Roseanne · Season 1
Fred is so nervous about waking the baby up that he is beginning to... gloss over some vital areas.
Oh my God, are you talking about... ?
You mean, he gets in the elevator, but... he won't go down?
[disgusted] If I wasn't gay before, I would be now.
Well, if you weren't gay before, then a whole bunch of guys owe you a big apology.
Hey Dan, if you're still gay, I could go for a mimosa and some eggs Florentine.
I don't cook for you. I'm Fred's bitch.
[on what the hairstylist told them about hereditary baldness] If she's [meaning Bev] bald, that means that WE could go bald! This is her hair! Look at- look at- look at this! [Jackie puts on the wig and begins to imitate Bev] "Oh Roseanne! A woman your size shouldn't wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay home! And another thing, dear, I don't mean to alarm you but I think your little D.J. might be retarded!"
Boy, David's really upset. What are you gonna do, Dan?
Why do you keep asking me what I'm gonna do? What is it with you and all the questions? Why can't a guy just do what he's gotta do without being asked?
You don't know what to do, do you, Dan? Just been doing what Roseanne told you to do, haven't you? You're really a very bad father, aren't you, Dan?
No, I'm not. I just don't know what to do with David. He scares me, Fred. I mean, he's probably down there right now crying, or reading, or drawing a horse.
Well, why don't you do what you were trying to do before? You know, raise his self-esteem.
I don't know how to give a 17-year-old who's just been beaten up by a 12-year-old's self-esteem. I don't even know how to give him hope.
[to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!
You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.
Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.
Are you new?
You're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life, and they're all gonna be different.
Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?
What's different about her?
Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.
I'd go for it.
[Dan can't stop watching the elderly neighbors walking around their house naked]
It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.
[on their new neighbors]
My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.
Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!
That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.
[taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?
[guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget where they were the day Lincoln was shot.
They're completely naked, all the time?
Sometimes he wears a hat.
I used to think that people that insulted me were just mean, stupid or horrible. But now I think it's just because they've never had really good sex.
What are you talking about?
Well, here's a really good test. Have you ever done it, and when you were through, your hands were just filled with his hair, but you don't remember pulling it out?
Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of longshoremen.
[She leaves in a huff]
Stacy!
I'm sorry! I was just trying to help. Are you mad at me?
[grabbing their jackets] No, no! Come on. The way you just treated my mom, I feel like dancing!
And don't you ever feed my dog!
If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!
[laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?
I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
I like her!
[To David after finding out he's going out with another girl] Well David an date is an easy thing to break. I could do it for ya. It'd be fun... what's the little bitch's name?
Wha- Did you hear that?! D.J.'s gonna take something that's dead and bring it back to life- that's like playing God!
I'm sure God was thrilled by that comparison. [She walks over to where D.J. is thawing the bee] Ooh, nice- we haven't cooked out in a long time!
It just takes a minute.
I feel like there oughta be spooky music playing! [she makes lame spooky sounds]
Please, please be a killer bee! Why don't you just zap it in the microwave?
Tried that. Blew up.
[walks in] What are you doing?
Bringing a bee back to life.
Okay [leaves]
Y'know, D.J., bees are very intelligent creatures, and their amazingly devoted. I read someplace that if you kill one, the whole hive comes and finds your scent and kills you.
Actually, it's his scent that tends to kill them.
D'you see?
Oh, my God Darlene look, it's a miracle, the bee's alive.
[very bored] Truly, He is the Son of God.
See, I told you I could do it! Look, he's getting ready to take off- there he goes!-
Now, if you bring that one back, I'll be really impressed!
[to Dan on why she doesn't want David to go out on a date with someone other than Darlene] Because I love our daughter and I love David. No new people!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Roseanne pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
