J.D. quotes from Scrubs

J.D.

If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.

The Todd

[voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.

J.D.

We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!

The Todd

That's helpful.

J.D.

Were you ever planning on telling me?

Kim

Yes, but I didn't know what to say.

J.D.

How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."

J.D.

I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?

[walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.

J.D.

That question wasn't directed at you!

What question?

J.D.

My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.

First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.

J.D.

[looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!

Turk

That's not your kid.

J.D.

I know, but he reminds me of Sam.

Turk

That's a girl.

J.D.

Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!

J.D.

[In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!

Yep, that's how it starts.

J.D.

[Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?

Nice!

Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.

J.D.

Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.

Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.

J.D.

Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.

J.D.

[narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.

You sure told him.

J.D.

Thanks, herpes.

Ted

[seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.

J.D.

A hug?

Ted

No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.

Turk

I should be offended, but he's right.

J.D.

I'm doing this thing where I take a slice of someone else's wisdom and use it in my own life.

Jordan

Seems coincidental.

J.D.

And yet I do it almost every week.

J.D.

[watching the Janitor and Ted argue] Those two should have their own sitcom. [fantasizes about the sitcom's opening sequence]

Ted

I'm a lawyer!

I'm a janitor!

Together we adopted a cute little kid. We're Legal Custodians! [jingle] Get it?

J.D.

[to Sam] I'd watch that show; would you?

J.D.

So, this intern that you mentioned... earlier, I'm sure eventually he turned into a pretty... amazing doctor, didn't he?

Actually, it was a she.

J.D.

It wasn't me?

No no, it was you. It was you.

J.D.

[To Denise] I need you to connect with your patients, okay? If they need some sympathy, dig down in your soul and find some.

Denise

Yo, Mr. Harris! Sucks you'll never walk again.

Hell yeah, it does!

Denise

Better, right?

J.D.

No, no, Jo. He... he lost his feet.

I know what you guys are trying to do; I just can't get over the fact that one minute I'm here and the next, I'm not?

J.D.

[voiceover:] And that's when Turk and I told George how we really felt. [aloud:] George, I'm terrified of dying.

Turk

Me, too.

Then why'd you lie?

J.D.

We fight death for a living every single day. We can't let it know we're afraid of it or it'll kick our ass.

J.D.

It's like all of a sudden this hospital is a police state!

Elliot

The next thing you know, they're gonna be charging doctors for candy at the gift shop!

J.D.

They do charge doctors for candy at the gift shop, Elliot.

Elliot

Really? Then why does Johann always let me...

J.D.

Because he wants to make you his wife and bring you back to Estonia.

Elliot

Ah, that's why he's always asking me if I'm comfortable around oxen.