TV show quotes
[On phone] Hi, how's it going?
I dropped him in a pile of beer bottles. Broken glass everywhere. Franny's giving him mouth-to-mouth, but it's not looking good.
That why he's screaming?
He's screaming because he's a baby, Lip. Bye. [Hangs up and makes a totally unimpressed face]
Hey. How was prison? Turn you gay?
Yeah, I'm a big ol' cock hound now. You know, if you weren't my brother, I'd-
Shut the fսck up and get out here.
It's crème brûlée, actually. Got one of these vape things from Carl. Trying to quit smoking for Fred.
Aren't those things worse for you?
Yeah, you know they market these to kids, you know? Bastards would have one in Fred's hand if he could hold anything bigger than a rattle.
Where is the little guy, huh?
May or may not be lying in a pile of glass. Huh? He's with Tami. She wanted to take care of him alone today.
Oh. Sorta hoping you'd bring him.
Yeah, I would have felt better if I did. Tami's not exactly a natural caretaker. But, hey, what do you wanna do, huh? Wanna get some White Castle or...
Ah, you know, actually, just want to head home, see everybody, meet the kid. I missed everyone.
Soft bitch.
The fսck you got a lady car?
Well, it's Tami's car. It's kinda cute, though, right?
Oh, we're saying words like, "cute" now, are we, Pops, huh? Yeah, we're saying words like "cute."
Has anyone seen my breast pump? This baby refuses to eat! God, my boobs are gonna explode.
[Showing phone] And this is me at target practice. I kept lining my sight up all wrong, but then Mitch helped me and- Uh, are you listening to me?
[Looks over to Anne] Yeah, uh-huh.
What's with you and JLo?
Who, Anne?
Uh-huh. She's just a friend from work. He shit again. Why is Anne here?
'Cause we're hiding her from ICE. Her family's gonna get deported to one of those facilities south of Texas. And I think I'm, like, a Democrat now or something.
Democrat? [Laughs and starts to embrace Carl] You're so funny, Carl!
[Speaks Spanish] My God, it's hot with the stove going.
Can Amalia still watch Franny today?
Anne: Yep.
Cool. [Tami throws a soiled diaper into trashcan and all exclaim]
Ew!
Oh, grow up, you guys. We all poop.
Yeah, we don't all change our shit-filled underwear in the kitchen.
I've done it. It's closer to the washing machine. Just drop that dirty sucker in there. One of ya hits wash eventually.
Hey, what's with the backpack?
It's for carrying things, genius.
It's Franny's. If I find any sеx or drսg paraphernalia in there, I'll kill you in your sleep, Frank.
[Debbie enters Alibi Room and sits at table of Pepa] Where's Franny? I can't wait to see her. Derek loved her so much.
Cut the bullshit, Pepa. Derek didn't give two shits about Franny, and neither do you.
What? I can't wait to see how she's grown up. I mean, with a genius like you for a mother, I'm sure she'll be able to read by the time she's 15.
I know what you're doing.
What am I doing?
You think I'd rather lose my fair share of Derek's death benefit than let you have Franny. Joke's on you, bitch. Franny will be there tomorrow on time as scheduled. And, as per our agreement, I want my check posthaste. And I'll want Franny to call me "Mom."
Hey. Where you think you're going?
Just taking the infirmary biowaste trash to the truck, like always.
Not today. Budget crunch. Biowaste truck service and a whole bunch of other shit cancelled immediately.
So what you want me to do with all this medical waste then? This shit deadly, boss. Even the AIDS in this thing got AIDS.
Just dump it in the incinerator. Call it a day.
Incinerator?
Yep. Burn all that shit up. I'll escort you over there.
[Bangs loudly in wheelie bin] Hey, there! Get me the fսck outta here! [Guard opens wheelie bin to discover Mickey who holds up syringe] Found it.
I don't keep money in there anymore, Frank, not after last time.
You kids got any formal wear with soul? All of this stuff looks like the garb of a colonizer, and I got a follow-up with the Okafurs. Aha. A little cultural awareness on my side of the table can't hurt. Are you busy today?
I'm gonna help Todd edit his highlight reel-
So no. Congratulations. I hereby appoint you the Gallagher special diplomatic envoy to Nigeria. Your first duty: help me sell a baby.
[Walking with Tami pushing Freddie in a stroller] Hey, you think maybe we went a little overboard? I mean, well, it is summer.
Well, I guess I could take off the parka.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right. What? What? No, I'm-- I'm happy we're doing this together.
Me too.
All right. There they are. They're gonna hate me.
What? Why did I agree to this again?
Hey, look, you'll be fine. All right? I'll make the intro, then I'll take off. You can connect mom-to-mom. You know, just... share your mom stuff. [Lip greets other woman of support group and introduces Tami to them]
You mad at me or something?
No. Mad at myself for crushing on you.
You have a crush on me?
Calmate, (Take it easy) past tense)).
Why?
Um, Kelly?
Yeah, but having Kelly around just made me realize how much I like you. We're keeping it strictly business from now on. And we gotta get out of your house.
You were only being nice to us so you could get in my pants.
Where will you go?
I don't know.
Our block is still crawling with ICE dudes. Sent a couple tios (uncles) over there to check it out, and they got picked up. Might have to live on the streets for a little bit.
Like, be homeless? Anne, come on. We'll be fine.
What's going on?
He says we can't sell here no more. Okay?
[Speaks Spanish] This is our corner. Other tamale business must stop immediately. I'm asking nicely for now, but next time it'll be alot less friendly.
[Speaks Spanish] This is our corner. So I think you better go back to whatever rodeo you escaped from before you piss me off for real. [In English] Okay? [Thug's other compadres show up and demolish the tamale stand]
Hey! Stop it! Let me go!
Come on, tactical retreat. Live to fight another day.
Oh, thank goodness you're here.
I know you?
No. This bus stop is so dark. Yeah, a couple of streetlights are out. Have been ever since my Emeril was still alive.
Really?
Hmm. He passed in 2002. Oh. I'm Ester.
Carl. I'm not usually out this late. Was celebrating my birthday.
My sister got me this.
Oh, wow. That's really nice.
[Chuckles] I'm 75 years young today.
Holy shit! Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, don't worry. I can swear with the best of them too.
[Bus stops by] Oh, you need a hand?
This isn't my bus. I'm a number 15.
Oh. You go. Sure?
Get the fսck out of here! [Both laughs] See? What'd I tell you? Nice to meet you, Carl. Take care.
Your purse!
Stop the bus! That woman's getting robbed! Ester!
Not a chance. Call 911 if you want.
Come on, stop the bus!
Shut up.
[Gunfire erupts] Hey, let me out! Open the doors! Oh, hey! Come on!
Sit down. Come on!
Bus driver': I ain't stopping, man. I have a schedule to keep.
Ester...
Why isn't he a teenager yet who can just feed himself? You know, maybe we can get him one of those, uh, you know, gerbil bottle things. You know, rig it up to the side of his crib.
[To Carl waking up from a nightmare] Keep your wet dreams to yourself, son.
Saw an old lady get shot at the Ashcroft bus stop last night.
Who hasn't been shot at that bus stop?
I wanted to help her. It happened so fast. Bus driver wouldn't stop.
If you made ten bucks an hour, you wouldn't stop either.
You know, the streetlights were out.
We have streetlights?
Yeah, she said they were out for the past 15 years.
No surprise there.
Why doesn't the city fix them?
[Chuckles] Oh, that's adorable. Can I wear this tank top?
That's not a tank top.
It will be now.
Debbie Gallagher, come get your kid!
Hey, Pepa. What's going on? Supposed to pick her up tonight.
Yeah, well, here's your demon child. She set my couch on fire, ate a pound of raw hamburger meat, and bit off the tip of my son's middle toe.
Oh, my goodness. That does not sound like my sweet Franny bear at all.
Cut the horseshit, Debbie. You know, you're the worst mother on the planet. You don't think that's kind of cruel?
No, I don't think.
Here's your death benefit money. I never wanna see you or your Children of the Corn daughter ever again.
Don't be a stranger, Pepa! You're welcome back for dinner sometime!
Hey, what was all that about? And who is this?
Derek's wife, Pepa, tried to screw me out of Derek's death benefit, so Bella over here was pretending to be Franny so I could get my share of Derek's money.
I followed none of that, and I'm too tired to care.
Here. Hi! Come here. Good girl. Right there. Bella! We're not at Pepa's house anymore. We don't eat like animals here. Spoon.
This everything?
As much as I could find.
Hey, anybody, uh, kind of...brown come around the house looking for me?
No.
Good. How is everyone, anyway?
[Laughs] Same. Your brothers are idiots. Least once a week, one of them gets drunk, crawls into my bed, and tries to get something off of me.
Fսck 'em, chop their nuts off next time they try it.
Or I could stay here with you. Have fun like we did when we were kids. [Grabs his crotch]
Jeez! You know that's messed up, right?
Not like we're related.
We are totally related. We're fսcking cousins! And you're gay.
Fine, whatever.
Plus, he's taken.
Oh, right, you.
Yeah, good to see you too, Sandy. Bathroom's all yours.
Hey, I had shampoo and sh¡t. Is there soap anywhere?
You've been gone for years. You think your brothers would save that shit for you?
You can use mine. We'll hit Costco later. I'm getting paid.
I can't, man. PO texted me when you were in the shower. He's got a job for me.
Give me a list of s*** for me you need and I'll pick it up for you.
Isn't that cute. Little domestic b******.
Mm, thank you.
Oh, and one of us has to go to the store today and get more diaper cream 'cause his rash is now halfway up his back.
Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me. [Laughs]
Wait. Wait. You said it's worse than yesterday.
What?
Fred's rash.
Uh, no, it's fine.
Hey. No.
His ass is fine. And your ass is fine. [Giggles]
Yeah. It's just--sorry. It's just, the new daycare says they can't take him if he's sick.
It's diaper rash. It's not the bubonic plague. All babies have diaper rash.
Okay. [Tami giggles] Mm, maybe we should get it checked out, though.
[Groans] Lip.
[Sighs] Well... I mean, we need the cash so we can afford daycare. Doesn't that seem a little ass-backwards?
No. Ass-backwards is the Gallagher method, where the next-oldest kid just keeps kind of a vague eye on the rest of the herd.
Well, it's free.
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