TV show quotes
Who is this spastic woman?
Frank's wife. The kids' mother.
Kids have a mother?
Barely.
You gonna tell us where you've been, Monica?
Iowa. Some shitsville roadhouse off the 80. Bunch of truckers. More guns than teeth in that place. Once, I saw a guy skin a buck in the parking lot with a rock and a rope.
Wow, civility is alive and well.
So, what brings you back to town?
Frank and the kids. I'm gonna make good. You hear that, Lip? I got a plan. I'm gonna set you and the kids up for life.
[Calls Lip] I trust you licked your wounds by now.
What do you want?
I scored you an interview. Hedge fund. Just went public.
Internship?
Yes.
No. No, thanks.
But this one pays. I need you to go in tomorrow morning. Early. Real early. We're on Wall Street time. Come on. I feel rotten I put you through that board of appeal bullshit. Ease my conscience and make a buck. Two birds, one stone.
I don't know.
You still washing diner dishes?
Text me the details, okay?
Good. Don't blow it.
Yep.
Etta? What are you doing?!
Bus is late.
This isn't a bus stop.
That explains it. Have you seen Wendell?
There you are! I got your leftovers, your purse, your coat.
You just ditched Etta? What, Monica showed up?
I didn't ditch anyone. She left of her own free will. And fuck Monica. My heart is a dead, black hunk of coal as far as she's concerned.
Let me do something for you. What do you need? Money? Something for college?
I'm not in college anymore.
Why not?
Got drunk. Smashed a car up with a crowbar.
They kick you out for that? Kids get drunk and smash shit up all the time. It's what college is for. Those jerks. Well, in ten years, when you cure cancer, they're gonna come at you with an honorary...
Hey, Monica, fuck off!
[Walking down street with Ian] And I don't know where she's at with her meds, so... if it turns into a total shit show... I'll still want to bang you. Probably more. [Sees sign; "Closed for private event"]What? They can't close down the entire place for one party. Fuck...
Uh, we can hit that cowboy car that we passed down the street.
No, they card.
You're over 21.
It's all slimy queens jacking off into urinals anyway.
Then don't use the bathroom, all right? Hey. I'm paying. One drink, then we'll, I don't know, go grab food somewhere else.
I'm not going to a place where they fucking card at the door, okay?
Hey! Hi! [Hugs Ian]
Hey.
My God. You're so... You're gorgeous! I made a gorgeous man. And here's his gorgeous friend. Hi.
Yeah, pleasure.
Wow. Hey.
Bar's closed.
Shit. Well, I went by a cowboy bar.
No, Trevor won't go there 'cause they card. Are you underage?
No.
No? You sure?
Yes.
Let me see your ID.
Fuck no.
You are underage! Why wouldn't you just get a fake ID like everybody else?
I'm not fucking underage.
Give me your license.
No.
Come on.
No.
Okay, if he doesn't want to show you, he doesn't have to show you, hon. Forget it. Come on.
It's an old license.
So?
Pre-transition.
You're trans? I couldn't tell.
Thanks. They make you show proof of gender confirmation surgery, so let's all gawk at the freak show, yeah?
Hey, no.
Wait, wait. Wait!
You want to see prom pictures too? That's too bad. I was in the hospital with my wrist bandaged that night. I forgot to bring my camera.
I didn't ask for prom pictures.
How about ballet pictures?
I was just giving you shit, dick wad.
Fuck you.
No, stop the name-calling, okay? It's getting crazy here. Ian just gets a little wound up, just like his mom.
Why are you here?
To see you.
No, why are you here now?
I-
See, this is what she does. She just parachutes into your life like, "Hi, I'm here now." As if nothing happened.
That's... I'm... I'm so sorry. [Stammers]
You know, I could've used a mom when I broke my collar bone at 12. Or when I got my heart smashed for the first time.
She apologized. Move on.
I'm sorry.
Move on?! No.
Okay. Ian, come on. Dude, I'm sorry. Come on, babe. Ian, come on. Ian, I just got here. [Ian walks away]
Fucking Monica. What the fuck?
You saw her, I'm guessin'?
Liam, come on! Gonna be late for school!
I'm on CPT.
What?
Colored People's Time.
Let me guess. Frank?
Hey, baby.
Oh, your breath smells like Pop Tarts.
...
If you are going to be staying here temporarily, we need to go over the rules.
Oh, Grandma's little cabbage patch.
First thing's first, there will be no drugs or alcohol in this house. DCFS is going to make unannounced visits, so nobody handles Franny who is not sober.
Mostly sober.
No exceptions. Curfew is 11 p.m. which is also bedtime. No sex in the apartment. Anybody who eats the groceries needs to chip in on the groceries.
You know, it seemed like just yesterday you were at the homeless shelter begging for my help. And now, you scammed your way into your own home. I won't say I'm not proud of your ingenuity, but you might want to ease back on the Stalin-style home care.
It's not a scam, Frank. Neil and I are in love. And he's brain-injured, not deaf.
Aren't they cute? Neil reminds me of that pet hamster Debbie had as a kid. [Frank chuckles]
The one you killed in the bathtub. You remember that, Frank?
Yeah... that... it was a total accident. I was told hamsters could swim.
Mm. Debbie's in love.
Love is not supposed to be cute. Love is raw and destructive. Love is you almost stabbing me in the heart with an ice-pick when we were having an argument. That's the kind of passion you can't fake.
Well, Neil and I don't need passion. Come on, Franny, let's go give Daddy a bath before Mommy has to go to work. [Wheels Neil away]
Bye, Franny. Bye, Deb. [Wraps arms around Frank] Our thrills don't have to end.
You goddamn right they don't. You and me, we are immortal.
So I want to show you my plan. I want to see your plan.
[Frank and Monica are walking down street to the Gallagher residence with Lip coming in to the house oppositely]
Hey. Aww, honey. Whoa.
You look like shit. Looking like a chip off the old block there, son.
Did you go on a bender alone?
Fuck off, huh? [Turns to house]
Booze bums you out. Change chemicals. [Offers Lip a cigarette who swipes it away and she chuckles] All right, well, next time we'll all get shitfaced together.
I'd rather drink my own piss.
Try a speedball after a bender. Next day, you'll be moving like a pro.
[Grabs Frank's hand and leads him to a cellar] Come on, Frankie, follow me. Come on. [She lifts a blanket from a guitar case]
A stash?
[Opens guitar] Wrong. [Guitar case reveals shotgun, masks and other robbery paraphenalia] Ta-da.
I was kind of hoping for cocaine.
Oh, we're gonna get all the cocaine we want with these. [Hands Frank a shotgun]
We're gonna sell 'em?
No, we're gonna use 'em. Frank, I want to write a will... I don't have anything solid to leave the kids.
Those kids don't need an inheritance. It'll ruin 'em.
[Produces a notebook] Look, I lifted this from my old dealer, Eric. He had a plan to rub a police evidence room and get off with the drugs and the cash.
How much cash?
Eh, those aces hold like 75 to 100 grand. If we get off with half, we're golden, Frankie. Wouldn't it be great to be outlaws together again?
We could just get wasted together again.
No, remember all the thrills we had when we were kids? When I used to lure guys into the hotel and lock the bathroom door so we could run off with their wallets and drugs?
Sweet bird of youth.
Yes. [Starts pouring out a vial of cocaine onto thumb] Look, I want to leave each kid five grand so they can get a good start in life. Will you help me make amends, Frankie? Want some?
Yeah.
Ohh, thank you.
[Cell phone buzzes] That's the fifth time she's called this morning.
Let her bake.
I'm pissed. And I still really don't understand what happened.
Deed, business license, liquor license, bill of sale, all with our signatures on it.
That looks just like my handwriting.
Because it is. Mine too.
How does Svetlana own our bar and our girls?
Not our girls, just our bar. She told us we were signing adoption forms but really it was papers making her the owner of The Alibi.
So we still own our girls?
Yes.
And she still owns her kid?
Yes.
Who owns the titty van again?
Still ours.
So technically, she just owns The Alibi?
Correct.
Fuck her.
[Sighs] Her name is still on our bank accounts. Bitch might be cleaning us out. We gotta close 'em.
Can we get her arrested for stealing?
What do we tell the cops when they see our signatures on the forms? That we're idiots?
All right, I hate to tell you I told you so 'cause I know you're heartbroken, but this just proves that I was right about her without saying it.
You just did say it.
I worked at that bar my whole life. So now what? What, Svetlana's our boss? Do we still get paychecks?
The bar checking account is in her name.
We need to get her ass down here. I got questions.
Oh, she can keep her lying Russian ass over that bar. I don't want her back in this house.
Then we'll go to The Alibi.
I want to stab her fucking heart out
Right. I'll go alone.
We figured it out. The adoption papers thing? Pretty tricky stuff.
Hmm. And I slept in shit room upstairs like you asked. Now can we be a thrupple again?
Uh, pretty sure that's a no since you betrayed us and stole our bar.
It is not betrayal. I am superior manager at Alibi. It should be in my name, not yours. This is not news.
Oh, yeah? Then why'd you do it behind our backs?
It's simple. You would try to stop me.
Good point. Still shitty.
The way you run bar, we are bankrupt in six months. You are big, lovable poppa, but you are stupid manager. I save us. Now we have money for our family.
Well, we want it back. And I'm not stupid.
You didn't know the difference between adoption papers and sales documents.
Wordy stuff confuses me, and it's not the same. And taking our bar is way worse than being stupid. It's cunty.
Overdraft charges on many checks, penalties for late taxes, no insurance, distributors overcharging for alcohol? Stupid.
V was in love with you. And nobody breaks her heart but me. Except I don't break her heart. So that leaves nobody.
Taking the bar is not about love. You tell V to stay in thrupple, everything is fine. I handle money. Family remains safe.
And what if we don't stay in the thrupple?
Eh, this is not better option. And now there's no deed. This is only a copy. I filed paperwork with county clerk and IRS.
Damn it.
Big Poppa...
Don't call me that. It's creepy now.
Nothing has to change. You still work for me at Alibi. I still love V. I still fuck you. Do not ruin life for one small thing.
[Ian and Mickey are driving in Oklahoma with cholo Damon]
The fuck you looking at?
Still haven't told me your plan.
I'm thinking a little bit of nipple pinching and some ass eating. Seriously.
All right.
Hey, go straight to fucking. That's fine.
You're a fugitive, all right? You can't just stroll across the Mexican border.
I told you, I got it covered. Even learned me some Spanish. [Speaks Spanish]
What the fuck does that mean?
"Say that again, I'll shove your dick down your throat."
You have any money?
We'll get some.
[Police car is oncoming] Shit. [Police car passes by unsuspectingly and Mickey chuckles]
So, you ever been to the beach?
No.
Sun all year round. No more freezing our asses off. Just sandals and tequila from here on, man. It's what kept me going in the joint. The beach. Us. Bet your white ass burns like a fuck.
[Holds out makeshift bong from a Gatorade bottle] You wanna hit this?
Yeah, pass that shit.
Don't fucking drop that shit. [Mickey takes a hit and coughs]
['Pulls over to a gravel lot] Something else I want to hit. [To Damon] Yo, go take a leak.
Don't need to.
Go do yoga. Sing fucking Taylor Swift. I don't give a shit. Get out of the fucking car. Go! [Damon gets out and Mickey says to Ian] Come here. Hey, I bottom now, too, if you want to switch things up. If I wanted to fuck a guy in the ass, I would have stayed in prison. Get the lube, bitch.
Am I gonna have to hire a new dishwasher? 'Cause if I catch you drinking on the job again...
You want to breathalyze me? What's that for?
I sold the laundromat.
Shit, already? How much you lose?
I didn't. Can you believe it? Once I pay off the mortgage and pay Etta back for the improvements, I'll have 75 grand. God, I know I should take it to the bank, but fuck, I can't stop staring at it. I didn't think I'd make this much money in my life.
Yeah, you better, uh, cash that before it bounces.
Hey, do you know anything about, uh, mutual funds or IRAs? Figure I should be smart with the money after I blow a little on something fun. Can you pretend to be happy for me?
Oh, no, I gotta go. You know, those of us in the underclass, we have shit to do.
Hey, I'm getting pork rinds and a 40. You want anything?
Uh, coffee and a Kind bar.
Ugh. Fucking pussy. [Gunshot rings out from gas station store with Mickey and Damon running out] Fuck! Go, go, go, go, go!
Shit.
Drive the car! Drive the car! Drive the car! [Gas station store woman employee opens fire with an assault rifle on them with them driving away unscathed] You beaner fuck! Shit! Damon, you fucking dumb fuck! Come on, what the fuck?!
You said you were getting food!
I was till shit for brains here pulled his Glock out.
I thought when you said we was getting gas, we was going to rob the fucking place.
I meant we were fucking getting gas!
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