Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.
Well, the heat doesn't help. You gotta get some AC in here, man.
KermitThing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.
Oh. V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now? 'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.
No, baby, just leave ice on it.
Be better in no time, Kev. Hang in there, man.
Kermit
Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
What's going on with him?
He had a vasectomy, little swelling.
Little swelling? My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.
Kermit
Why didn't V just tie her tubes? Old-school, piece of cake.
Okay, I'm right here. I'll take this one. Do you even know what you're saying? A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body. My shit is on the inside. They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me. I should slap your face.
Kermit
Sorry, V.
[To Kevin] You gon' live, baby.
I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.
You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit. Maybe you just need to change up your game.
Has Brady slowed down? No, he just won the Super Bowl last year. Tiger Woods? No. He won the Masters.
Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.
Kermit
Not to mention the performance-enhancing drugs.
Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing drugs.
Kermit
Uh-huh, sure he doesn't.
Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev. Hell, I ran a 5.2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.
Kermit
[Chuckles] Did you run a 5K?
Well, I didn't say I ran it. There was some walking involved.
It's testosterone. Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.
Kermit
Really, one percent?
You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.
It's not me. It's my shitty shoes.
Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons. [Turns laptop around] This is what I need right here.
Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.
That a shoe or a fat hooker?
But, V, my old shoes are fucking up my shitting rhythm.
It's not the shoes, honey. You're just getting old. You just said I wasn't getting old. For $350, you old as shit, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.
Well, I'm still buying 'em.
Not with our money, you're not.
We're on a budget, Kev. What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?
All right, fine. You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine. Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.
Come on, Milo. Push that 60. There you go. Gotta work off that avocado "kumbacha" smoothie or whatever the fսck you drink. Jasper, are you kidding me? Can you go slower? Full rotations, man! Do you want your name under Pussy of the Day? Is that what you want, Jasper?
MMan
Is it safe if I [w:Tesla motors|park my Tesla out front]]?
Hell no, it ain't safe, Homer. This is the ghetto, man. Get in here and grab two kegs and give me 30 curls now.
So? [Man retches in can] Way to go, Oscar. Puke is pride.
AArlo
I wanna join. Uh, you take Amex?
"Amex." Cash only! $50 per session up front, plus another $40 for the T-shirt. ATM is right there.
MMan
You're out of spring water.
I am? All right. Grab a sledge. Start working the wall. Willem! Get off the damn phone! If I see you on that thing one more time, it's going in the puke barrel. You hear me, fat boy?! Harder, Milo! Come on, man. Get it up.
What do you have them doing over there?
Bashin' a hole in the wall to connect the gym to The Alibi.
How long's that gonna take?
Ah, with my pasty propeller-heads swinging the hammers, twins'll be grandparents first, but I'm gonna finish the rest myself later.
What the hell are you doing?
Making natural spring water. My Keggers love to hydrate.
Kermit
You don't sterilize the bottles first or anything?
No. Fսck those Facebook assholes. They need the germs, strengthen their oat milk-drinking immune systems.
Kermit
What is oat milk?
The extra watery shit that sits on top when you make oatmeal.
Hey, V, can you get me some more of those $2 black T-shirts from Walmart and cut the sleeves off?
Sure. So this Keg Zone stuff is actually working?
I got 20 fully paid Keggers already. Plus, I'm starting an online thing where you can do it at home.
Kermit
Tommy.
Why are you two sitting so far apart from each other?
Kermit
Social distancing.
[On phone] Okay, call me when you have more. [To Kevin] Elijah from the dispensary doesn't have weed either, Kev.
Whole city's run out. Another symptom of economic anxiety: everyone's self-medicating. Why are you two sitting apart?
Kermit
Nothing.
[Quietly to Veronica] I think they're having a fight.
Saying something under your breath means "keep it quiet."
Oh, Frank! You gotta use the secret knock.
Oh, sorry. Top of the morning to you. So what you got for me to sample today in the wonderful world of weed, Master Kev, Mistress V? [Sits between Tommy and Kermit] What are... why are you guys sitting so far apart? One of you fart or something?
Jesus, fine. Sit in your own stank, for all I care.
They won't tell us either.
Oh. [Noticing turning display empty] Where are the goods?
But our suppliers are out of product now.
Ever since the 'rona, there's been a rush on weed.
They were not prepared for the demand. Everyone's out.
It's a blessing in disguise. Pot is dangerous.
Kermit
Amen to that.
[Repeatedly] No... That's impossible. There's no such thing as a rush on weed. It's in abundance.
There's three different dispensaries we use for our product. They're all out.
Dispensaries? You know what kind of a markup they've got? I can get you more product.
Marijuana's basically just a weed. The government has no more right to regulate it than they do sunflowers.
Exactly! Don't worry. I can get you more product. We can go in on this together, partners.
Barkeep, a beer and a glass of tomato juice, please.
Of course, but that's not why. I tried to ignore the Milkovich hot spot, but yet again, science wins. Pretending a virus isn't real doesn't make it harmless.
Here's an idea. Why don't you talk to them?
No, you tried to trick them. I'm saying talk to them. Listen to their concerns. Express your concerns. Have an actual conversation.
V, you act like these are human beings.
Well, nothing else has worked. It's worth a shot.
Oh, Jesus, I don't know what's more toxic, their filth or your optimism.
What's up with the fancy outfit? Parole hearing?
No. I like to look nice for men who have nothing better to do than sit in a bar all day. Alderman sent over a list of people who didn't vote in the last election, so I am going door-to-door to get them to the polls.
Kermit
You can skip my house. I'll be here.
Black people. We need to get this rent control bill passed so Black people can afford to stay in the neighborhood. Tell them to stop paying rent.
That's what the Milkoviches do.
Where do people like that come from in the first place?
The South. Once they realized they had to start picking the cotton, they migrated to the Midwest to take part in our industrial economy.
No, the Milkovich clan came here from Poland after the Polish-Russian war. For some reason, when white people lose a war, they all move to Chicago.
All right, Frank. You ready?
No. Come on, we're a team.
Exactly. That's why the Milkoviches will listen to us. We're relatable. We're not Jordan and Pippen. We're Tommy and Kermit.
I'm surprised they didn't ask you to coach the Bulls.
[Going out door] Come on.
Fine. Let's get this over with. [Finishes drink and walks after]
[Sets placemats on table for daughters in Alibi Room] All right, girls. [Amy swipes placemat on floor] No! Amy, no! Unacceptable! We do not act like that! Here, just watch a movie.
GGemma
We want to go to school.
Guys, I want you to go to school, too. I really do. But I told you there's no school today. It's a teacher work day. Which is so great 'cause it's a Daddy work day, too.
Yeah, I want Mommy too, okay? But she's not here. She's in Kentucky. Please just... watch a movie.
Kermit
What's V doing in Kentucky?
[Sighs] She's helping her mom move.
Kermit
She left you in charge of the girls?
Yeah, she left me in charge of the girls. Shut up. Where's Tommy?
Kermit
I don't know. At work, I guess. Why?
It just freaks me out when you're here by yourself.
[Enters with rolled up blueprint tube] Could I get a shot of Jamie, please?
Hey, Frank. It's me, Kevin.
Hey, Kevin. It's me, Frank. Why are we talking like we're on the phone?
Oh, I just didn't know if you remembered me.
What's with the notebook?
A heist. I'm putting the gang back together for one last job.
Kermit
Cool. You used to be a thief or something?
One of the best. You might've heard of one or two of our escapades. The Purolator heist? Elizabeth Stewart Gardner Museum?
Kermit
Doesn't matter. [Raise glass] Best of luck.
Yeah, you go get 'em. Cheers.
Thanks, boys. Well, I'm outta here. Don't mention anything to anybody about the heist. Discretion is vital.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, Frank, I'm pretending that I don't know.
Frank? [Points to shot glass still full]
What? Oh. [chuckles softly then drinks up] Mm. [To Kermit] How you doin'? Oh, sht. [Walks out humming to self]
Shameless · 903 quotes
