You wanna order a pizza?
RRoy
#3 on the speed-dial.
Excellent!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Darlene and David walk into the apartment to find Roseanne and Mark waiting for them]
Hi, David. I found this, uh, pen, is it yours?
[scared] Um...no.
Oh, OK. Well, I'll be going then. ... Oh wait a minute, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!
Mom...
No, you're not talking. You're not talking for a very long time. And you better sit down, 'cause this is gonna take a while.
Hey, Dave-o.
Hey, Mark.
Ever since you caught me at Darlene's, youve been treating me like a dog.
The beauty of a working dog is that they don't get put to sleep.
I didn't move in with my mom, I moved in with Darlene in Chicago. And I know it was wrong and a stupid thing to do and it will never happen again, and I'm sorry (Dan stands up, frightening him) VERY sorry.
(yelling loudly) You ungrateful little BASTARD!!!
[to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are?
[entering room] We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!
You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend!
Well obviously, you've never had sex with my boyfriend.
You know, it's a good thing I'm not living with my abusive mother.
You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?
When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.
Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!
Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
Yes.
Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.
I don't think you'd have such a great time there.
Sound's like fun.
It's a gay bar.
Okey-dokey.
Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.
Well, it might. Friday is convert-a-hetero night.
Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?
Well then you could just think they're gay right back at them.
Did your water break when you had me?
By the time I had you, everything was broken.
Have you thought about names?
No, I haven't decided yet. Here I am, about to give birth and I haven't even decided on a name for my baby.
Oh, now don't get all worked up. Just name it the first thing that comes into your mind. You can always change it later.
You can't change it later.
Well, of course you can. We don't call you Marjorie, do we?
Why would you call me Marjorie?
Because that used to be your name, only Roseanne couldn't pronounce it. She kept calling you "My Jackie." We thought it was so cute. We all started calling you My Jackie, and after a while, you just became Jackie.
My name...used to be Marjorie.
Yes. It probably still is; I think that's what's written on your birth certificate.
You don't even know my own name? You're supposed to be my mother!
We told you all this years ago.
No, you never told! No, never, never, never, never, never told me that.
Now, Jackie, don't upset yourself. It's no big deal.
"It's no big deal"?! It's my name! You go ask a thousand people if they think that's a big deal, they're gonna say yes, that is a very big deal!
Or was it Mary Jane?
All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
I mean seriously.
Oh, I'd say only a few.
Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
Well I guess not.
Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
Since you were what? Eighteen?
[thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
Well... I didn't know all of them.
Man, I hate tests.
Oh this one's different. When you're done with this one, you don't hand the nurse a plastic cup.
(Roseanne's talking to Jackie about Dan's reaction to his mother being admitted into a mental institution)
Maybe he was ashamed.
Ashamed? He's been married to me for 21 years. You'd think he'd be numbed to shame by now.
I don't know, Roseanne. It is kinda bad. I mean his mom beat our mom to the loony bin.
Only in our family could somebody be nuts for 20 years and nobody notices.
Oh, we notice, Darlene. We're just ignoring you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.