Doctor Cox quotes from Scrubs

Jordan

What have you been doing all day?

Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.

Jordan

I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...

Ah, the restraining order.

Jordan

[smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...

Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.

J.D.

Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.

Turk

There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.

I thought he was your best friend.

Turk

Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.

So, Gandhi, what did your wife think of her terrible present?

Turk

I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.

Dr Kelso

You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!

Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.

J.D.

Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.

J.D.

[narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.

You sure told him.

J.D.

Thanks, herpes.

J.D.

So, this intern that you mentioned... earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty... amazing doctor, didn't he?

Actually, it was a she.

J.D.

It wasn't me?

No no, it was you. It was you.

So this is what fear feels like. It's kind of like being drunk, only in a very sad way. You're just lovin' watchin' me fall apart like this, huh?

Dr. Kelso

More than comfy shoes and a warm place to crap. But you're gonna take this job. Partly because you were meant to do it, but mostly because if you don't I will always remind you that you are a sackless little fraidy-cat.

Why the hell'd you try to talk me out of it?

Dr. Kelso

I had to tell you the truth to prepare you. If I'd fluffed it up, you would've tortured me forever.

So you actually think I'm the man for the job?

Dr. Kelso

Who the hell do you think recommended you?

Thank you.

Dr. Kelso

You're welcome.

Oh, God, no.

Dr. Kelso

What?

You don't really think we're becoming friends, do you?

Dr. Kelso

[Realizes] Good Lord, I hope not.

What the hell is that?

Some stupid gift from the board. It's a photo of Sacred Heart when it first opened in 1884.

Carla

There's a hybrid in the parking-lot.

I might have the date wrong. So, where do you want me to hang it?

Somebody else's office?

Are you trying to stop me from doing my job? How would you feel if I tried to stop you from taking patients' wallets after they died?

Doctors don't do that.

[smiles and winks] Look at you — sticking with the plan!

Dr. Kelso

So that's what a Chief of Medicine does!

Oh now, what's with the lab coat, Bob?

Dr. Kelso

Ah, the old gal down in the pharmacy doesn't know that I've retired, so she still hooks me up with free morning-after pills.

Jack

Janice, you have one ugly baby, seriously.

J.D.

[to Dr. Cox] Did you actually teach your son to be mean to a baby?

Not just any baby but your baby.

Come on, Jackie boy, we're going to get 10,000 jelly beans. I love you so much. [walks off with Jack]

J.D.

[to Sam] They can be so hurtful.

Turk

[to Dr. Cox] Have you seen J.D.?

No, I have not. Would you like to know why? He isn't coming in today. He's on a mini-vacation. And it isn't just today; he's not coming in tomorrow, which, by the way, is my day off. But not anymore! I'm coming in early and I'm staying late, because life is too darn short to spend the day bonding with my family when I could be roaming the halls of this hospital without the possibility of running into that bearded hug-monster you call a best friend.

Hey, Zeltzer. My family is with me here, but all the tables are full. Do you mind if we join you for breakfast?

No, not at all. I get family. You know I'm here so much I hardly ever see my wife. That's why I installed a webcam in my house so I can see her during the day. Right now, I'm watching her do the dishes.

Who in God's name are those two naked people?

That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.

[disgusted] Get out!

I wanna thank you for dinner last night. I've eaten by candlelight before, but never by firefly-light.

Yeah, it was hard to get them all into jugs, but I thought it was worth it. [clasping her hand] So, what do you want do do tonight?

[letting go] I don't really want to hold hands right now. Is that okay?

Ssure, You know, that's uhm, I'm fine with that. Whatever. Like, like teenage girls say: "whatever!" We're cool.

Okay. I'll call you. [leaves]

Hey Janitor, rock solid relationship there!

Jordan

You know, there's nothing like looking into someone's eyes and seeing a part of them die. Oh! There it goes. Bye bye, hope!

Everything is fine between me and Lady. And excuse me for not having a relationship built on a mutual affection for jet-black hate.

We don't hate each other. Do we?

Jordan

A little bit. But we make it work. At least I can hold your hand. [notices Cox's wedding ring] What's this? What the hell, are you wearing a wedding ring?

You're just noticing now? He's been wearing it for months.

Jordan

Months?

Gotta go! [runs off]

J.D.

You need to hire a few more nurses.

Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You of course offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again, by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and that's a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.

J.D.

That was super fun.

Ted

Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?

I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.

Ted

Understandable.

Dr. Kelso

Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.

Ted

Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.

We've written a song for every state.

I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.