Ugh! Get the fսck off me!
I'm sick of the smell of goddamn mayonnaise. It's like getting screwed by a bowl of potato salad every morning.
It's the only lube we have in this shithole.
Well, it makes me wanna gag every time you come near me.
Oh, yeah, 'cause you taking a shit every night at 8:15 is a real fսckin' bed of roses.
At least my shit gets flushed, unlike your coleslaw-smellin' dіck.
Can't be 8:30, can it? Or seven o'clock? No, Mickey has to shit every night at the exact same time. That's annoying.
NCNeighboring cell inmate
Shut up!
Is it? Is it as annoying as the way you lick your finger every single time you turn the page of whatever faggoty-ass book you're reading? Okay. "My name's Ian. I can't turn the page like a normal human being. I have to put my whole goddamn paw in my mouth."
You know what? If you actually knew how to read, maybe you'd understand, not, "Look at these fսcking [Mickey displays gesture] squiggle-dings all over this piece of paper!"
NCNeighboring cell inmate 1
Every morning, the same shit! man: You're like old women!
NCNeighboring cell inmate 2
I came to prison to get away from my parents.
NCNeighboring cell inmate 1
Not if it smells like mayonnaise.
Exactly! [Buzzer blares ]
GGuard
Let's go! Line it up!
Hey. I wanna see the warden about getting a new roommate.
GGuard
What is this, fսckin' summer camp? [Shoves Ian aside] Get your ass to breakfast!
[Calls outside bedroom door waking Frank, Mikey and Carl] Asses up if you want coffee!
[Groans] You start bonin' dudes while I was away at school?
Occasionally, if the mood strikes.
Can't two grown men share a bed together without it being sеxual?
No. [Answers phone] Go for Carl. Yeah, yeah, it's still available. All right. I'll send you the address.
Stinky, dirty, wet! [Dumps laundry on floor] Wash your own shit! You both owe me rent money.
Thirty-seven bucks a night, plus five if you'll be showering.
I'm selling my military gear to get some cash.
Electricity, gas, and water for the month is 48 bucks. Let me know if you'll be eating here. I have various meal plans available.
You don't need to pay rent, Frank. You're the patriarch of this family.
I'm keeping the coffee warm for ten minutes. Then I'm dumping it.
[Scoffs] Little Red Riding twɑt needs to understand who's boss around here.
[Walks into Liam's bedroom playing a bluesy rendition of the national anthem and turns off stereo]
Trying to figure out who I am, what's my identity... Dr. King, Dr. Dre?
[Laughs] Maybe you should set your sights lower, you know, like Tyga, Nelly, or maybe one of the Wayans brothers. Or Lester Holt.
BBuyer
I answered an ad on Craigslist. Lookin' to buy some military gear.
BBuyer
Cool. You take 75?
BBuyer
[Sighs] I figured I'd try.
BBuyer
Wait, no, no, no. Here, here. It's fine. Hundred bucks. It's all there. I promise. I'm starting ROTC in the fall. I gotta train this summer.
Mm. So what got you interested in becoming an officer? Went down to the recruiting offices, played them shoot-'em-up video games?
BBuyer
[Chuckles] Something like that. Can I have the bag?
What, the recruiters make you think you're gonna become this officer, big war hero, leading men into battle?
BBuyer
I don't know. Maybe. I guess.
They tell you that you could be one of the very few, make a difference, that you could do something your life, change your destiny? Hey, might even become a general one day.
BBuyer
My mom's gonna start worrying if I don't get home soon.
You know that's a bunch of horseshit. They don't want guys like us to enlist as officers... You know, guys from the South Side, guys who aren't very smart, kinda slow. They're just trying to fill their quota, getting us hooked on the thrill of the kill. Then they spit us out when we can't handle quantum physics or even read.
And then they leave us on the side of the road with the taste of blood in our mouths, and what do we do? We enlist as grunts. And while they get all the medals and cushy postings up in Japan and Germany, where are we, poor boys from disadvantaged backgrounds like you and me? Somalia, Fallujah, that's where. And then when we finally get sent home, it's in a body bag. Not me. Not Carl Gallagher. No, thank you. I ain't no one's human shield.
BBuyer
Can I just have my money back if you're not gonna sell me the shit? [Carl throws backpack at buyer's chest]
[In bath] Only thing left in these Oxy bottles is dust.
You have a toothbrush I can use, Frank?
They're communal. Just grab one.
The fսck is that? How 'bout we head over to that Russian bakery and snag some of those muffin samples for breakfast, huh?
No can do, partner. We gotta hit the streets, do some work.
You heard Debbie. Rent money.
You're not seriously gonna do what she told you to do, are you?
That girl's got a serious dose of her mother's crazy DNA. We come home with empty pockets, she may cut our tіts off.
[Liam walks to house and opens front door]
AAddie
Get that Cuban outta my house!
Addie! Don't be rude. You have a guest. She's harmless. Just Alzheimer's mixed with full-blown racism.
Hi, I'm Liam. I come in peace, ma'am.
AAddie
Liam? What kind of name is that? Guatemalan? Get his Guat ass outta here!
Sorry, maybe this isn't a good time for her.
MMaVar
It's me! MaVar! Your favorite great-nephew! [Laughs] What's up, little lady? Yeah! Hey, got you some doughnu- [Jerks doughnut box away as Addie reaches for it and hands it to Sue] Ah. There you go. Who's this little tyke?
She was the half-sister to Omar's cousin.
MMaVar
[Chuckles] You're Frank Gallagher's boy. Yeah, uh, listen. You're not welcome here, Liam. You gotta understand that Frank and Monica wronged this family 20 ways since Tuesday. I mean, sued Addie for a loose handrail on the porch; opened credit cards in all our names; stole our Chevy Malibu; made meth in the bathroom upstairs.
No, I get it. But I'm just the only black person in a house full of crackers. But that's not on you. Thank you for your time. [Laughs]
MMaVar
Hold up. A black man in need is a black man in need. [Sighs] I see you. And you need guidance. A Sherpa... someone like me.
MMaVar
Nope. That's- no holla. Never holla. Now, just sit your ass down.
[Carl walks up to her in parking lot oblivious to long line outside restaurant] I mean, take your time. Business meetings can start late. That's professional.
I'm sorry. I got held up at the ATM. You know, I couldn't get my breakfast sandwich. My morning's all fսckеd, and I'm hangry-
Shut up and check out that line, son. [Carl glances] All asking for tartar sauce. Drove up new business. I underestimated you. You have game.
It was easy. Middle school was having a field day. You know, three-legged-races, egg toss shit. You know, it was like taking candy from a baby. Well, here's your cut, partner. Thank you, partner.
Yo! I got a line forming in here that's longer than my grandma's tіts! Clock in, pirates!
Sorry, Lori. Yes, master.
Have fun deep-frying sh¡t in trans fats.
[Walking out of bank] Debbie used my real Social Securitymy real Social Security]] on a bank account?! Have I taught her nothing?!
Don't be so hard on yourself, Frank. Look, we've all had accounts frozen by the IRS.
What was she thinking?! I haven't used my real Social since draft-dodging in '69.
[Starts inserting bank card into ATM] Well, you can lead a horse to water, but if the camel's an idiot...
What are you doing? No, don't- don't- don't- don't- do-!
[Groans] I figured I'd give it a shot! It ate the card!
[Ranting into ATM camera] God dammit! You think this is funny, don't you, you little robot nerd in there! [Starts kicking ATM] You and your big bank Big Brother and paving the way for automation! This is horse shit!
[Holds up KFC bucket of cash to Frank sleeping on family room floor with Mikey on the couch] My pinto, Papa.
That's our money, Debbie.
It was your money until you and La Cucaracha over here stole all my shit. Now it belongs to me, along with anything else you receive for the rest of your silly, little life.
And I'm taking the rest of the cash Fiona left into buying a car, something tangible you guys can't squander.
I can see you're emotional. Let's just- I am as cool as a mοtherfսcking cucumber. Thank you for your contribution.
[Coughs] What the hell? You- you got dialysis.
I'm not 100 percent, Frank. [Frank puts hand on Mikey's forhead] I dreamed about my death last night.
Infected port. My father was there. He was shaking his head. He was disappointed. I let him down.
What more could he possibly want from a son? So many things. He worked like a dog, my dad. He had a little shoe repair shop. He'd make keys. His dying wish was that I'd become... a real businessman.
[Stammers] You wan- you wanna be a businessman? Let's make you a businessman. Rise and shine, my pal.
You can't? You think Lee Iacocca ever said "I can't"?
[Laughs] I rest my case. Come on. [Starts pulling Mikey off couch] Okay, good.
Frank': One more.
[To Debbie at kitchen table] I thought you already had a job.
I do. Well, I did, but we're on strike. And when you're on strike, you don't get paid. So now, I'm looking for another job.
An excuse not to work until management agrees to pay you more and work you less.
[Kicking beer bottles while entering kitchen with Freddie] Fսcking Frank.
But the Union still wants us to walk around for four hours a day with a sign, chanting shit.
[Referring to picket signs behind Debbie] Is that what those are for?
Yeah. [To Lip getting milk products out of fridge] Hi.
What? No, no, no. That thing really made an impression on people, huh?
[In a city park of downtown financial district] Well, here we are.
What does this have to do with being a businessman?
If you're gonna go into business, the first thing you're gonna need is capital. Wait. Today is your lucky day. Me and my friend here, we're the wish granters. So, if you really want your wish to come true, you're gonna wanna give that coin to me. But only if you want the wish to come true.
Absolutely. That's why we're here. Scrape up all the coins in the fountain so we can make all the wishes come true. What do you wish for?
My dog Steve ran away. I wish he'd come home.
Well, put food in his bowl, 'cause Steve will be home before you know it.
Nah, I don't believe in stuff like that.
Make a wish. What can it hurt? Plus, we're just gonna wade in and get it. [Plops in coin] You wish you were a businessman?
Too bad. You should have wished for a new port. Oh, well. See those guys over there? These squares. Expense account, healthcare. Look at that breakfast burrito, size of a baby. [Chuckles] Those guys are suckers.
I wanted to be like them. I went to college and everything, job...
No, shit?! You went to college?! Me too. Northwestern. Malcolm X. Good school. Community college, but... What happened?
I told you what happened. I bought a Blockbuster video store with my pop, lost everything, the muffler shop, the car, the house. My father committed suicide.
Shit. That sounds... depressing. But today's a new day. You wanna be a businessman? You gotta think like a businessman.
I have no idea what that means.
It means we're gonna need some new threads.
WWoman
I actually started boiling some cabbage.
PPaige
You're new. What's your name?
Uh, me- Lip. I got a baby, uh, boy.
PPaige
Welcome. This is a safe space.
GGina
Totally. Does your wife work or...
Oh, no, we're- we're not married, actually.
Um. Yeah, she's still in the hospital, um...
PPaige
Oh, I'm so sorry. What happened?
A C-section. Uh, there were some complications.
PPaige
Hope she makes it.
Yeah, she's, uh- she's out of ICU. She's getting better.
PPaige
Poor thing. Can I bring you dinner?
No. Thank you, though. That's very nice.
PPaige
You sure? Yeah, yeah. No. I'd be happy to.
GGina
You don't want that dinner. Woman can't warm up a Hot Pocket. Let me give you my number in case you need anything.
Anything. What's your number?
PPaige
My number is: I like anal.
Hey, whoa. Thank you, Paige.
SSarah
Okay, why don't we get started? We're here because being a new parent is hard. Being a new parent while trying to stay sober- Harder than my dіck at a Bublé concert. Point is, as a sober mother myself, I know what you're going through. All you wanna do is drink a fifth, house a lasagna, and hide in a dumpster until that baby stops crying. [Sniffles] Sarah: And that's why we're here, to learn how to raise strong, independent children, and to take care of ourselves. I have three beautiful children, and last week, I read a book.
GGina
You fսcking kidding me?
PPaige
How do you have the time?
SSarah
You know, Paige, I put myself first. That's how. In the words of Gandhi; "fսck everybody". Self-sufficient children are happy children.
MMegan
[At a grocery store] Debbie? It's Megan.
MMegan
Oh, shit. Hey. Last time I saw you, you were getting dragged out of D-Hall. [Scoffs] Assholes. What's that green thing?
That's what a mango looks like?
MMegan
Yeah, you know, it's different baby daddies.
Oh, my gosh, damn. How do you afford to feed 'em all? You marry rich?
Megan': I got a good lawyer. It's child support, and all the fathers contribute.
MMegan
Some more than others, obviously. So, like, the more they give me in child support, the better clothes I get for the kid.
MMegan
Yeah, that's why Moesha is wearing Ralph Lauren, and is Chip is wearing shit from Goodwill.
MMegan
Chip, you get what Daddy pays for. Is this Franny?
MMegan
Hey. What's going on here with these clothes? Is Derek, like, a deadbeat dad?
No. I mean, he offered to pay child support, but he wanted partial custody. So I said "No."
MMegan
Shared custody is a godsend. It's a free babysitter. Let him have the kid one night a week. That's when you go out. You bust out your humps. You go to a bar, and you get that pie cream.
Yeah, I think I know what you mean.
MMegan
You gotta earn that sperm. A sperm deposit is a bank deposit.
MMegan
Either way, I would definitely revisit the Derek situation. Milk him for everything you can get. Thanks. Oh, my God. Look at that fine-looking Jew. You know that man has a good job. I gotta go.
Okay, good seeing you, Megan.
Hi. I'm taking up a collection to place fresh flowers on great Aunt Addie's grave. Would you like to make a contribution?
...
MMaVar
Hey, wait up. Hey, man, I saw what you did back there. Collecting money for fresh flowers? I want you to know I respect that a lot. You know, I know a good florist who can get us a bunch of flowers for a good price.
MMaVar
What? Why would you do that?
MMaVar
So do the people who gave it to you. You lied to them. Look, I- I been nothing but nice to you. Welcomed you with open arms. Don't you get it? We're family. But it's like the nicer I am to you, the nastier you get Why?
MMaVar
You don't know. What, you gonna tell me you can't help it? It's in your nature or some bullshit like that? No. I can't believe I wasted a single second on you. I believed in you. You're part of our family, and because of that, we would do anything for you anything. And you just spit in our faces. Don't you get it? Family is everything! And you finally get the chance to have one, and you just throw it all away. Well, you know what, Liam? Fuck you! [Walks away]
[Jabs index finger pointing] There it is. I knew it. You are from the South Side.
MMaVar
[Softly laughs and walks back] You think I like saying stuff like that? I don't curse. I hate saying things like that. Oh, well. I hate Gallaghers, man. You motherfuckers bring out the worst in everybody. What, you proud of that?
Hey, man, I know who I am.
