Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · Season 1
I need to go to the nurse.
Er, is there a problem... [looks at Hilda's nametag] ...Mrs. Spellman?
Yes, it’s my tummy-
No, she’s fine - and it’s "Miss Spellman".
Who are you?
Oh, I’m also "Miss Spellman". We’re Sabrina’s aunts - Sisters, not an alternative couple.
So you’re, uh, single?
[flattered] Yes, and you?
[grins slightly] Extremely.
[to herself] Now I really am gonna throw up...
[catches Salem playing with yarn] Salem... What are you doing?
Er... nothing?
It looks like you're playing with a ball of yarn.
I have urges, Sabrina.
Look, can we deal with your issues later? I’ve got a bigger problem. [picks him up and carries him away]
[mournfully] My yarn!
This magic ruins everything! He’s supposed to be in his crib sucking his thumb, and I’m supposed to be studying with Harvey!
Oh...
Uh-huh...
Stop that, this is serious!
Oh, calm down Sabrina... Just try to figure out exactly what you did.
I don’t know, I don’t remember! Rudy was crying, I picked him up, I said "big boys don’t cry" and I rubbed his back!
Did you say anything else?
I don’t think so...
Be a big boy!
...He’s right, I said ‘be a big boy’!
And I bet you said it three times!
Oh, mystery solved; You cast a passion spell!
Passion spell? What’s that?
If you want something enough, and you say it three times, it might just happen.
We like to call it a Travis.
Why?
Randy Travis, Randy Travis, Randy Travis.
[a slightly bemused Randy Travis appears next to her]
I love this spell.
What a...What am I doin’ here?
Oh, we were just illustrating a point for our niece. I hope we haven’t caught you at a bad time...
No, it’s fine. My wife does wonder where I keep popping off to, though... Will there be anything else?
Maybe later.
If you need me, you’ll know where to find me. You always do. [leaves the classroom]
Now, he is so cute!
Oh, I love his new album...!
Can we get back to me, here?
Salem, you're back. How was jail?
Not bad, there’s a guy in solitary convinced Alan Derchowitze appeared to him as a talking cat. I told him I’d call the governor and plead his innocence.
See? I told you it was nice to help people.
Are you kidding? I’m not calling.
[Jenny is meeting with Principal Larue]
Please, sit down.
The reason I called this meeting was to present my five-point program. My contract with Westbridge, if I may.
Proceed.
Well, the first point focuses on class sizes--
You have no authority there.
I don't?
No. Next point?
Well, I'm also concerned about arts funding.
You have no authority there.
Textbooks?
No.
Curriculum?
No.
Parking?
Huh! I don't even have authority there. These topics that you raise are not to be addressed in this room. They are decided by powerful men, in smoke-filled boardrooms hundreds of miles from here. It is not your place to question their choices. They know you, Jennifer. Better than you know yourself. Let's leave the business of school to the people whose business is school. Student class elections have always been a popularity contest. Let's keep it that way.
Hello, Drell. What a pleasant surprise.
No, it's not. I summoned you and you're here. Hilda... What's with your hair?
My new boyfriend likes it this way.
Oh, your new boyfriend. What's his name?
Um...
Well, I hope you and "Um..." are very happy. Sabrina, why don’t we begin by you explaining to us why we’re here?
I don’t know.
Stop me if something sounds familiar: Athletic injury, fixed election, altered immutable laws of physics.
[meekly] Oh. That.
[alarmed] Sabrina?!
You didn’t?!
I was just trying to help people!
"Help" is a four letter word, like "Dumb" and "Move". Am I right?
Well, first of all, the people I helped were happy.. but now, only one is, and he’s happy enough for all three of them, though. So-
Now, I should explain to you that when I say "Am I right?", IT’S A RHETORICAL QUESTION! Because I’m always right.
Drell, please. Sabrina's a good kid.
And things are hard on her. Her mother's in Peru. Her father's in a book.
And I'm in the land of "I Don't Care!" You're her guardians. You should have warned her that if you meddle with people's lives, terrible things could happen.
Well, I did. That's exactly what I said.
So did I.
So did Salem, but nobody made it sound like it was a big deal.
Oh, geez. [over the intercom] Marge, get the guys down in Ominous Warnings to tweak up the reverb on the word "terrible." Terrible. Terrible. TERRIBLE!!!! Ooh, that's nice, that's nice. [over the intercom] Thank you, Marge. Now, that was Marge's mistake. [makes a hand gesture causing a flash of lightning and woman screaming outside his office] And now back to yours. Now, the football injury and class elections have no global consequences. You can mess with your pimply, pubescent peers all you want. Alchemy, however, could collapse the world economy and wreak havoc on MY T-BILLS! Now, are you going to fix this [holds up a small cat collar] or should I gave Salem a little blonde KITTY FRIEND?!
No, I can fix it. I mean I just have to erase the knowledge, right? I don't have to destroy Mr. Pool.
You got a day. That's 23 hours to solve the problem and one hour to shop for a scratching post! [laughs] You're done! Go! Get outta here! [Sabrina and Zelda leave] Um, except you, Hilda. Why don't you, uh... stay a moment?
[After Mr. Pool has lost his knowledge of how to make gold]
Mr. Pool, do you have a minute?
[depressed] Yes, a lifetime of them. And they are suddenly going by very slowly.
My parents are making me have an Halloween party.
Bummer. Next thing you know, they’ll make you go on a ski trip.
No, see, my Dad always buys in bulk at these discount clubs, and we got a lot of snack food that expires in November.
Oh, so that’s why it says "all food must be eaten by midnight"...
I’m thinking about going as James Dean.
I love James Dean!
Yeah, and all I need is a white T-shirt, some jeans and somethin’ to lean on... Anyway, I was hoping you could come early and help me set stuff up?
[disappointed] Oh, I can’t, I’ve got a family thing. My aunts take Halloween very seriously. I know it’s weird...
No, no, my mom’s that way about Flag Day.
Please? I have to go to Harvey’s party!
No!
What if I promise to be with the family all Thanksgiving?
We’re not big on Thanksgiving - That holiday was started by Puritans who weren’t exactly witch-friendly.
[snide] So instead we celebrate a night devoted to little kids dressing up like superheroes?
That is not what All Hallows Eve is all about! It’s a time for remembering the dead!
[sarcastic] Oh, that sounds like fun! I just know I’ll have a terrible time!
And that’s what family gatherings are all about; D’you think I want to listen to Cousin Marigold brag about how married she is and how single I am? No!
But we go, because it’s tradition.
And Zelda makes me.
And now you’re making me?!
See? Tradition!
Hi, Amanda. I’m your cousin, Sabrina.
You better be nice to me, or I’ll put you in a jar.
[taken back] Excuse me?
I put all the people who aren’t nice to me in jars. [picks up a jar with a tiny person trapped inside, and puts it on the table] This is Mr. Altree; he tried to teach me math.
Can he breath in there?
Yes, I gave him air holes. [to the man in the jar] Here’s a math problem, Mr. Altree: five air holes minus one air hole is how many? [places her finger over one of the air holes]
[frightened] No, please! I wanna live! [gets down on his knees] I wanna live!
See? Nobody likes pop quizzes!
[Amanda takes the jar away]
I wanna live!
[to a disturbed Sabrina] Do you wanna put someone in a jar?
No! My aunts taught me it’s not nice to use magic to hurt other people!
[snootily] Well, my parents let me use magic any time I want, and I don’t even have to ask.
[under her breath] Brat...
[sharply] What was that?
Nothing!
[showing Hilda and Zelda photographs] ...And that’s Harold and me in front of our villa. You know, if either one of you ever has a honeymoon, you really must take it in the south of France. [beat] On second thoughts, don’t wait; I wouldn’t want you to miss out!
Excuse me, I’m in no hurry to get married.
That’s right! Hilda is single completely by choice, because she refuses to settle for any of the losers she’s been dating.
And Zelda? What’s your excuse?
Zelda doesn’t need an excuse. She’s passionate about her intellectual pursuits. Her love life is all in her head.
[Amanda runs up to the table]
Mommy, look what I did! [slams a glass jar down on the table]
[shocked] Is that Sabrina?!
What did you do to her?!
She wouldn’t colour with me.
[delighted] Oh, that is so cute!
[to her aunts] Can we please go home now? I’m really not having any fun! [to Amanda] I’ll colour with you Amanda, please, let me out!
Salem, you’re the only one who understands me.
Yeah, but it doesn’t mean I care.
[to Zelda, watching Amanda opening her present] There’s nothing like watching Halloween through the eyes of a spoiled child.
A solid gold dolly! Thank you, Mommy!
It’s from Mommy and Daddy!
We got Sabrina something too.
Zelda: [to Sabrina] Here you go. [hands her a small envelope] It’s from both of us.
[warmly] Happy Halloween.
[patronising] Oh, a nice card. Kids love those...
[Sabrina opens the envelope and takes out the card]
[reading card] It’s a gift certificate... "To spend half an hour with the deceased of your choice". What’s this?
[surprised] You got her a Reanimation? Those are very pricey.
[upset] I want a Reanimation! I want a Reanimation! I WANT A REANIMATION! [Marigold drags her away]
This is the weirdest gift... What do I do with it?
It’s yours to spend as you like.
But you must use it tonight - the gap between the living and the dead is weakest on All Hallows Eve
You are not going to believe what M’Lady just blurted out!
What?
Come close. [whispers to them]
[gasps] I don’t believe it! Marigold is splitting up with Harold?
[delighted] Oh, this is the best Halloween, ever!
...So, I moved in with Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda. They do more weird things by nine a.m. than most people do all day. They take really good care of me.
I always liked them. So tell me, how’s school? Do you still like science?
Yeah! My teacher, Mr. Pool, can be really annoying... But he’s actually a good guy.
Do you have a boyfriend yet?
There’s a guy I like, his name's Harvey... But right now, we’re just sorta friends.
Oh, well, he’d be a fool if he doesn’t fall for you!
You think I’m the prettiest girl in the world.
That’s because you are. And smart, too!
[bashful] Thanks. [pause] But, Granny... There’s something I want to tell you, only, well... it’s kinda strange.
Well, Sabrina, you know you can always tell me anything.
...I’m a witch.
[beat] Well, dear, as long as you’re happy.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Sabrina, the Teenage Witch pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
