Sabrina, the Teenage Witch · Season 1
Hi, I’d like to take half a minute to talk to you about the true meaning of Halloween. It’s not about candy and costumes, it’s about family and showing them how much you care. So, don’t buy into the hype and commercialisation of the season. This Halloween, stay home with your loved ones. Just gather round the Jack-O-Lantern and remember: the true meaning of Halloween is inside you. Right Salem?
There’s a pound of candy corn inside me.
Ignore him. Happy Halloween.
It looks like I’m going to the dance.
[excited] Who with‽
Me! Dates are just society's way of keeping numbers even, I’m going to represent all things that are odd.
And I’m sure that’s exactly how people will see it.
Do you wanna come with me? We could go alone together.
No thanks. You know I was thinking it might be kinda fun to go with Harvey.
Are you gonna ask him?
Oh, I can’t! I don’t wanna complicate our friendship.
What if he asked you?
Oh, I don’t mind if he complicates our friendship...
[Jenny stands up and waves Harvey over]
Hey, Harvey! Over here!
[walking over] Thanks for waving; I might not have spotted you at the same table where we always sit.
So, do you have plans for the dance tomorrow night? [pretends to look at a watch] Oops, gotta run! [grabs her tray and leaves the table]
[to Sabrina] Man, I’ve never seen her move so fast...
Er, so you were saying about the dance?
Harvey: Oh, I probably won’t go. School dances aren’t my thing. What about you?
Oh, I haven’t made any plans. Y’know, yet.
[Libby walks up with an inflated balloon]
Hi, Harvey. Can I borrow a finger?
Sure.
[Harvey holds out his finger while Libby ties off the balloon]
[annoyed] Excuse me, we were talking? Other people have fingers too, you know.
Yes, but Harvey works out. And by the way, Harvey, I was thinking you and I could go to the dance together, okay?
[nervous] ...Okay.
[Sabrina stares in disbelief]
Great! Thanks for helping! [walks off, flashing Sabrina a smug look]
[to Harvey] "Okay"‽ I thought you said school dances weren’t your thing‽
...They’re not. I panicked. I have a hard time saying "no". I really should work on that... [to himself] No...
We’ll be downstairs if you need us.
That’s right: We’re here. We care. [smiles] And we have pie!
[Hilda and Zelda are adding ingredients to make the Personality Glaze for Sabrina's Man-Dough date]
Let's make him a great dancer.
And a daredevil.
And a musician!
[frowns] Do girls still like musicians?
Ever since Mozart’s "Feel the Heat" tour. [Zelda hums in a "good point", manner] Oh, I overdid the enthusiasm.
He’s going to a high school dance - he’s going to need all the enthusiasm he can get.
[sees Sabrina dancing with Chad] Oh my god... Who's that guy Sabrina’s with?
[dances over, smug] His name's Chad Cory Dillan; and yes, that’s his motorcycle outside. [dances away laughing]
Well, I guess Sabrina wins.
Ha! I don’t think so. Come on Harvey, let’s hit the floor!
[grabs her arm] Actually, Libby, I don’t dance.
Excuse me? This is a dance, guess what we do here?
Well you see for me, dance is sort of a metaphor.
For what?
...I don’t know, something else?
So where’s Libby?
Bathroom, I guess. She’s mad at me ’cause I don’t dance.
Really? I would have thought you’d be good at that.
[smiles slightly] Well, I’m okay when it’s just me rocking out in my room... [quickly] I mean, I don’t spin around the pole or anything, but... I get really self-conscious in front of other people.
[emphatically] We all do.
[snorts] Not your date.
Oh, Chad’s kinda special.
Wow, you really like him, don’t you?
No! I meant, like, different.
Do you wanna head over to the Slicery and play a little foosball?
[enthusiastic] Yeah, I love foosball! [beat] Sorry, I've been hanging out with Chad too long... Well, I'll go tell him I'm leaving. [heads back into the school]
I like you, Sabrina. [sighs] Why can’t I say it to her face?
[Sabrina is held back in class by Vesta, her substitute teacher]
[seriously] Sabrina, we need to talk.
[worried] Did I do something wrong?
Yes. [starts laughting] No! [takes off her glasses] Don’t you recognise me?
...Should I?
Oh, I’ll give you a hint: [snaps her fingers and her clothes change] I am your Aunt Vesta!
Let me guess... from my father’s side of the family?
Bingo! I even carry a photo of me holding you as a baby. [pulls out the photo and shows it to Sabrina]
Oh, look, There’s Aunt Hilda and Aunt Zelda... [frowns] ...Is that Andy Worhol?
[sighs happily] Those were the good times. I don’t know why, but the eighties are always the best decade of every century.
Look, I’d really love to stay and talk, but I’ve gotta get to class.
Don’t be silly, we have a lot of catching up to do! [to herself] Now, where can we find a good cup of coffee? Oh, I know! Paris! [snaps her fingers once more, and they both are transported to a riverside cafe in Paris] Voila!
[Sabrina stares at her surroundings for a moment]
...You know the weirdest thing? [grins] I’m missing French class to be here.
My other aunts don’t let me drink coffee.
[sarcastically] Yes, the evil bean. I’m sure they’re full of all sorts of "cant’s" and "don’ts", like [in Hilda's voice] "Don’t stay up too late!", and [in Zelda's voice] "No, you can’t get a tattoo!"
[amazed] You sound just like them!
We lived together for two hundred years, but we’re very very different. You see, they actually enjoy living on Earth and I can’t stand mortals for too long.
[uncomfortable] You know I’m half mortal?
Oh, not that there’s anything wrong with that, darling! It’s just that, well, mortals seem to have to work so hard for everything. It tends to make them bitter.
[after letting Sabrina stay at the Pleasuredome with Vesta]
Are you insane?! You left without a fight! What were you thinking?!
That I want Sabrina to come home.
Me too! Now, let’s go back and get her - I’ll hold Vesta!
No, that won't work! If we tell Sabrina she can’t stay, then we’ll just be playing into Vesta’s hands.
Can we say it and just not use the word "can’t"?
Hilda, we’re giving Sabrina a chance to change her mind. Have a little faith, I think she’ll come home.
[catches on] Ooh Zelda, sneaky! You had a scheme!
Well, Vesta is my sister. [leaves the room]
[to herself] I want a scheme!
Aunt Vesta, we need to talk.
[confused] Did I do something wrong?
No, I did. Look, I shouldn’t be here, I should be at the movies with Jenny.
Oh, but that’s so ordinary! I mean, you could be a rock star!
[interrupting] I’m not a rock star, I’m a karaoke singer - and not a very good one, at that!
How did you get into magic anyway?
The truth is, I thought it would make girls like me.
And did it?
See, that’s the tragedy: girls hate magic. But I still do it, because magic makes me feel special... But, I guess you wouldn’t understand that.
Actually, I would.
If only magic were real...
That was my old collage buddy.
Galileo?
No, Ethan Bodiker. He’s coming over tomorrow night for dinner.
Oh, Zelda, you have a date!
It’s not a date, it’s dinner with a colleague. And you’re welcome to join us.
I’d rather die, but thanks.
Thank goodness she left. Now we can talk about the first millisecond after the Big Bang. See, I think-
LOVE ME!
[shocked] What?!
I’m sorry. It’s just that, we finally get rid of your weird sister, and all you can talk about is the Big Bang?! I came here tonight hoping for more than science - I wanted you to look into my eyes and see something other than rods and cones! I love you, Zelda. Don’t you realise that?
You never said anything!
I’ve been playing footsie with you all night!
That was you?! I thought it was the cat!
You know Joel, someday some girl will appreciate all your hard work. Maybe not in high school, but I’m sure by late college... Well, I’d better get going.
So I... I guess this is it?
I guess. [pause] No wait, we have English class together?
Oh, right! So, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Yeah, see you.
[Sabrina goes upstairs as Hilda enters the room]
What’s going on? [to Joel] Who are you?
I’m Joel. [a beat, then he jumps away, shocked] Wait, you can see me?!
Yes. And you’re not wearing any pants.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Sabrina, the Teenage Witch pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
