[Frank is at Debbie's ultrasound]
Oh, my God. Is that him or her?
Look at that face. Already up to no good. It's a Gallagher all right. [Chuckles] I remember the first time I saw Fiona in Monica's gut. She looked like a rotting apricot. I screamed, "What the fuck is that?!" And we were on a lot of drugs, but that fetus just looked unholy. Came out perfect, though.
UTUltrasound technician
You sure you don't want to know the gender?
Before we knew your gender we called you The Tumor. Then they said you were a girl. All of a sudden you were Debbie.
Once you know the gender, your fetus goes from a clump of cells to a genuine person. It's something. Got to run.
UTUltrasound technician
Tell you what. I'll write it down, stick it in an envelope. You can hang onto it and decide later.
Promised Erica I'd pick her up after her scan. Rampant metastasis, here we come.
Your mouth would be a much better alarm.
Ah, well, hit snooze and let's double our luck.
Oh. I got to not let you get back.
[Laughs] This has been really nice, past couple of nights. No kids. No chaos.
But... You need the chaos?
I need to check on some things.
Mm. Does Frank still have that hippie over there?
Ugh, yeah, doing God knows what.
Well, no hippies here. Just me and you.
[Calling upstairs and then sits at table] Okay. Breakfast, my offspring. Who wants to join Papa and Queenie for some morning fuel?
[Hands him a cup of green smoothie] Mmm. Cleans your insides, Frankie. Smells like you wouldn't know a colon cleanse if it ran right through your cute little rectum. [They both laugh]
Thank you, my confederate Queen. Rest of these ingrates could care less about the state of my colon, but not you.
Well, you're the king of your castle, Frankie. Don't let those young uns forget who's papa.
I'm glad someone finally recognizes that.
And you're still a sexy fucker.
I got a brand-new liver. I'm as good as 18 again.
Ah, hell of a stud you were at that age. You could do things with your tongue that would make a rattlesnake blush.
Whoo! Best sexual era of my life.
South Side was never so bright as the day you crossed the Mason-Dixon Line and came into my loins. [Laughs] And now, it's 18-year-old déjà vu all over again.
Oh, just temporary, Frankie. The grandson's probation papers should be coming through in the next three days, and then it is back to the Eco Village for Chuckie and me.
That's nonsense. What do they got on a farm we don't have here?
Eco-conscious living. Everything is solar powered. Working out there as an herbalist.
Yeah, organic farming. It's not like all this urban wasteland that you have here. I finally found my calling, Frankie. Helping and healing people, that's what I do.
You can't leave now. We're having too much fun. What's a king without a Queenie by his side?
Well, them's the rules of free love, Frankie. Mwah. Mama is a rollin' stone. Now drink up.
[Chuckie knocks on front door and Frank appears]
Kid, what are you doing here?
They sent me home from school. [Attempts to go in house but Frank thwarts him]
Well, beat it. Your grandma and I are gonna get into some action. No cock-blocking. [Chuckie turns around]
[Appears in door] Hey, wait. What's going on here?
[Gets ahold of Chuckie and guides him into house] Yeah, buddy, who got you all snot-nosed?
[They sit on couch] Oh, my gosh. Who upset my little woodchuck?
Well, wh- you weren't fighting, were you? You're still on probation.
No. My teacher wouldn't let me share my book report in class and sent me to the principal's office.
[Takes report from Chuckie] Well, it's just a wild guess, but maybe the report topic. [Hands report to Queenie]
Mein Kampf. Hitler's Mein Kampf?
Advanced-level fascism. I didn't even know the boy could read.
[Sighs] Well, I would have preferred Gandhi, but it's not your fault. The juvenile prison system has warped your brain.
SPSchool principal 1
Your grandson Charles tried to read a very offensive book report to Mr. Schwiebert's class.
The boy doesn't know what he's saying.
Our grandson is a little slow between the ears.
SPSchool principal 2
Your grandson seems to believe that he's a Nazi. Any ideas where he's getting that from?
SPSchool principal 1
Charles received a suspension as a lesson for his behavior and a failing grade on the paper.
His shit-for-brains mother couldn't pass gas, let alone middle school. My grandson wrote an entire report here and you're gonna fail him for this?
Hey, I read it. A couple of grammatical things here and there. He didn't remember to capitalize Auschwitz, but the kid can write.
SPSchool principal 2
Hitler's diatribe on Aryan superiority is not an appropriate theme for a sixth grade book report.
Did you tell the class they couldn't write about Nazis?
SPSchool principal 2
Well, usually, they're not writing from the Nazi perspective, so no. Look, it's okay to write about mass murders. You just can't side with the mass murderers.
Uh, this is a direct attack on his First Amendment rights, a right, I might add, that belongs to everyone regardless of intelligence deficiencies or possible retardation. Yes, but there are conditions to those rights, like yelling "fire" in a public theater or preaching white supremacy to middle school students.
SPSchool principal 1
Look, we simply can't allow Hitler's hate speech to alienate our diverse student body. We've worked very hard to create an open atmosphere for all our students.
Look, you can't go teaching equality and then get your human rights panties in a bunch when it comes with a couple of wedgies. Every asshole is entitled to his beliefs. That's the yin and the yang of democracy. It's the same freedom that allows you to teach wearing [[w:Kippah|that silly beanie and [[w:Multiculturalism|those Crayola-colored kids]] out there to go to school together. It- it doesn't matter anyway. Pretty soon, there's not gonna be any [[w:Judaism|Jew]] or [[w:Aryan|Aryan]] or [[w:Hinduism|Hindu]] or [[w:Islam|Muslim]] or [[w:Mexican people|Mexican]] or [[w:African American|Blacks]]. There's just gonna be the rich and the fucked, and our grandson is already one of the fucked. So at least let the boy express the degenerate ideas he can actually comprehend, and that, my multicultural friends, [[w:Pledge of Allegiance|is liberty and justice for all]]! Or we could call [[w:United States Attorney General|the attorney general]] and the [[w:American Civil Liberties Union|ACLU]]. I'm sorry, I probably should have started with that.
[Camera is panning up aisle to Chuckie is reading his report to his classmates with their parents at the side]
So the superiors put all the inferiors in bad summer camps 'cause they didn't want 'em crossin' the border and ruinin' the neighborhood, and that is why Hitler is a great American leader. [Camer view reveals classmates and parents all looking in absolute dismay]
[Walks over to Chuckie and puts hands on his shoulders] German, but I think you've made your point here, my young Trump.
Tribe! Breakfast! [Gallagher kids come filing in] Good morning. Morning.
We eat in the dining room like civilized people.
Since Queenie. Have a seat. Let's get you your flaxseed oil pills. [To Ian] Good for the heart. [To Liam] Mmm. Good for the hair, [TO Chuckie] your colon, [To Frank's place] Daddy, [To Carl] prostate, yeah, [To Debbie] and your baby.
[Sets down pans] Quinoa pancakes and yucca fries.
What the hell is a quinoa?
[Gets up] Yeah, I'm just gonna go to Mickey D's.
[Gets up] I'm gonna study at my boyfriend's.
[Gets up] Carl, can you give me a ride to the baby store?
[Pounds table] Come back now. Look, your father went to great lengths to prepare this breakfast for you with love. So you're gonna sit your little asses down and enjoy it. [Tussling Frank's hair] Need to have a little more respect for this man right here.
[Sings] Help me, I think I'm falling [Frank joins in] In love again [To Debbie and Carl] Join us.
QFQueenie and Frank
When I get that crazy feeling, I know I'm in trouble again
I don't want to know the words.
Fake it. [Sings] I'm in trouble, 'Cause you're a rambler and a gambler, and a sweet-talking ladies' man...
[Frank answers door to Lamar still singing]
LLamar
Lamar. Is Carl here?
He's enjoying breakfast with his family. Come back some other time?
[Sings] I've seen some hard, hard cases come down to smoke and ash...
LLamar
Haven't checked in lately, white boy. Where the fuck you been at?
Been here and there. G-Dogg got a shipment coming through tomorrow. Need you to run it. I think Imma sit this one out.
LLamar
Sit this one out? [Scoffs] You a comedian?
No. [Lamar pistol whips Carl on the forehead who falls down]
LLamar
[To Carl with a bleeding forehead] You think you can just tag in and out like a little girl playing Chinese jump rope? You in this game for life, fuck, so get your ass to the spot tomorrow morning.
[Frank and Queenie are making love with Frank on top]
Your queen doth love what you do with your scepter, King Frank. [both laugh]
Oh, God. Your king... is about to blow his load into your moat, my queen. [both laugh]
One thing before you do, my regal stallion.
Huh? Pray tell, my love. Huh? What? [Queenie flips over with Frank] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
[Laughs] Oh, yeah. We're almost out of shillings
Oh, you tell me that now?
Well, I'm gonna have to go back to the commune and get more organic produce and sell it.
[Repeatedly] I'll get money. [Flips Queenie over with him back on top]
Proceed with your manly duties, my lord Yes. Oh, fuck me.
[Carl is outside bedroom door and puts hoodie over ears] I'm coming my brains out.
Frank, I need to talk to you.
[Gets up to leave] I will leave the king and the prince to do their business.
That, my son, is the beautiful stench of animal, lust, and earth. I'm glad you came by.
[Administering stitches to Carl] So you gonna tell me what happened?
What's wrong with me telling her?
She freaks out about everything.
What if I promise not to say anything to her?
Why do you want to know anyway?
Because you've been running your ass around here like a black Scarface, and I care about you, okay?
Just got hit, that's all.
'Cause I don't want to work with him anymore.
And he clocked you for that?
Get out of that shit you're involved in, you hear me? Now.
A letter to Sean's ex-wife.
Carl, why is Fiona writing a letter to Sean's ex-wife?
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay, great. I'll just stand here and drink my coffee in silence.
To the commune with Queenie.
Except you're not, 'cause you have school, remember?
I need a supportive environment. Not gonna get it here.
So that's it for high school, huh? Pregnant dropout at 15. Well played.
You got to graduate, Debs.
Have you heard of "unschooling"? It's a widely recognized form of education.
Queenie says it's when you get knowledge from life instead of books. Like making spaghetti, when you measure water, pasta, salt. That's math.
If I'm desperate, I can just get my GED. You know, like you did.
Queenie, are you going to support Debbie as she "unschools" her way through life?
Well, I have so many friends in the commune who have never had a day of conventional education, and they have so much worldly wisdom.
You want to quit school, Debs, I can't stop you. Enjoy yourself at... what is it?
Soaring Consciousness Ecovillage. A hundred acres, very peaceful. Oh, and if you see Lip, tell him never to stifle his passion. Ta-ta.
Hey, Frankie, baby. We're off to the commune.
Chuckie's probation papers came yesterday. Grandma is a rolling stone.
That's a great idea. Lying under the stars in a rural paradise. Fresh air, crackling fire. Jeez, that sounds nice. Are we taking the van? [Gets in]
LLester
What's that accent, Polish?
LLester
So she wasn't born here.
Sent over in a shipping crate.
LLester
You pay her under the table?
Shit, yeah. How do you think this place stays open?
LLester
Excuse me. I'm Officer Lester Hibbert from United States Citizenship and Immigration Services.
LLester
According to your boss, you came to this country illegally.
I didn't know he was whatever he said.
LLester
I came here to unwind. You treated me like shit. And then you took my last five bucks. [Motions to a table] Now we're gonna have a conversation.
I had no idea. I didn't see his badge.
[Van arrives at the commune]
[Gets out van] Ooh, a little nippy.
[Gets out holding up phone] Freezing. And no service. Where's your house?
[Points] My tent's right up there.
We gonna see a mountain lion?
You were right all along. I wasn't listening. This is where we were meant to be together. Out in the fresh, crisp air, the smell of pine.
JJupiter
You were sorely missed. [He and Queenie hold each others heads and lean towards each other touching foreheads]
Everybody, this is Jupiter, a founding father of Soaring Conciousness.
JJupiter
[Referring to Debbie] And is this...?
The one I wrote to you about.
JJupiter
[Walks up to Debbie and puts both hands on shoulders] We all hoped you'd come, Deborah. And here you are. Here, let me help you inside. [Wraps blanket on Debbie]
Nice of you to bring her a blanket. It is chilly. I know I'm cold.
