TV show quotes
Hi, I'm Frank Gallagher. I'm here to make amends. In 1995, I think I broke into your house and stole your TV.
I didn't live here in 1995.
Really?
No.
Could've been, '96? Did anyone ever try to rob you?
Woke up to a guy trying to climb in bed with me once.
No. That wasn't me. Wait, did you used to be a redhead?
Aldo.
Been a while.
I'm here to make amends. January 1989. You and I were under the freight tracks.
Jesus, Frank, '89? We'll be here till Christmas. Get to the more recent shit.
Really?
How about the shit the statute of limitations hasn't run out on yet?
How long is that?
Seven years for everything except murder and kidnapping.
All right, um... November 2010. We were at 63rd Street Beach doing glue. Mad Dog and you had blacked out. I had shit my pants, so I stole yours.
That was you?!
Yeah.
You're a fucking asshole.
Don't I know it. January 2011. Remember that little dog you used to have?
[Unfurls the American flag in the backyard and hoisting it up on a pole á la official Army morning ritual wearing cammo fatigues and then turns to camera] America first, motherfuckers.
Thank God for the new bourgie tenant moving in. Everyone is late with their rent except you and the guy in 2C?
Yep. Get used to it. Deadbeats in this building never paid what's-his-ass on time either.
And he didn't do anything about it?
That loser only cared about using this place to get laid. He was like a walking ad for HPV.
Guess I better get checked for HPV.
Ryan? No, you didn't.
Do you love me any less?
[Chuckles] Nah, I brought home a few nasty girls BM.
Before Mel.
[Fiona and Ness chuckles] Just toss out whoever hasn't paid their rent and start over.
Nah, I've been late on the rent before. I wanna give everyone a chance to pay.
Sack up. It's business. [Gets up and starts to walk away, turns to Fiona] I expect the druggies, the hoarder, and the mom with 72 kids to be out of here by the time I get back.
Mm-hmm. Have a good day, dear.
[Enters kitchen] Smells good. I like Corporal Carl in the kitchen.
Doesn't taste half bad, either.
[Referring to Lip's plate portion] Eating for two? A boy or a girl, huh? [Rubs Lip's belly]
I'm just trying to fight the urge to drink with extreme nausea.
Sounds healthy.
Hey, I could try to move your meth today.
About time. I'll go get it.
Hey, it's not like there's an eBay for this. Shit takes time.
Yo, yo, yo. What up, homeboys? Lip, you're 21, right?
I'm 23, but that's fine.
You're in the ballpark.
Why?
What would another 21-year-old wear to a- a job interview?
Well, a fucking 52-year-old who was in a delusional crack haze thinking he was 21 would wear the green shirt that doesn't belong to him.
I was gonna pick the same one. Young minds think alike.
You got a job interview?
What, are you looking to collect disability again, Frank?
That was the old Frank. This Frank is different. I wish you kids could've known me before Monica coiled her body around my neck, choked to death the man I was meant to be. You're about to witness the rebirth of a proactive member of society.
Jesus.
[Walks to exterior ironwrought door of apartment with children running amok] Come on.
Hi.
Uh, yeah?
Hi, I'm Fiona Gallagher. How are you? I'm the new landlord.
[Child screams] Hey!
Uh, your rent was due on the first.
Shut up!
It's the sixth.
Shut up! Your father didn't get his crack ass incarcerated, I might have money for the nice landlord lady!
Do you know when you might have it?
Uh, I'm working a shift at the Private Peak Hotel tonight, so I'll ask my manager to give me an advance.
Is that the place on Cermak?
That's the one, yeah.
I used to work there too. Housekeeping.
No shit. That's what I do. Yeah.
Yeah, wow. Now look at you. Really making something of yourself. I just got lucky. I mean, I raised my five brothers and sister myself.
Oh, how about that? We're like two peas in a motherfuckin' pod.
[Kid bangs] Fuck! James Jr.! You better put that lamp down. Don't crack it over your sister's head again. Better go before these demonseeds kill each other.
All right, I'll come back tomorrow.
Oh, good. See you tomorrow. [Closes interior door]
Nice talking to you.
[Ian takes bag of meth from Lip] Hey, just-- just give that back a sec. What the fuck's with you?
It's the last thing she left us. Once it's gone, so is she.
It's crystal meth. What, are you getting sentimental?
Eh, just kinda hit me. I don't know.
Jesus.
[Carl takes bag from Ian] Hey!
For that, I'm taking a bigger percentage. A dipshit cut.
[Shoves middle finger against Carl's face] Gotta get to work. [Goes out door]
You don't have much in the way of work history.
Been a stay-at-home dad most of my life.
It says that you sold cars for a period of time.
Yes. Not in a lot or anything. These were cars I acquired.
Tell me about this, uh, recycling center you worked at.
[Chuckles] "Worked at" may be an overstatement. I collected cans.
And this Kroger's job you held for, what... [laughs] ...six hours, huh?
In the butcher department. Sliced my hand first day. I-I got disability.
Mr. Gallagher, it seems that you're not really interested in holding down a job, so why enter the, um, workforce at this age?
I lost my wife a few months ago.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I'm not. What you are looking at, Mr. Adeeb, is a man who changed himself for the love of a bad woman. She turned me into a scoundrel. I found loopholes in the system. I skirted the man. I sent a big "eff you" to society. And now that she's dead, I'm-I'm ready to go back to who I was: an upstanding citizen, someone who respects community, a butterfly emerging from a chrysalis, forever changed. I pledge to you, Mr. Adeeb and to all the other members of this big fat marble we're on, I will never let a woman change who I am again.
[Inhales sharply and sighs]
You all right?
[Grunts, sighs] When I was at Harvard Med School, I... I fell in love with this... [sniffles] waitress at Legal Seafoods. Amy Schwartzman.
A Jew?
Mm. She wanted to move back to Chicago. So I quit school, followed her, proposed. She said yes, if I converted. So I took off the turban, cut my hair... and changed my name to Jerry.
Come on!
I was Jerry Singh-Schwartzman for 15 years.
Get out of here.
Now I'm divorced four months. I'm trying to... reclaim my old identity now. [Frank extends arm for a fistbump and Mr. Adeeb honors it]
Right on, brother. - Mm.
No one comes here and tells you the truth. Honesty's all you'll get from me. Then I want you on my team. I believe in second chances. Welcome to Lumber Lawn and Lighting, Mr. Gallagher.
I won't let you down.
Crystal, it's Fiona. Don't run. I just wanna talk.
Hi. What?
I'm not gonna evict you, don't worry.
Okay.
But you gotta meet me halfway. Can we come up with a plan together?
Like what?
Well, you can't live here for free. Would you be able to give me something? Maybe half the rent now, half in a week or two?
I guess I could do that.
That's great!
Yeah, I'll get my checkbook. [Closes door and then reopens moments later handing Fiona a check]
Okay. I understand how difficult and stressful this can be. I've been in your position many times. Have you thought about signing the kids up for camp? It's free over by the park and maybe you could pick up a few more shifts at the hotel?
Yeah, I'll think about that. Okay.
No more ditching me, okay?
You got it. [Closes door]
"Paid to the order of the cock-guzzling, sellout bitch landlord." One cent?! Hey! Fuck you!
You wanted to see me, boss?
Yes, please. Come in. Have a seat. I'm onto you.
Excuse me?
You're not interested in being a Lumber Lawn and Lighting employee, are you? [Frank is dreading] You're here to become management. [Frank becomes jovial] One step at a time, my friend. I'm impressed by your work ethic and your dedication. That's why I'm making you the Garden Department Supervisor. [They both laugh]
Okay.
Huh?! Huh?!
Thank you.
Huh?! Yeah. [He extends arm and they fistbump] Ahh! Huh?!
Who are you?
I am realtor. Hired by owner to sell shit-hole bar.
What?
Svetlana.
She can't do that, can she?
She own, she can. That's it. Enough of this shit. [Grabs Yvegeny and stomps out] Show her nothing, Kev.
Do you examine your breasts on a regular basis?
[Arrives at Neil's place to find him with Lakisha] Hey, guys. Came home early to spend some quality time.
Um. It's over, Debbie. I'm in love with my nurse and you're a horrible person. No offense.
"No offense"?!
You know he can't edit his thoughts.
You don't love me, and Lakisha does. She helped me discover... my prostate. And my nipples, and my other erogenous zones, and you were just using me for my money... which is mean.
[Answers phone] What, Carl?
Come home right now. Emergency family meeting. Don't tell Fiona.
All right, so he tells me to piss off.
You told me to piss off first time I met you.
No, I didn't.
Right, you just accused me of wanting to suck your dick.
Look, he's... he's covered in puke, passed out, facedown on his broken arms, and I clean him up. Right? Which is way more than I've ever done for my prick of a father. So why am I feeling guilty that I'm not over there wiping his ass for him?
Well, maybe it's because he wiped your ass for you when you needed it.
Fuck that, he just wrote a check.
Yeah, with money that he worked hard to earn and didn't owe you. You... you know what you haven't been since your old professor ran his car into a house, though?
What?
Depressed. Know why? 'Cause fixing a fellow human's even better than fixing a bike. And by the way, it's how we stay sober... by being of service, and by wiping asses when they need wiping. And by helping other drunks get what we got. [Sighs] You... y... you think I like listening to your shit? [Scoffs] I don't.
No?
No. 'Cause I'm a self-centered prick like you, but... when I listen to your shit, I feel better.
So, it's a selfish thing.
Yeah, now you're getting it.
[Answers phone] Gimme a sec, be right there.
[On phone] Yeah, you handle DUI? No, no, it's... it's for a friend. Sure, yeah, I can hold.
Wasting your time.
Hey, shut up and eat your fries. Yeah, I'm still here. Um, I don't know. He blew a...
1.8. I promise I won't drive anywhere.
Sorry, yeah. I'm still here, yeah. He blew a 1.8. Yeah, he hit a house. Um, but he didn't injure anyone. Got lucky. First DUI? No, it's his second.
Fifth.
What? No, sorry. It's, um... it's his fifth DUI. Hello? Prick hung up on me.
Told you you're wasting your time.
Fifth DUI? I mean, h... how does that even happen?
Ask me again when you're 60.
[Ian and Carl are counting money on family room couch]
[Comes in] Monica's ex found us?
Yeah, he tried to drown me in my own hot tub. Ian and I got, like, nine grand between us. You got any money left?
Uh, no. Only a couple hundred. I had to pay off some debts. Debs?
Doesn't have any.
Spent it all on equipment and welding school. I'm broke.
Liam?
Yeah?
You have, uh, any idea what Fiona did with your meth?
No.
We have to ask her.
No.
Hell no.
Well, has somebody got a better idea? Something you can sell? I mean, someone you know that could loan us that kind of money?
Hey, Debs, how about Neil?
He literally just broke up with me. He said I'm a horrible person.
[Comes in holding something furry] Evening, family.
Jesus, Frank!
Whoa.
Is that a squirrel?
What the hell is that?
Roadkill, I'm afraid. I'll give him a proper burial tomorrow.
Jesus.
Indeed.
Frank, do you have any cash? We gotta pay this Eric guy, for real.
Of course. [Hands over cash wad]
Thanks. Seven fucking dollars?
We could rob where you work. Know where they keep the safe?
Absolutely not.
You're the one that got us into this shit, Frank.
Monica. Not me. And it's Francis now. I no longer resonate with a hard K.
[Sighs] Oh, fuck it.
Let's talk to Fiona.
Yep.
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