Roseanne · Season 1
I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
OK...What religion are we?
I have no idea...Dan?
Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
So what do we believe?
Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.
Yeah, but we're not practicing.
It's wrong to use swear words, right? So how come you swear so much?
Well, because... um... sometimes it's real hard not to, you know. But... if I swore as much as I wanted to, I'd never say anything else... so... so, you see, I'm- I'm using restraint, and God loves that.
You wanna know why I swear, D.J.?
Yeah, why?
Shut the hell up!
Doesn't Leon know that you got another stove before this one?
Of course not!
But you said it was only okay with God to cheat a big company who cheated you. But you weren't giving Leon any of his money.
Listen to me, D.J. In the Bible it states, "Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's and unto God what is God's," okay; it doesn't say no damn thing about rendering nothing unto Leon!
But Mom...
No, D.J.! Would you get off my back?! Even God took a day off!!!
Hey Bev, do yourself a big favor. Don't get into this.
Fred, I have every right to be involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.
Well, If I ever do become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house!!!
[as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!
Guess I wasn't supposed to say that...
I uh... plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh. [he and Fred guffaw and slap each other five]
Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.
Fred told me that Jackie thinks I'm like a God.
Well, that's only because you never do nothing on Sunday.
I don't want your opinion! I want someone who'll tell me that it's a good idea to get married, even if it's not. I'm gonna talk to Mom.
God, everyone's so afraid I'm gonna make 'em sick, no one'll come near me. I feel like a leopard.
[when Jackie asks if she can sleep at Roseanne's after a fight with Fred] But I must warn you, Dan doesn't allow anyone to move in here unless they're sleeping with one of his daughters.
[after Roseanne tells him she feels too sick to have sex] Great, I shaved my armpits for nothin'. Unless... [he makes an armpit noise, then grins] Cool.
David, you're so important to me, I mean, we were each other's first love. But people who don't explore other relationships end up becoming... my parents.
He can't love you more than I do.
David, stop!
Y'know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.
David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me! Y'know, this is hard for me, too.
Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)
You haven't been feedin' me a load of the truth, have ya?
Yeah. I thought that's what you'd like.
David, obviously you know very little about this family. We have raised three children without the truth, and we've managed to do very well, thank you, without your consarned newfangled ways.
Hi, honey. David, what are you doing up?
Well... I heard this noise, so I came downstairs to see what it was, and it was this huge bird... that was caught in the screen door there, I got it out, and then he left.
[nonchalantly] Okay. [saunters back to bed]
See?
I hope you weren't doing it for some reason to rebel against me and your dad, 'cause there's other ways to aggravate us besides frying your brain cells. You know, look at Becky, she never did drugs, she married Mark.
Well, there is a Young Republican that I'm interested in.
And I want you in this house for all the holidays, okay - Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Black History Month.
Well, what am I supposed to tell my job when they say I have to work?
Just say no.
(reading from the suggestion box) Suggestion number one, the meat is a little dry. I would agree with that. Suggestion number two, make that uptight blond guy stop hovering over us while we're trying to... (realizing the customers are referring to him) eat.
I would agree with that. Now let's see...(shuffling around the papers of suggestions and picks out one) Suggestion number three, lose the waiter guy, he reminds me of my mother.
Well aren't we clever, Roseanne? Stuffing the suggestion box. This is your suggestion, isn't it.
Guess again.
Well... luckily I don't value the opinion of anyone who would choose to eat here. (walks off in a huff)
(once Leon is out of earshot) Okay, a deal's a deal. (sets a plate down in front of the Customer) Free pie.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
