[Chuckles] I'm gonna be a grandfather. From the bowels of death, new life. A new Gallagher.
Yeah, and Fiona's pregnant too.
Shut up! [Chuckles] A double grandfather.
Yeah, but Fiona doesn't want to have hers, and she's trying to force me to get rid of mine too. She says I'm too young.
She's wrong. Scientifically wrong. Biologically speaking, you're in your prime childbearing years. Actually, a little beyond them. If Fiona waits much longer, she's gonna have babies that look like wombats. Her labia will stretch halfway to her knees. Men wanting to do cunnilingus will require a straw. [Laughs] No, no, no, no, no, no. This is your time, Debs. Don't let anyone tell you differently.
She can't force you to do anything. You have the right to control your own body. But Fiona has that right too. Well, we won't let her. I had to handcuff Monica to the bed when she was pregnant with Carl. I kept her loaded for months until he was too big to abort.
Yeah, I don't think Sean's gonna go for that.
I thought she was married. Never mind. I'll talk to her.
Okay. Maybe we all should talk to her.
Absolutely. We'll talk more after school, all right? I got to run now. I can't be late for my cancer support group.
Wait, Frank. Do you have cancer?
Not that I know of. [Knocks on head] Knock wood.
Mr. Gallagher, I'd like a word with you in my office. Students talk. They talk in the corridors, in the cafeteria. They talk, and they seem to think that if they lower their bellowing voices only slightly that I can't hear them. But I have the ears of a dog, Mr. Gallagher, the ears of a dog and the soul of a warrior. Heard you're selling weapon, son. [Sighs] There was a school shooting at Westmont last month, three kids and two teachers shot. And Bridgemont Middle School, 13-year-old lost a leg. Hobbling around on a peg now.
So? You don't care about your fellow man? I want a GLOCK. A nine-millimeter semi with an extended mag but no cop-killer bullets. I need hollow tips. Can't have my bullet going through the shooter into some innocent kid.
Okay, so we went to the bank, and the house is being sold at auction, but there's a chance that we could buy it. So for the first time ever, it would be our house, not Aunt Ginger's, not Patrick's.
Sean's got a guy at the bank who thinks I can get a bank loan of up to 100,000.
Holy shit, someone's willing to give us 100 grand?
Why didn't we do this years ago?
The bank doesn't just give you money. They actually buy the house and let you live in it till you pay back the loan with interest.
We need a down payment of $3,500, and we need it, like, now.
Okay, we could pawn the TV.
3 1/2 Gs? Shit, I got you covered. What do you want? You want hundies or small bills?
You just got out of juvie and you have $3,000?
[Long awkward silence] No.
What, you don't believe me?
No, I believe you, I just don't want the state seizing our house 'cause we bought it with drug money or whatever it is that you're into lately.
You are not part of this conversation, Frank.
This was my house long before any of you had claim to it. Not legally, but every other way. The point is, we're Gallaghers. If Carl wants to step up-
Why do you get the last word?
If you want to go get a mortgage with your name on it, then take Carl's money. But otherwise, we'll find another way.
I'll just spend it on my ride. If you want us, we'll be upstairs. Come on, Nick.
Carl, a word, if you would, son?
[Scoffs] I don't know why you bother calling a family meeting if you make all the decisions anyway.
Carl? Hey, hey, um... [chuckles] On behalf of all of us, I want to acknowledge your generosity. The fact that you've reached this level of success in your chosen field-
How much you need? 40? 60, if it's not a problem. Bill, even.
You've come a long way, son. It warms my heart to know that at least one Gallagher has lived up to his genetic potential. When you were six, I- when- [Carl slams his bedroom door]
You get why I don't want to take Carl's money, right? It's like saying that it's cool that he's a criminal, like we've given up on him.
You're giving me that look like you're gonna try to give me some really wise, meaningful advice.
That's what you were thinking?
[Chuckles] Well, enjoy them while you can. I'm gonna have to reschedule the abortion until after the auction.
About that deposit, uh, you know, I... I do have some savings I could kick in.
No, no, no, thank you. It's a Gallagher thing.
If you lose the house, it's gonna be somebody else's thing. So where's that money coming from?
I have an idea. I'm just not sure how I feel about it yet. I'll let you know when I decide.
Savings, huh? Literally hundreds of dollars. [Fiona chuckles heartily] Fucking gold digger.
Okay. So... I only got an hour, then I got to meet Svetlana to check out the competition.
Public Restroom. That's what it's called and they serve tapas. I mean, who goes to a place called Restroom and is like, "You know what? I think I want to order some food"?
Hold on, hold on. Yeah, I'm here.
Thank you so much for all your help, Peter. I'll let you know how it goes. Holy shit!
Pre-certified for a mortgage loan of up to $100,000.
Did those bankers not learn anything from that mortgage crisis bullshit? I mean, no offense, but giving that kind of money to you?
Totally. And thank God for Sean. He was the one who pushed me to get this loan.
Aw, he's like Superman, except for the whole junkie thing. Does he know about Gus's ring?
Well, he knows that it exists, but not that I'm pawning it.
[Sighs] You know, I've been trying to, like, get angry at Gus, thinking about that bitchy song that he wrote about me, but anyway you look at it, this is shitty.
[Clicks tongue] Oh. It belonged to his grandmama?
Yeah, his dead grandma. And there's some story, like she survived the Holocaust with it, like in her cooch.
Yeah, it's something intense.
Well, you should get extra for dead grandma's cooch ring.
I had it appraised. The guy said it's worth $7,000.
Seven- Seven grand, are you serious?
Fuck Gus's dead grandmama. Go on and buy your house.
My book is toast. I was humiliated in front of my peers by a gay Jesuit. It's great that guys study feminism. It's- you know, it shouldn't make it worse that it was a guy, but it does.
You know, you might want to wait till you're sober before you start to assess your life.
You know, Mrs. Robinson chasing young guys. [Chuckles]
Well, Mrs. Robinson was hot, so that's not a bad thing. No, you're not a cliché.
...you're gonna be with a girl your age and you're gonna tell her about... the older woman who taught you about wine and hotels and bidets. [Laughs softly] Bellhop thought we were married.
Mm. Is that so crazy? When you and I got together, I was looking for a fling, but this is... different. It's so much more than that.
They can't just take it from us.
I don't have time to explain foreclosure law to you.
Those are the stairs where I broke my arm for the first time.
Yeah, and the second. Oh, and the fifth.
That table is where Liam was born.
There's nothing we can do.
Can you keep it down in there? Copper pipes aren't gonna take out themselves. While Rome burns, you eat waffles.
You gonna tear apart the place piece by piece?
Scorched earth. The preferred method of defeated generals who refused to allow their conquerors the satisfaction.
Copper's two bucks a pound.
Look, we don't have the luxury to sit around and get weepy. We need a place to live.
Let's see them try to get Nick and I out. We'll take positions up at the upstairs windows with M16s.
Throw Liam at the bottom of the stairs with some grenades. [To Liam who nods] Think you can pull a pin and throw it? Strap Chuckie up with some explosives and throw him off the roof.
Do any of that and they'll try you as an adult. That's big boy prison. Look, the house is gone. It's over. We need to move on.
This is all cause of the mud people. [Points to Nick]
That's what my friends in juvie said. [Frank laughs] What? What did I say?
Chuckie, if you want to stay alive, shut up and go to school.
Where's Lip at? He'd back me up on this.
I told him we didn't need him. He needs to focus on school.
[Observing books on floor] Well, looks like an earthquake hit. Hope we didn't tip off the neighbors.
You know, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to remember where the room is after so many blows to my skull. You put "Atlas Shrugged" on the top shelf? Hardcover?
Aww, did Ayn Rand hurt your poor little skull?
You know, I'm pretty sure she gave me a contusion.
You should read it. She's got some interesting things to say.
Ah, no thanks. Every Libertarian was born on third base and thinks he hit a triple.
All right What about Klimt then? I got it for you. Those paintings I mentioned. Prepare to have your mind blown.
I'll, uh, I'll check it out.
[Leans into Lip getting ahold of his shirt] Theo's going out of town for work. Keep me company tonight?
Lord Jesus, thank you for bringing us together to study your word and bask in your glory. Amen.
BSBible study group
Amen.
Who else would like to show the Lord his gratitude?
Right here, Carol. Lord, please let my baby girls grow up to have wicked backhands and 120 mile-per-hour serves.
This is Bible study, Kevin. We're here to praise Jesus, not ask him for favors.
Right. Right, I'm sorry. Can I just do one more real quick? Jesus, please help Yanis rest in peace so I can get some rest and not have panic attacks, and not soil my pants.
Well, I'll see you next week. There's coffee and muffins in the kitchen.
They're a day old, but no mold. I checked. Praise Jesus.
Oh, and don't forget, we still need a volunteer to host the foster child we're receiving this morning. Thank you for coming.
Bless you, Kevin. He's on his way from Myanmar to a dairy farm in Wisconsin. Oh, it- it- it's only for a couple of days. Oh, this is- praise Jesus. Thank you. Oh.
It's a kid in need. If I do God a solid, he'll do me one. Eye for an eye.
That is not what "eye for an eye" means.
Oh, how do you know what the good book means? You were doing your nails the whole time.
Forget that barbecued Greek. It wasn't your fault.
Of course it was. What are you talking about, V? If it wasn't for me, Yanis would still be alive. Please, baby.
[Frank pulls out a circuit breaker causing the electricity to go out] Whoo. If I go along with getting a new crib, it better be sick.
We can't pay any more than we already were. We were barely making ends meet as it was.
Why you acting like we ain't got no lettuce?
The Benjamins. Cash. Money. Say the word, and I'll make it rain up in here.
I told you, I'm not taking your dirty money.
It must be wonderful living in your little fantasy world where unicorns slide down magical rainbows and everybody on the South Side gets by on the up and up. What do you think this neighborhood runs on? It ain't donuts. Without heroes like Carl here driving our shadow economy, we would've gone the way of the dodo years ago. Hey, can I, um, can I get a relocation advance? [Carl gives Frank a dollar bill] Thank you.
[A couple walks in front door with two daughters] Yo! What the hell?!
MMan
I didn't realize the house was still occupied.
Oh, shit. You're the new owners.
[Wakes up next to Erica with her arm over her and Frank wakes past ignoring Debbie's gesture to help her and climbs out window] Holy shit.
Uh... [chuckles] You crawled into bed hammered, then sang a little and passed out.
EErica
Oh, no. Not Melissa Etheridge.
I don't know who that is.
EErica
[Sighs] Did I do anything else?
Uh, you groped me a little.
EErica
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
Good morning! I'm here to concierge you through your hangover and straight into your doctor's appointment!
EErica
I passed out in Debbie's bed last night.
Yikes. How'd she take it?
EErica
Fine, but I- I feel like an idiot. What's gotten into me? I'm not attracted to her. I feel maternal towards her.
It's a nurturing instinct. She's very nurture-able.
EErica
I'm losing my shit, Frank. It's hitting me. I just keep thinking about that coffin and my body inside it. I'm gonna puke. [Covers mouth with hand and runs away]
[To Debbie] How was last night's tangle?
You and Erica. [Gestures] Little scissor action?
Ew, no. It was so not like that. She was just drunk and confused, and she's married to a guy.
A woman's sexuality is as fluid as the Mississippi. Mark my words, kid. She's sweet on you. You are so sexy when you're in the thrall of a small lit rectangle.
Uh, I need to ask you advice. I'm going on a date.
Yeah. You know, Mickey and I never went out on dates. Ned never took me out. Kash and I fucked in the back of a convenience store, and I don't think jerking off strangers in a nightclub counts, so...
Well, how hard can it be? You know, you eat, you drink, and you bang till your balls fall off, right?
I'd definitely wear some.
Yeah, asshole, I mean, like, what kind? Like fancy?
Shit, I don't know, man. I've never really been on a real date, either. You know, not like an official one. [Pounding on door] One sec. [Opens door] Yo.
MSMale student
Holy shit, dude. Been online yet?
MSMale student
That picture of your lady professor showed up on Gawker this morning.
MSMale student
[Turns laptop around to show him] It's labeled "not safe for work." [A picture of Helene sleeping in Lip's bed with exposed breasts is displayed]
I've got 106 new emails. The provost wrote me?
Being asked to appear before a Faculty Disciplinary Committee. Damn.
