[Veronica is smoking out a very thick blunt]
Saging. I read it'll help get that backstabbing cunt's bad juju out of our house. Is that what you're wearing?
It's a machine parts company. You don't wear loafers operating a drill press.
You're applying for a job. You want to make a good impression.
Not just any job. A man's job. I let Svetlana...
Don't you even think of saying her name. You know what to call her.
I'm sorry. I let that backstabbing cunt take my balls. Well, my nanny days are over. I'm gonna support this family and I'm gonna get my balls back. Here, take a look at this.
Kev, you misspelled "résumé" on your résumé.
What about the rest of it?
What rest of it? There's only one line.
Well, I only had one job. And I've never written one of these before.
You gotta beef it up. Sometimes people write their goals.
You want me to tell them I want to make as much money doing as little work as possible?
We got enough to last us for a while.
Hey, did any bartending gigs come up on the alert thingie on your phone?
Yeah, but only at fancy places. You gotta be a certified mixologist.
Remember all a bartender had to do was pour a shit and tap a keg? Now you can't even work behind a bar without knowing how to make a :Veronica: Campari-fennel aperitif.
Yeah, who puts fennel in their drink? What is fennel?
CChad
It's gonna be a Jamba Juice. Cool, huh?
Yeah, it's really awesome watching you guys tear apart everything I built.
CChad
Too late for second thoughts.
I just came from the bank. I deposited the check. Although I took a picture of it first so I can put it on my wall.
CChad
Feel good paying off the mortgage?
I didn't think you guys were gonna tear the place apart so soon.
CChad
We're hosting happy hour. Workers start the remodel tomorrow.
CChad
Mm. South Side Young Professionals.
[Attacking construction worker] Get your hands off my washer! Thief!
CChad
Guessing you didn't tell her yet.
No, I did. A couple of times. She's got no short-term memory.
MMan
Lady, stop, please. I gotta work.
It's not easy ripping someone from their home of 50 years.
CChad
You get used to it.
CWConstruction worker
Come on. Come on.
[Attacking him with a broom] You silly ass!
CWConstruction worker
Jesus, lady!
Okay, Etta, Etta, calm down.
Call the police. They're taking everything.
I know, I know. Come on, let's sit down.
What the hell's going on?
We talked about this yesterday and last night. We have to leave.
'Cause there's asbestos in the walls. And the city found out and they want to shut us down.
That fucking Mayor Daley. First he hands the White House to that goddamn Catholic, and now this crap.
We gotta get you out of your apartment. Just for a few days. You can come home with me.
[Gasps] I can stay with you, Sandy?
Yep. I got a room all ready for you.
Oh! Oh, we'll have fun. We can go out on the town and let the boys feel us up on the dance floor.
[Pouring out stolen goods on table] Oh. Motel orgy loot.
Frank, give Debbie a wallet. Or better yet, give her a ring. For their wedding.
Aww, that is so romantic. I lost mine years ago.
Let's see how this one looks on you, my love. I think it's a real diamond.
Wow. I wonder how much Raoul's gonna give us for it. We can't sell this.
Why not? It's the best of the bunch.
No. It fits like a glass slipper. That should never leave your finger. Monica Jean Darrgen...
But what about getting money for the kids?
Let's give the kids something more valuable than money. An example of real love.
And then we'll go back to work tomorrow?
Sure. Today we proclaim how we feel before God and the whole world.
Pretty sure the whole world doesn't care.
Pretty sure God doesn't either.
Will you make me the happiest man in the world?
[Carl is doing obstacle course at boot camp]
DSDrill Sergeant
Go! Move it, move it, move it! Go! Come on, now, move it, girls! Move your asses! Oh, you are pitiful! Move it! Look at you! I've never seen a more pitiful group of would-be soldiers in my life! Move it! Up and over! Cut through! Hop to it! Get your asses in the dirt, you maggot! Let's move it!
Uh, I only saw her for a second when they were putting her in the ambulance.
She shit herself? People shit themselves when they die. That's why they put diapers on psycho killers before they give 'em the lethal injection.
I touched her when they put her in the ambulance. She was still warm.
Could have still been dead. Body only loses a couple degrees of heat an hour after you kick it.
Lots of things in the body are still alive. Hair, the skin, the nails, all the bacteria in your guts. And you don't start to swell up for at least a couple of days, and then your eyes pop out, skin falls off, then you explode.
What? [Veronica motions eyes to senior woman across waiting room]
CDr. Caughey
Monica your mother?
Yeah. Um, Fiona. Philip and Debbie.
CDr. Caughey
Hi. Your mother came in unresponsive. We made every attempt to revive her but we were unsuccessful.
CDr. Caughey
No, uh, she died from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. A blood vessel in her brain burst.
[Wakes up] You smell bacon? [Goes to kitchen to see Carl] Hey, Carl. Oh, my God. Hi! [Hugs Carl] Wow!
Holy shit, it's Lieutenant Dan! Come here, man. [Hugs Carl] Oh, I gotta salute you now or something?
Where did you get all this stuff?
I stopped by the Aldi on the way from the train station.
Well, why didn't you just call me? I could have picked you up.
Look at those stripes and ribbons! [Hugs Carl and lifts him up] You're a general now? Hey, Cadet Corporal, get to kick some lazy freshman ass.
Everybody, is scrambled all right?
[Comes in side door with a box of doughnuts] Just the neighbors, bringing 10,000-calorie sugar bombs.
Yo, Carl! [Comes in side door and laughs] Look at you! The ghetto ninja warrior! Should I be afraid, your hands licensed to kill now? What's up?
Carl! Hey, you're home. Hey. Neil, Carl's back.
Anybody up for going to the mortuary with me later, figure out what to do with Monica?
We can't just leave her there?
Uh, called in sick the last couple of days. I gotta work.
Yeah, I got something I have to do this morning, then I got my shift over at Patsy's.
I can come. With the Alibi gone, I've got nothing but time.
What happened to the Alibi?
Svetlana stole it from them.
Russian KGB sneaky Putin shit. I'm working at the Fairy Tail now.
I'm making "beau-coo" tips. Ancient queens love the impossible-to-get thing. Even more Benjamins to be had if I let the old dudes give me hand jobs.
[Struggling to help Neil in the washroom] Little help here.
I mean, a hand's a hand, right?
Uh, I don't know. I prefer the hands yanking my Johnson to be soft, petite, and wearing nail polish.
Oh, there's plenty of that over at the Fairy Tail.
Why don't I just pick him up and you pull out his thing? Feel good to piss standing up again won't it, big man?
[Appears in family room] Monica's dead.
[Sits on couch] What's with the outfit?
You're going through her stuff? What the hell is this? [Picks up key off coffee table]
Some key to an old apartment.
36 and Racine. That's that storage place. 36th and Racine. The shitty one that they stuck in the old Buick dealership.
Monica had a storage unit?
Why don't we just use the front door, Frank?
Too many cameras out there. There's only one camera over the gate here. The 2884 on the key must be the code to open the gate.
What the hell is going on, Frank?
Your mother told me she had something valuable for you kids but that it might be dangerous to try to retrieve it.
On a scale of one to ten?
Said the DEA could be involved.
The Drug Enforcement Agency?
Too risky, the Feds could prosecute you as an adult. Carl?
Really? You seem younger. Liam, you know your numbers?
Oh, he won't do serious time if shit goes down. Come here. Looky here. You see that little black box? It's got numbers on it, just like on a telephone. Go punch in 2884. What're you looking at them for? Go. It's okay. Go, go, go.
There's got to be something that you can do. You can't just let her win.
Kev went to go see that lawyer you used about suing, but he said it'll take years.
The Alibi is yours, not Svetlana's. It's not right.
Where's Carl? Wasn't he coming?
Yeah, I texted him the address.
Isn't she here illegally? You were never legally married to the bitch, right? She was already married to her dad.
Yvon. Wasn't really her dad.
So? Call Immigration on her commie ass. They'll ship her back to Mongolia or wherever.
[Frank, Debbie, Carl and Liam are sneaking along into the storage unit facility and come upon their unit door]
[Whispers] Get back. It may be booby-trapped.
Jesus, was she living here?
If she was, she was living here with a dude.
[Picks up sewing box and opens it to reveal several bags of meth] Your inheritance.
CConnie
Have you had a chance to consider what sort of arrangements you'd like to make for your loved one?
Yeah, how do we get her into the ground as soon as possible?
CConnie
Ah. Are you Jewish?
CConnie
We offer memorial packages for families of all faiths.
Unless you offer something for narcissistic hedonists, let's focus on fast and cheap.
CConnie
This is our most popular affordable package, the "Dearly Beloved." It's all inclusive. Preparation of the body, classic series casket, viewing, gravesite preparation, burial, and a lovely engraved granite headstone.
CConnie
The "Everlasting Love." Preparation of the body, no viewing, wooden casket, engraved granite plaque, gravesite preparation, and burial.
CConnie
The "Eternal Peace." Preparation of the body, cremation, and a decorative urn for your loved one's ashes.
[Scoffs] What can I give me for $500 or less?
CConnie
A cardboard refrigerator box and a gallon of gasoline in our parking lot out back.
CConnie
No love lost, huh?
It was... an eventful childhood. Okay, Connie. Connie, no bullshit.
What's the cheapest way I can get this woman into the ground?
CConnie
[Takes deep breath and sighs] No embalming, we keep her in the fridge until we can cremate her and give you back the ashes in what is essentially an old coffee can. $750.
[Veronica enters Alibi Room disapproving of how Svetlana has transformed the bar to proselytize Russian culture]
What the hell happened in here?
Halfprice drinks to anybody who can order in Russian.
It took me a week to learn pivo pozhaluysta, and I still think I'm saying it wrong.
She only plays Red Army parades on the TV. Won't even change it for the Sox games.
So... you come back. It's about time. We need to talk.
No shit. I want you to do the right thing.
Svetlana Which is what?
Then no. You and big, handsome Kevin husband. are stupid people. You need caring for like babies.
We trusted you, and you lied to us.
You would have lost the bar. You would have lost everything. You didn't pay taxes for two years. I stayed up all night doing books while you two sleep. You should be in here thanking me instead of whining like little baby. You want to go back to old way, fine. Otherwise, get your chorny ass out of my bar. [Veronica punches Svetlana who retaliates with Veronica headbutting her which which escalates into a fight with them both rolling on the floor]
Should we try to stop them?
Not until some clothes come off.
Nope, V, I'm done with it. No more pointless sex bent over a dirty sink in a club bathroom or scraping my ass on a rusty alley dumpster with my underwear pushed down around my ankles. [To man staring at her] Eat your quinoa. [To Veronica] A few weeks ago, I had this joker. He comes, and then he bursts out crying. Turns out his wife had just dumped him. I was stuck there for, like, an hour consoling him, when all I really wanted was to go home to my own bed.
You could have just left.
What kind of person would I be if I just left him there like that?
The kind of person who uses Tinder to intentionally avoid intimacy on an almost daily basis.
It's not daily. I just... I can't be that person who wakes up in the wet spot of some guy whose name I can't even remembers again.
I would kill for a wet spot. With Kev on nights and me on days, we barely see each other, much less make a mess in the sheets.
What if I run over Svetlana with Kevin's truck? It'd be vehicular manslaughter, right? I'd get, what, eight years? Probably do four. I could do four years.
It's enough already with the "killing Svetlana" fantasies.
Tragic bathroom slip and fall? I hide in the shower, hit her on the top of the head with the toilet lid. Make it look like an accident.
If you're here to meet the gas company, he's been and gone.
Nah. I let him in. He checked the meter and split.
You're welcome. I do a lot of things around the building. Lightbulbs, clogged toilets, leaky faucets, stuff like that. The previous owner didn't do shit.
Handy, but not a man. Nah, I'm an accountant. United Airlines. What about you? Where are you from? Humboldt Park? Bucktown? Making a small real estate play to jazz up your 401k?
Hardly. I'm South Side, through and through. You?
Immigrant from distant shores... Oak Brook.
That's nice. What brings you down here to live among the great unwashed?
I'm a pilgrim escaping gender persecution. Local country club ladies weren't too pleased with my choice of dance partners. So have you met any of the other tenants yet?
Well, the old lady with cancer and cats has been living in 1C since the South seceded from the Union. Vet with PTSD in 2D always has really good weed. And the junkie couple in 1D fight a lot and occasionally set shit on fire. And the woman with the couple dozen kids from a couple dozen different dads in 1A. The kids are a terror.
Think it's too late to ask the bank for my deposit back?
So are you gonna move in here yourself or rent this one out?
Not sure. Area's up and comin'.
Urban homesteaders and all that.
Yeah. Lincoln Square lumberjacks are definitely migrating south.
Cool, I'm not looking. And you're not my type anyway.
Blonde and bitchy. I'm a masochist... Not physical pain, but emotional turmoil is my thing.
Hello, sir. May I have your ticket?
MMan
I lost it, but I've only been here a couple minutes.
Lost ticket pays full price, sir. $24, please.
MMan
I'm not giving you $24.
We take Visa, Mastercard, and American Express.
MMan
I came in ten minutes ago, right there beside you. You didn't see me?
My job requires that I focus on the exiting vehicles. Have you tried retracing your steps, see if you can find where you may have lost your ticket?
MMan
I'm not retracing anything, bitch. Take the goddamn money.
Please watch your language, sir.
MMan
My language? You want me to get out of this truck and fuck you up?
No, sir. I don't. Because if you were to get out of your truck, I would have to tase you and then superglue your mouth and eyelids shut until the police arrive. Now, will that be cash or credit, sir?
