags. Get the fuck out of the way.
LLou
Sorry, man. We got a job to do.
Oh, you got a job? [Draws pistol] I do too, bitch.
LLou
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that an airsoft pistol?
LLou
That's an airsoft gun. I can see where you painted over the orange tip of the barrel. [Laughs] Can you not afford a real gun?
No, I- I have a real gun. It's just... if I get caught with it, I go to prison, and some people are very uncomfortable with that.
We're on parole! We're on parole.
LLou
[Sighs] Well, now I feel bad. Tell you what. Since you're family, we're only gonna take, uh, 1,000 bucks. All right? Can't leave empty-handed, you know. We got mouths to feed.
No, uh, yeah, thank you for being so fucking generous.
LLou
You're welcome. Hey. I'll see you at Thanksgiving.
Yeah, okay. Fuck you. [Lou and cohorts get in van and drive away with Ian flipping them off]
Unbelievable! There goes our profit for the week!
Don't make this shit like it's my fault!
I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying!
You're just saying that we should've had a real fucking gun...!
like I've been saying...!
...from the fucking beginning!
...Polack fucking family!
[Carl and Leesie walk into apparel retail store]
SShopkeeper
Thank you for coming. Damn shoplifters took a bunch of stuff.
SShopkeeper
That's one of them right there. The others ran away.
SShopkeeper
Pepper spray.
Okay, and then you tied him to a rack using belts.
I like your style. [Sighs] What's your name?
Mm. Pepper spray burn, don't it?
No? Oh, you a tough guy. Okay. All right. Well, just so you know... it only gets worse from here.
SSaquon
Ow, you're hurting me.
Move your ass. Come on, Gallagher. Come on, lady. Instead of shoplifting, how about you lift some damn weights? One thing you ain't gotta steal; food.
